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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

Our youngest just went off to college and "empty-nest syndrome" has really set in. My wife and I thought this would be a good time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our home. Any tips on coping?

—Sad In Sarasota

Dear Sad,

Oh my God—it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning airship is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding hydrogen gas is engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted gondola! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a happily married man with a beautiful family and a secure job. But lately, I'm doubting pretty much everything. Do I really love my wife? Are my kids getting the upbringing they deserve? Did I sell my dreams short? How should I deal with these feelings?

—Stumped In St. Louis

Dear St. Louis,

Flames a thousand feet high are engulfing men, women, children—oh, Lord, no! No! Not the children! The sizzling, oh God, the sizzling. Flames have seared the entire crowd! The smell of burned and melting flesh, God, God! An abomination of science gone awry has brought Hell to our fairgrounds!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get her life back together after a messy breakup. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a difficult time meeting people. Any suggestions?

—Heartache In Hanover Park

Dear Heartache,

The roar of flaming gas can't drown out the tortured cries of the roasted! The scarlet mist of scalded blood fills the air! I can't bear the sight of this seared and blasted fairground—everywhere I look is misery! A baby trapped by the airship's hull fries in its own juices! A roustabout's eyes boil, burst, and run down his cheeks! Oh, the humanity! How can a just God allow such horror to be?

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's hard to pay attention to my schoolwork. There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?

—Busy In Boulder

Dear Boulder,

Charred bodies are raining down from the heavens! The burnt corpses are strewn about the fields like cordwood! Hot ashes that were once our neighbors fall from the air like a grisly snow! I can feel my gorge rising for the hundredth time! The shattered hellscape before me is an affront to Heaven itself! Oh, God! Oh, the humanity!

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

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