Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Personal Finance

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

Our youngest just went off to college and "empty nest syndrome" has really set in. My wife and I thought this would be a good time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our home. Any tips on coping?

—Sad in Sarasota

Dear Sad,

Oh my God, it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning airship is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding hydrogen gas is engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted gondola! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a happily married man with a beautiful family and a secure job. But lately, I'm doubting pretty much everything. Do I really love my wife? Are my kids getting the upbringing they deserve? Did I sell my dreams short? How should I deal with these feelings?

—Stumped in St. Louis

Dear Stumped,

Flames a thousand feet high are engulfing men, women, children—oh, Lord, no! No! Not the children! The sizzling, oh God, the sizzling... Flames have seared the entire crowd! The smell of burned and melting flesh, God, God! An abomination of science gone awry has brought Hell to our fairgrounds!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get her life back together again after a messy breakup. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a difficult time meeting people. Any suggestions?

—Heartache in Hanover Park

Dear Heartache,

The roar of flaming gas can't drown out the tortured cries of the roasted! The scarlet mist of scalded blood fills the air! I can't bear the sight of this seared and blasted fairground—everywhere I look is misery! A baby trapped by the airship's hull fries in its own juices! A roustabout's eyes boil, burst and run down his cheeks! Oh, the humanity! How can a just God allow such horror to be?

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's difficult to pay attention to my schoolwork! There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?

—Barely Bored in Boulder

Dear Barely,

Charred bodies are raining down from the heavens! The burnt corpses are strewn about the fields like cordwood! Hot ashes that were once our neighbors fall from the air like a grisly snow! I can feel my gorge rising for the hundredth time! The shattered hellscape before me is an affront to Heaven itself! Oh, God! Oh, the humanity!

That Hindenburg Announcer Guy is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

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