adBlockCheck

Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

Despite the fact that we're in good shape financially, my fiancée and I have decided we don't want the hassle of planning a big wedding. The problem is, whenever we tell anyone that our reception will be a simple affair, they always say we must be looking to save lots of money. Will we look like cheapskates if we don't roll out the red carpet?

—Engaged In Englewood

Dear Engaged,

My husband has a work-at-home job, so he usually attends our children's school functions and picks the kids up if they become ill. I never saw this as a problem—until all my daughters' notes from school started showing up addressed only to my husband. I may work 9 to 5, but I'm a full-time parent, too! Am I being oversensitive, or do my these school teachers need a lesson in manners?

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

My neighbor in the apartment across the hall and I exchanged keys in case one of us ever found ourselves accidentally locked out. I've reserved the use of her key only for emergencies, but she takes carte blanche with mine—letting herself in for all sorts of reasons. Can I tactfully put an end to the open-door policy, or am I getting all keyed up over nothing?

—Annoyed In Arlington

Dear Annoyed,

I love to have big dinner parties! I find nothing more fun than entertaining a group of people, and all my guests say they have a great time, too. The problem is, these parties have started to put a strain on my pocketbook. Is it okay to ask the friends I invite to chip in a few dollars to help cover the cost of the food and wine?

Dear Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns,

Our friends have a high-school foreign-exchange student from Russia named Sergei, who my husband and I find simply fascinating. We'd like to invite this young man on a sightseeing trip to Washington, D.C., but we feel bad about excluding the couple's other two children. We can't afford a vacation for five! What should we do?

—Budgeting In Boscobel

Dear Budgeting,

Every time our neighborhood holds a friendly summertime get-together, a certain family down the block never fails to show up with a cooler full of beer. My husband and I are trying to teach our children, ages 14 and 16, that one doesn't need to drink to have a good time. Do you think I should politely ask my neighbors to leave the brew behind, or am I butting in where I don't belong?

Nancy Reese is an avid advice-column reader whose weekly syndicated column, Ask Someone Who Writes In To Advice Columns, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close