adBlockCheck

Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

I recently married a wonderful woman and, in the process, became stepfather to her three young children. These kids were raised to be strict vegetarians, but I still eat meat. I respect their parents' beliefs, but think I should be able to enjoy a hamburger once in a while without being made to feel guilty about it. What should I do?

—Meat Lover In Merrick

Dear Meat Lover,

I. Call to order.
    The meeting of the Shawano Kiwanis called to order at 6:46 p.m. on 5/5/01 by Vice Chair Louis Rollings.
II. 6:49 p.m. - Roll call.
    Members absent: Commissioner Fred Lee, Commissioner Thom Alicea, Treasurer Bill Jarvis, John Pope.
III. 6:51 p.m. - Pledge Of Allegiance led by Chairman Ronald Burroughs.
IV. Meeting
    6:59 p.m. - Commissioner Edward Selsby moves to approve the minutes of 4/14/01. Vice Chair Rollings seconds. 
    7:04 p.m. - Minutes approved.
    7:10 p.m. - Jarvis arrives.
    7:13 p.m. - Roger Lambert motions for the dismissal of Jarvis as Treasurer on grounds of chronic absenteeism.
    * Motion seconded by Commissioner Selsby.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.
    7:14 p.m. - Jarvis requests recent divorce to be noted in minutes as reason for absences.
    * Request denied.
    7:15 p.m. - Motion to forgo other meeting itinerary in lieu of inquiry of Jarvis made by Lambert.
    * Motion seconded by Edward Holian.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

I bought tickets for a friend and me to see The Producers, but she got sick at the last minute and had to cancel. I couldn't find anyone else to go with, and I charged them on my credit card, so I got stuck with a big bill. I told this to my friend, but she didn't offer to reimburse me. Since I bought the ticket for her, shouldn't she pay for it whether she goes or not? I'd like to know the proper etiquette before I say anything.

—Stiffed In Staten Island

Dear Stiffed,

    7:16 p.m. - Inquiry into status of Treasurer Jarvis. Jarvis motions to have inquiry tabled until next meeting.
    * Motion not seconded.
    7:17 p.m. – Motion made by Lambert to have Jarvis' absentee record read by Kiwanis Secretary.
    * Motion seconded by Allen Holian.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.
    7:18 p.m. - Evidence against Treasurer Jarvis read by Lambert.
    1. Missed three out of four meetings in months of February and March.
    2. Has had 'bad attitude' at meetings.
    3. Refused to step down when asked by various Kiwanis members.
    4. Volunteers forced to buy supplies for Pivet Park clean-up project due to Jarvis' absence. Many still not reimbursed.
    7:20 p.m. - Reading of evidence interrupted by Jarvis' request to respond to charges personally.
    * Request denied.
    * Heated argument between Jarvis and Chairman Burroughs.

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

Every morning, I carpool to work with some of my coworkers. We generally get along, but whenever one particular man drives, he insists on tuning the radio to a local morning DJ that I find offensive. I've told him several times that I'd rather not listen to it, but he just laughs it off. I know it's his car, but I think we should try to listen to things that all of us can enjoy.

—Offended In Oberlin

Dear Offended,

    7:31 p.m. - Reading of evidence continues. Lambert alleges Jarvis may have come to at least two Kiwanis meetings under the influence of alcohol.
    7:32 p.m. - Reading of evidence interrupted by request to have "Fuck you, Roger" uttered by Jarvis added to minutes.
    * Request denied.
    7:33 p.m. - Lambert asks that "Fuck you, Roger" be kept in the minutes as further evidence against Jarvis.
    * Request granted.
    7:34 p.m. - Motion by Jarvis to Lambert to "take this outside."
    * Lambert requests to note in the minutes that Jarvis is "an asshole."
    * Jarvis requests to note in the minutes that Lambert's wife committed suicide three years ago.
    7:36 p.m. - Motion by Chairman Burroughs to force Lambert to stop punching Jarvis.
    * Motion defeated 16-2.

The Shawano Kiwanis Club Minutes, 5/5/01, is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask the Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close