Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 14

New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous.

Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions of time and space by a semi-godlike alien evolved beyond all human comprehension—was "pretty awesome," according to reports. "Worf learned a valuable lesson about his adoptive human parents when a hologram created by the energy being confronted him with his troubled past," said longtime Trekker and part-time pizza delivery driver Brad Sponel. "It was pretty awesome." Sources also say that Picard and Crusher almost kissed during a mind-meld sequence, but stopped at the last minute.

Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more munchable this week, when Crunch 'n' Munch research teams increased the product's famed "crunchiness" and "munchability" by over 30 percent. "Our goal is to make Crunch 'n' Munch the most crunchy—and munchable—snack-food item we possibly can," said Crunch 'n' Munch's Helmut Krauntz. "When someone feels hungry, whether their desire is to crunch or merely to munch, we want them to turn to our Crunch 'n' Munch products to meet both their crunchiness and munchability needs."

Jamie Crying

LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although Jamie would feel better if she wrote David a letter, she is crying," said former Van Halen manager Eddie Arnesen. Though sources say Jamie has been in love before, and that she knows what love is for, in this case it was a mere one-night stand, and love should be more than that. Arnesen added that despite the fact that when Roth and Jamie parted, the long-haired, vinyl-clad rocker said, "Gimme a call some time," Jamie knows what that will get her.

I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad!

Captivated By Carolyn

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years.

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's going down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

Dear Connie Vance,

The other night I came home from work to find my prize azalea bushes completely wrecked. I didn't witness it, but I feel sure I know the culprits: the children next door who are always running wild in our yard. How do I keep my bushes safe without permanently alienating my neighbors?

—Frustrated In Fairport

Dear Frustrated,

If you need advice so bad, why don't you go ask that tramp I saw you with last night? She must have had some interesting things to say or you wouldn't have sat there buying margaritas for her every 10 minutes. I'm sure she knows all kinds of things I don't, or you wouldn't have spent so much time talking to her, laughing at everything she said like she was the funniest person on earth.

Dear Connie Vance,

There's a big company dinner party coming up at the boss' house, and I can't decide whether to "dress to impress" or just go with the casual confidence of slacks and a sweater. The invitations say it's just an informal cookout, but this is my boss we're talking about! What do you suggest?

—In A Quandary In Quebec

Dear Quandary,

I'm sure that tramp I saw you with last night would know the answer to this one. She seems like the kind of woman who could tell you a thing or two about impressing the big boys! After all, she had you dancing to her tune for hours. I just happened to drive past your office, and your car wasn't in the parking lot. I guess you were working so hard you just had to take a little dinner and dancing break with that cheap slut.

Dear Connie Vance,

My mother's 75th birthday is coming up, and I want to get her something really special. I want to go all out on this one, but I'm afraid I'll spend a fortune and end up with something she doesn't like. What would be an appropriate gift for an occasion like this?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Unsure,

I suppose your mother wears blue eyeliner and miniskirts, and hangs out at Eli's Mile High at two in the morning, batting her eyes at everything some big, dumb, married ox says, doesn't she? Maybe if I dressed up like a two-dollar whore and snuck around in the middle of the night, that'd satisfy you. Maybe then you wouldn't go galavanting around at God-knows-what hours! Is that what you really want, a tramp like her? You know what? I'm glad I saw you two. I gave you the best years of my life, you no-good, goddamned, two-timing son of a bitch! Get out of my sight!

Connie Vance's weekly syndicated advice column, Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night, appears in over 250 papers nationwide.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More