Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting

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Vol 37 Issue 17

New Dog Sick Of Being Compared To Old One

PRESTON, MO–Patches, the Layden family's new dog, expressed frustration Monday over the constant comparisons to his predecessor, who died in February. "No matter what I do, I can't escape the long shadow cast by Sneakers," the five-month-old Patches said. "I go for a walk, I hear about the way Sneakers went for walks. I chew on the rug, I hear about the way Sneakers chewed on rugs. They need to realize that I can't be Sneakers."

Guy On Racetrack P.A. Sounds A Little Depressed Today

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY–Gordon Asheton, public-address announcer at Saratoga Racetrack, seemed a bit distant Monday, track regular Brad Herman reported. "Usually, [Asheton]'s totally enthusiastic, firing up the crowd," Herman said. "But today, after he said, 'And they're off,' there was kind of a pause and a heavy sigh before he gave the running order. When he announced Daddy's Little Prizefighter as the winner, he barely seemed to care. I hope everything's okay at home."

Health-Food-Store Worker Dies Of Vitamin Lung

SAUSALITO, CA–Duane Cristopher, longtime manager of the Brooks Street Health Food Co-op, died Sunday following a three-month battle with vitamin lung. "Decades of inhaling a trace dust of vitamin supplements caused particles to accumulate over time in his lungs, ultimately cutting off his oxygen supply," said Dr. Arthur Washington, Christopher's physician. "We also suspect bee pollen may have been a factor." At Christopher's funeral Tuesday, family and friends commented admiringly on how natural the 57-year-old's body looked.

Man Nods Knowingly At Mechanic

GREENSBORO, NC–Attempting to conceal his ignorance of car repair, area resident Dave Snell, 39, nodded knowingly Monday as mechanic Bill Kreuter explained the precise nature of Snell's automotive problem. "He was telling me that the car had, like, a faulty alternator plug," Snell said. "So, you know, that's something that definitely needs to be fixed." Snell said his risky bluff almost backfired when Kreuter asked him how he gaps his plugs, to which Snell responded, "About the usual amount."

Child Lies For Parents' Own Good

CONCORD, NH–Area 9-year-old Andrew Mota lied to his parents Monday, telling them that he was at the park after school and sparing them the unpleasant truth that he was setting off fireworks at the quarry with friends. "[Parents] Patrick and Adrienne are very fragile emotionally," Mota said. "Telling them something like that would only cause them undue stress." He added that he may tell them one day when he is older.

North Dakota Drinks Itself To Sleep Again

BISMARCK, ND–Exhausted from another hard day in the wheat fields, the state of North Dakota drank itself to sleep Monday with the bottle of Old Thompson it keeps hidden in Fargo. "Oh, they've been doing this a lot lately," South Dakota Gov. William Janklow said. "Every night, they fall asleep on their respective couches with the local TV stations on all night." Janklow expressed concern about waking the state, as North Dakota is known for its violent outbursts when hung over.

Beer Commercials Aren't What They Used To Be

In these modern times, the concept of workmanship, of taking pride in one's craft, has gone the way of Nagel paintings, the Thompson Twins, and Vision Street Wear. And nowhere is this more evident than in the sorry state of our beer commercials.

Kerrey's Secret Shame

Last week, former senator Bob Kerrey admitted that a raid he led in the Vietnam War resulted in the deaths of at least 13 unarmed women and children. What do you think?
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Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

I recently married a wonderful woman and, in the process, became stepfather to her three young children. These kids were raised to be strict vegetarians, but I still eat meat. I respect their parents' beliefs, but think I should be able to enjoy a hamburger once in a while without being made to feel guilty about it. What should I do?

—Meat Lover In Merrick

Dear Meat Lover,

I. Call to order.
    The meeting of the Shawano Kiwanis called to order at 6:46 p.m. on 5/5/01 by Vice Chair Louis Rollings.
II. 6:49 p.m. - Roll call.
    Members absent: Commissioner Fred Lee, Commissioner Thom Alicea, Treasurer Bill Jarvis, John Pope.
III. 6:51 p.m. - Pledge Of Allegiance led by Chairman Ronald Burroughs.
IV. Meeting
    6:59 p.m. - Commissioner Edward Selsby moves to approve the minutes of 4/14/01. Vice Chair Rollings seconds. 
    7:04 p.m. - Minutes approved.
    7:10 p.m. - Jarvis arrives.
    7:13 p.m. - Roger Lambert motions for the dismissal of Jarvis as Treasurer on grounds of chronic absenteeism.
    * Motion seconded by Commissioner Selsby.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.
    7:14 p.m. - Jarvis requests recent divorce to be noted in minutes as reason for absences.
    * Request denied.
    7:15 p.m. - Motion to forgo other meeting itinerary in lieu of inquiry of Jarvis made by Lambert.
    * Motion seconded by Edward Holian.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

I bought tickets for a friend and me to see The Producers, but she got sick at the last minute and had to cancel. I couldn't find anyone else to go with, and I charged them on my credit card, so I got stuck with a big bill. I told this to my friend, but she didn't offer to reimburse me. Since I bought the ticket for her, shouldn't she pay for it whether she goes or not? I'd like to know the proper etiquette before I say anything.

—Stiffed In Staten Island

Dear Stiffed,

    7:16 p.m. - Inquiry into status of Treasurer Jarvis. Jarvis motions to have inquiry tabled until next meeting.
    * Motion not seconded.
    7:17 p.m. – Motion made by Lambert to have Jarvis' absentee record read by Kiwanis Secretary.
    * Motion seconded by Allen Holian.
    * Motion passes 15 to 3.
    7:18 p.m. - Evidence against Treasurer Jarvis read by Lambert.
    1. Missed three out of four meetings in months of February and March.
    2. Has had 'bad attitude' at meetings.
    3. Refused to step down when asked by various Kiwanis members.
    4. Volunteers forced to buy supplies for Pivet Park clean-up project due to Jarvis' absence. Many still not reimbursed.
    7:20 p.m. - Reading of evidence interrupted by Jarvis' request to respond to charges personally.
    * Request denied.
    * Heated argument between Jarvis and Chairman Burroughs.

Dear The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting,

Every morning, I carpool to work with some of my coworkers. We generally get along, but whenever one particular man drives, he insists on tuning the radio to a local morning DJ that I find offensive. I've told him several times that I'd rather not listen to it, but he just laughs it off. I know it's his car, but I think we should try to listen to things that all of us can enjoy.

—Offended In Oberlin

Dear Offended,

    7:31 p.m. - Reading of evidence continues. Lambert alleges Jarvis may have come to at least two Kiwanis meetings under the influence of alcohol.
    7:32 p.m. - Reading of evidence interrupted by request to have "Fuck you, Roger" uttered by Jarvis added to minutes.
    * Request denied.
    7:33 p.m. - Lambert asks that "Fuck you, Roger" be kept in the minutes as further evidence against Jarvis.
    * Request granted.
    7:34 p.m. - Motion by Jarvis to Lambert to "take this outside."
    * Lambert requests to note in the minutes that Jarvis is "an asshole."
    * Jarvis requests to note in the minutes that Lambert's wife committed suicide three years ago.
    7:36 p.m. - Motion by Chairman Burroughs to force Lambert to stop punching Jarvis.
    * Motion defeated 16-2.

The Shawano Kiwanis Club Minutes, 5/5/01, is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask the Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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