Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard

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Vol 37 Issue 13

Bruce Vilanch Sodomized By Homosexual

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In an act "so heinous, it defies the imagination," famed awards-show joke writer and Hollywood Squares regular Bruce Vilanch was sodomized by an unnamed homosexual Monday. Authorities are still at a loss as to what could have motivated the homosexual–whom Vilanch met at a dinner party before accompanying him home–to commit the act. "How could anyone do such a thing?" asked Vilanch's distraught Hollywood Squares co-star Whoopi Goldberg. "What sort of inhuman monster could bring himself to do this?" Vilanch, who described himself as "perfectly fabulous" following the incident, told reporters: "I felt like Monica Lewinsky... at a cigar store!

Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

POPLAR BLUFF, MO–Critics savaged Monday's underwhelming stage debut of second-grader Kimberly Bauer, who "fumbled and stumbled her way" through the role of the Happy Little Pine Tree in Mrs. Shore's class production of Our Forest Friends. "What is supposed to be an eloquently simple role was bludgeoned into the ground by Ms. Bauer's ham-fisted delivery and clunky sense of timing," said Poplar Bluff Gazette theater critic Meredith Woodson. "One might have leaned her cardboard-cutout tree costume against the wall for a superior display of thespianism."

Report: Clinton Accepted Rebate While In Office Depot

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report in Monday's Washington Post, on Jan. 14, Bill Clinton accepted a $60 rebate on an O'Sullivan office workcenter while in Office Depot. "In his final days as president, Mr. Clinton knowingly took money as an enticement to purchase a $300 desk, leveraging his status as a valued customer of Office Depot for personal gain," the report stated. "The sales associate who orchestrated the deal, Marc Ryback, has a history of dealings with the president dating back to a November 1995 photocopier-for-cash exchange." Said a spokesman for the former president: "Mr. Clinton regrets any wrongdoing that may have occurred."

The U.S.-China Standoff

Last week, China detained 24 Navy officers after their spy plane collided with a Chinese jet. What do you think about the escalating tensions between the two nations?

Nation Awaits Word On Today's Slam Dunks

BRISTOL, CT–As of press time, an anxious nation continues to wait for word on today's NBA slam dunks. "The moment we have any information on any dunks, we will pass it along to the American people," said Dan Patrick, speaking from ESPN's Bristol headquarters. "We do know that the Mavs and Hornets tip off at 3 p.m. EST, so hopefully sometime shortly after that, we'll know more." Patrick urged citizens to stay close to their televisions for the latest developments.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard

Dear Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard,

I recently moved to Florida from Minnesota for my career, and I'm very unhappy. My job is fine, and the weather here is beautiful, but the people are really different from what I'm used to. To make a long story short, I'm having trouble finding a Florida man with good old-fashioned Midwestern values. Should I move back, or should I tough it out and learn to adjust?

—Confused In Coral Gables

Dear Confused,

Well, it sure is lookin' like a beautiful day in Hazzard, the little town where any old thing can happen... and usually does. Today, though, Hazzard's as quiet as a cat in socks. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and the Hazzard Ladies Auxiliary is lookin' prettier than ever. Daisy's busy as any beehive makin' her famous huckleberry pie, Ol' Cooter done gone and fell asleep while workin' under Uncle Jesse's truck again, Sheriff Roscoe is giving out phony parking tickets, and the Duke boys, Bo and Luke, are makin' this month's farm mortgage payment at the Bank of Hazzard. But, uh-oh... what's this here? Fetch a look over yonder. It's that low-down mean ol' Boss Hogg putting somethin' in the General Lee, something that looks a powerful lot like bank bags. If I was them poor Duke boys, I'd get a-ready for some slick shuckin'.

Dear Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard,

I love him, but my boyfriend is the worst dresser! He only has about three shirts he actually wears, and they're all worn out and faded. Now, he's in line for a possible promotion at work, and I think it's time to whip his wardrobe into shape. I don't expect him to become a fashion plate, but I do think having a neat and professional appearance counts in the eyes of an employer... and a girlfriend. Don't you agree?

—Exasperated In El Paso

Dear Exasperated,

Now, mind you, blowin' up the Boar's Nest outhouse was the dirtiest thing them Duke boys ever pulled besides a plow, but doggone if it weren't necessary. Sure, it made a bar full of good ol' boys madder than a weasel in a gum-bush, and pretty near scorched the skivvies right off of poor ol' Deputy Wilbur Fudge, but there's more than plain meanness to this here deal. In fact, in all the ruckus, I reckon no one noticed Daisy switchin' the counterfeit money bags on poor ol' Enos–and it's an unusual day in Hazzard County when a body don't notice the finest legs in Georgia. I guess dynamite in the two-holer does get folks' attention right quick. Ain't them boys slick?

Dear Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard,

I'm what you'd call a "neatnik." I like to have absolutely everything in its place. Problem is, the woman I love (I'll call her "Nicole") is the kind of person who can't be bothered to shelve books, rack CDs, or keep files organized. And now she wants us to move in together! How can I get her to change before she drives me nuts?

—Organized In Orchard Park

Dear Organized,

Look out, Bo! That low-down snake-belly-mean Sheriff Roscoe done set him up one of his genuine impenetrable roadblocks across Possum Gulch! And if them federal boys catch you with Boss Hogg's funny money in the General Lee, you can forget about havin' any of Daisy's huckleberry pie for a while. And what's this? Seems some ol' body left his farm wagon up against the gulch all tilted-like. Now, can any y'all guess what ol' Bo is thinkin' right about now? Stay set, folks, and we'll see if Luke manages to break himself into jail... and if Bo here ever comes down.

The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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