Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

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Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

Help! My kitchen is turning into an Internet café. My husband and kids have started to haul out their laptops right at the breakfast table, checking their e-mail or finishing up homework before we all rush off in the morning. I admit that breakfast isn't an elaborate affair around here, but what happened to sitting down to a nice meal together? What's your opinion?

—Irked In Irvine

Dear Irked,

Take a moment to savor the delicious taste of Crackle Creek Farms old-world-style kettle chips. What makes them so good? Ever since my great-grandfather, Cyrus P. McVitty, brought the secret of taterliciousness to America from Bremen town way back in 1912, we've made them the very same way he used to. They're thick-cut from the finest Water Gap russets, hand-salted by master chipsmen, then slow-cooked using our special family recipe until they're good through and through. I'm fully confident you'll enjoy them. That's why you have the Crackle Creek Farms Quality Guarantee Seal right on the front of every bag. If our potato chips aren't the best you've had, my name isn't Kevin J. McVitty.

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

Boy, am I steamed. My dry cleaner ruined one of my favorite blouses. Of course, he pointed to the "not responsible" clause on the ticket, but as a longtime valued customer, I think the shirt should be replaced out of common courtesy. My friend says I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I think it's downright crummy of them not to at least offer a discount on future cleanings. Should I consider taking my business elsewhere, or am I overreacting?

—Miffed In Middlebury

Dear Miffed,

According to legend, the Milwaukee potato chip was born in 1854 when steamship captain and restaurant patron Heinrich Van Der Linus sent his fried potatoes back to the kitchen, saying they were too thin and salty. Annoyed, the chef hacked a baking potato with his wife's pinking shears, tossed the angular chunks into carefully spiced saffroot oil, and fried them to a crisp... and the Munchwaukee Wunderkrunch was born! Since 1996, our family has strived to recapture that spirit of adventure in every bag of our Munchwaukee Wunderkrunches. By using only all-natural ingredients, hand-stressing every batch, and testing at every stage, we ensure that the quality and taste of the original live on. Enjoy.

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

My husband and I are in the midst of planning a family vacation for this summer, and we were thinking of inviting a group of my son's friends to join us. Troy has leg braces, and many of his friends have minor physical disabilities, as well. Any suggestions for great historical destinations that would be fun and accessible for special kids with special needs?

—Planning In Plano

Dear Planning,

When Ellie founded Ellie's Chips more than 25 years ago, she wanted to bring her ancestral Lithuanian cooking secrets to the people of the Taos area. She succeeded beyond her wildest dreams! Now, the folks here at the Desert Bloom Chip Foundry salute her achievements with the new Ellie's White Chili Earth-Apple Crisps. Only the finest native hybrid white chilis are hand-infused into the robust Cossack Golden potatoes. Then, they're slow-cooked in loom-pressed flaxseed oil and mineral water, and suffused with cilantro, sea salt, and peppercorns. Finally, they're sent to our quality-control specialists, who personally inspect each and every chip for imperfections. The handful of chips good enough to pass muster emerge into the light as our clean, clear, spicy Earth-Apple Crisps. Sure, they might take a little more time and cost a little more than ordinary chips, but we think you'll taste the difference in every bite. We know Ellie would approve. We hope you do, too.

Confidential To Lonely In Lodi:

Includes: Select Potatoes, Vegetable Oil(s): (Sunflower, Canola, Cottonseed, Corn/Cottonseed, Corn, Expeller-Pressed Oleic Canola), Salt, Sugar, Dextrose, Barley Malt, Citric Acid, Spice, Spice Extracts.

Gourmet Potato Chip Bag is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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