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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

Despite the fact that we're in good shape financially, my fiancée and I have decided we don't want the hassle of planning a big wedding. The problem is, whenever we tell anyone that our reception will be a simple affair, they always say we must be looking to save lots of money. Will we look like cheapskates if we don't roll out the red carpet?

—Engaged In Englewood

Dear Engaged,

My husband has a work-at-home job, so he usually attends our children's school functions and picks the kids up if they become ill. I never saw this as a problem—until all my daughters' notes from school started showing up addressed only to my husband. I may work 9 to 5, but I'm a full-time parent, too! Am I being oversensitive, or do my these school teachers need a lesson in manners?

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

My neighbor in the apartment across the hall and I exchanged keys in case one of us ever found ourselves accidentally locked out. I've reserved the use of her key only for emergencies, but she takes carte blanche with mine—letting herself in for all sorts of reasons. Can I tactfully put an end to the open-door policy, or am I getting all keyed up over nothing?

—Annoyed In Arlington

Dear Annoyed,

I love to have big dinner parties! I find nothing more fun than entertaining a group of people, and all my guests say they have a great time, too. The problem is, these parties have started to put a strain on my pocketbook. Is it okay to ask the friends I invite to chip in a few dollars to help cover the cost of the food and wine?

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

Our friends have a high-school foreign-exchange student from Russia named Sergei, who my husband and I find simply fascinating. We'd like to invite this young man on a sightseeing trip to Washington, D.C., but we feel bad about excluding the couple's other two children. We can't afford a vacation for five! What should we do?

—Budgeting In Boscobel

Dear Budgeting,

Every time our neighborhood holds a friendly summertime get-together, a certain family down the block never fails to show up with a cooler full of beer. My husband and I are trying to teach our children, ages 14 and 16, that one doesn't need to drink to have a good time. Do you think I should politely ask my neighbors to leave the brew behind, or am I butting in where I don't belong?

Nancy Reese is an avid advice-column reader whose weekly syndicated column, Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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