adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

Dear Connie Vance,

The other night I came home from work to find my prize azalea bushes completely wrecked. I didn't witness it, but I feel sure I know the culprits: the children next door who are always running wild in our yard. How do I keep my bushes safe without permanently alienating my neighbors?

—Frustrated In Fairport

Dear Frustrated,

If you need advice so bad, why don't you go ask that tramp I saw you with last night? She must have had some interesting things to say or you wouldn't have sat there buying margaritas for her every 10 minutes. I'm sure she knows all kinds of things I don't, or you wouldn't have spent so much time talking to her, laughing at everything she said like she was the funniest person on earth.

Dear Connie Vance,

There's a big company dinner party coming up at the boss' house, and I can't decide whether to "dress to impress" or just go with the casual confidence of slacks and a sweater. The invitations say it's just an informal cookout, but this is my boss we're talking about! What do you suggest?

—In A Quandary In Quebec

Dear Quandary,

I'm sure that tramp I saw you with last night would know the answer to this one. She seems like the kind of woman who could tell you a thing or two about impressing the big boys! After all, she had you dancing to her tune for hours. I just happened to drive past your office, and your car wasn't in the parking lot. I guess you were working so hard you just had to take a little dinner and dancing break with that cheap slut.

Dear Connie Vance,

My mother's 75th birthday is coming up, and I want to get her something really special. I want to go all out on this one, but I'm afraid I'll spend a fortune and end up with something she doesn't like. What would be an appropriate gift for an occasion like this?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Unsure,

I suppose your mother wears blue eyeliner and miniskirts, and hangs out at Eli's Mile High at two in the morning, batting her eyes at everything some big, dumb, married ox says, doesn't she? Maybe if I dressed up like a two-dollar whore and snuck around in the middle of the night, that'd satisfy you. Maybe then you wouldn't go galavanting around at God-knows-what hours! Is that what you really want, a tramp like her? You know what? I'm glad I saw you two. I gave you the best years of my life, you no-good, goddamned, two-timing son of a bitch! Get out of my sight!

Connie Vance's weekly syndicated advice column, Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night, appears in over 250 papers nationwide.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close