Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

Dear Connie Vance,

The other night I came home from work to find my prize azalea bushes completely wrecked. I didn't witness it, but I feel sure I know the culprits: the children next door who are always running wild in our yard. How do I keep my bushes safe without permanently alienating my neighbors?

—Frustrated In Fairport

Dear Frustrated,

If you need advice so bad, why don't you go ask that tramp I saw you with last night? She must have had some interesting things to say or you wouldn't have sat there buying margaritas for her every 10 minutes. I'm sure she knows all kinds of things I don't, or you wouldn't have spent so much time talking to her, laughing at everything she said like she was the funniest person on earth.

Dear Connie Vance,

There's a big company dinner party coming up at the boss' house, and I can't decide whether to "dress to impress" or just go with the casual confidence of slacks and a sweater. The invitations say it's just an informal cookout, but this is my boss we're talking about! What do you suggest?

—In A Quandary In Quebec

Dear Quandary,

I'm sure that tramp I saw you with last night would know the answer to this one. She seems like the kind of woman who could tell you a thing or two about impressing the big boys! After all, she had you dancing to her tune for hours. I just happened to drive past your office, and your car wasn't in the parking lot. I guess you were working so hard you just had to take a little dinner and dancing break with that cheap slut.

Dear Connie Vance,

My mother's 75th birthday is coming up, and I want to get her something really special. I want to go all out on this one, but I'm afraid I'll spend a fortune and end up with something she doesn't like. What would be an appropriate gift for an occasion like this?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Unsure,

I suppose your mother wears blue eyeliner and miniskirts, and hangs out at Eli's Mile High at two in the morning, batting her eyes at everything some big, dumb, married ox says, doesn't she? Maybe if I dressed up like a two-dollar whore and snuck around in the middle of the night, that'd satisfy you. Maybe then you wouldn't go galavanting around at God-knows-what hours! Is that what you really want, a tramp like her? You know what? I'm glad I saw you two. I gave you the best years of my life, you no-good, goddamned, two-timing son of a bitch! Get out of my sight!

Connie Vance's weekly syndicated advice column, Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night, appears in over 250 papers nationwide.