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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

Our youngest just went off to college and "empty nest syndrome" has really set in. My wife and I thought this would be a good time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our home. Any tips on coping?

—Sad in Sarasota

Dear Sad,

Oh my God, it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning airship is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding hydrogen gas is engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted gondola! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a happily married man with a beautiful family and a secure job. But lately, I'm doubting pretty much everything. Do I really love my wife? Are my kids getting the upbringing they deserve? Did I sell my dreams short? How should I deal with these feelings?

—Stumped in St. Louis

Dear Stumped,

Flames a thousand feet high are engulfing men, women, children—oh, Lord, no! No! Not the children! The sizzling, oh God, the sizzling... Flames have seared the entire crowd! The smell of burned and melting flesh, God, God! An abomination of science gone awry has brought Hell to our fairgrounds!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get her life back together again after a messy breakup. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a difficult time meeting people. Any suggestions?

—Heartache in Hanover Park

Dear Heartache,

The roar of flaming gas can't drown out the tortured cries of the roasted! The scarlet mist of scalded blood fills the air! I can't bear the sight of this seared and blasted fairground—everywhere I look is misery! A baby trapped by the airship's hull fries in its own juices! A roustabout's eyes boil, burst and run down his cheeks! Oh, the humanity! How can a just God allow such horror to be?

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's difficult to pay attention to my schoolwork! There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?

—Barely Bored in Boulder

Dear Barely,

Charred bodies are raining down from the heavens! The burnt corpses are strewn about the fields like cordwood! Hot ashes that were once our neighbors fall from the air like a grisly snow! I can feel my gorge rising for the hundredth time! The shattered hellscape before me is an affront to Heaven itself! Oh, God! Oh, the humanity!

That Hindenburg Announcer Guy is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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