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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

Our youngest just went off to college and "empty nest syndrome" has really set in. My wife and I thought this would be a good time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our home. Any tips on coping?

—Sad in Sarasota

Dear Sad,

Oh my God, it's burst into flames! Oh, the humanity! The burning airship is tumbling toward the crowd! The exploding hydrogen gas is engulfing the onlookers! The screams, oh Lord, the screams! Burning figures are falling from the twisted gondola! I can hear the shrieking of men trapped beneath the blazing metal! Please, sweet Christ, no!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a happily married man with a beautiful family and a secure job. But lately, I'm doubting pretty much everything. Do I really love my wife? Are my kids getting the upbringing they deserve? Did I sell my dreams short? How should I deal with these feelings?

—Stumped in St. Louis

Dear Stumped,

Flames a thousand feet high are engulfing men, women, children—oh, Lord, no! No! Not the children! The sizzling, oh God, the sizzling... Flames have seared the entire crowd! The smell of burned and melting flesh, God, God! An abomination of science gone awry has brought Hell to our fairgrounds!

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get her life back together again after a messy breakup. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a difficult time meeting people. Any suggestions?

—Heartache in Hanover Park

Dear Heartache,

The roar of flaming gas can't drown out the tortured cries of the roasted! The scarlet mist of scalded blood fills the air! I can't bear the sight of this seared and blasted fairground—everywhere I look is misery! A baby trapped by the airship's hull fries in its own juices! A roustabout's eyes boil, burst and run down his cheeks! Oh, the humanity! How can a just God allow such horror to be?

Dear Hindenburg Announcer Guy,

I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's difficult to pay attention to my schoolwork! There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?

—Barely Bored in Boulder

Dear Barely,

Charred bodies are raining down from the heavens! The burnt corpses are strewn about the fields like cordwood! Hot ashes that were once our neighbors fall from the air like a grisly snow! I can feel my gorge rising for the hundredth time! The shattered hellscape before me is an affront to Heaven itself! Oh, God! Oh, the humanity!

That Hindenburg Announcer Guy is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

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