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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

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WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

Our youngest just went off to college and "empty-nest syndrome" has really set in. My wife and I thought this would be a good time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our home. Any tips on coping?

—Sad In Sarasota

Dear Sad,

Oh my God—it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning airship is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding hydrogen gas is engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted gondola! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a happily married man with a beautiful family and a secure job. But lately, I'm doubting pretty much everything. Do I really love my wife? Are my kids getting the upbringing they deserve? Did I sell my dreams short? How should I deal with these feelings?

—Stumped In St. Louis

Dear St. Louis,

Flames a thousand feet high are engulfing men, women, children—oh, Lord, no! No! Not the children! The sizzling, oh God, the sizzling. Flames have seared the entire crowd! The smell of burned and melting flesh, God, God! An abomination of science gone awry has brought Hell to our fairgrounds!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get her life back together after a messy breakup. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a difficult time meeting people. Any suggestions?

—Heartache In Hanover Park

Dear Heartache,

The roar of flaming gas can't drown out the tortured cries of the roasted! The scarlet mist of scalded blood fills the air! I can't bear the sight of this seared and blasted fairground—everywhere I look is misery! A baby trapped by the airship's hull fries in its own juices! A roustabout's eyes boil, burst, and run down his cheeks! Oh, the humanity! How can a just God allow such horror to be?

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's hard to pay attention to my schoolwork. There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?

—Busy In Boulder

Dear Boulder,

Charred bodies are raining down from the heavens! The burnt corpses are strewn about the fields like cordwood! Hot ashes that were once our neighbors fall from the air like a grisly snow! I can feel my gorge rising for the hundredth time! The shattered hellscape before me is an affront to Heaven itself! Oh, God! Oh, the humanity!

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

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