Ask VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson

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Vol 35 Issue 07

Signed 8x10 Of Tony Danza Draws Millions To Brooklyn Dry Cleaner

BROOKLYN, NY—An estimated 12 million people from some 90 nations are descending en masse on Dimitri's Dry Cleaners on Flatbush Avenue to drop off their dry cleaning and gaze upon the autographed photo of actor Tony Danza that hangs in the store's window. "To think that the proprietors of this establishment have met and may actually be close personal friends of actor Tony Danza, star of Who's The Boss? and Going Ape!," said Kentaro Kagemoto, one of the estimated 200,000 Japanese citizens to make the pilgrimage to Brooklyn to view the framed 8x10 glossy. "I must have my suits dry cleaned here and here only."

Area Insurance Salesman Celebrates 14th Year Of Quoting Fletch

VALLEJO, CA—At a gala luncheon featuring Bloody Marys, steak sandwiches and steak sandwiches, area insurance salesman Marty Cutler celebrated his 14th year of quoting lines from the 1985 Chevy Chase film Fletch. "All I can say is, 'Using the whole fist, doc?'" Cutler told the many guests who have endured his quips over the years. The 31-year-old Cutler, who arrived an hour late for the luncheon, explaining that "a manure-spreader jack-knifed on the Santa Ana," has quoted Fletch an estimated 241,500 times since first dropping lines from the film into conversation in November 1985. Upon learning that the event's $100-a-portion Beluga caviar had run out, Cutler, who also goes by the name "Dr. Rosenrosen," dead-panned, "Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat and the head of Alfredo Garcia."

Doctors No Closer To Cure For Old-Person Smell

BALTIMORE—Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that after years of research and millions of dollars spent, no progress has been made in the fight to cure Old-Person Smell. "Sadly, we still are no closer to eliminating OPS," team leader Dr. Bernard Houchin told reporters. But it is our solemn vow to lead the fight against this strange, kinda-stale smell for as long as need be, until no elderly person's family or friends have to experience that weird, sorta-medicinal, sorta-uriney odor ever again." Added Houchin, "What is that smell, anyway?"

Bar Mitzvah Marks Local Boy's Passage Into Materialism

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—Thirteen-year-old Joshua Nussbaum of Bloomfield Hills became a full-fledged consumer Saturday upon the event of his Bar Mitzvah, the traditional Jewish ceremony and subsequent extravagant catered affair that marks a boy's passage into materialism. "From this day forth, I shall acquire wealth and goods in the venerated tradition of my fathers," Nussbaum said during the five-hour, $18,000 reception, which featured a live band, a professional balloon-animal artist, and a video retrospective of his life on a big-screen TV purchased for the occasion. Added Nussbaum, who collected more than $21,000 in Bar Mitzvah gifts and cash: "Today, I am a consumer."

Snacktime Made More Fun

ORRVILLE, OH—The national pastime of eating delicious, reasonably priced snack-food items between meals was made more fun Monday, when the J.M. Smucker Company introduced Smucker's® Super-Snackers. The new product, which differs from ordinary Smucker's® Snackers due to the inclusion of new "Magic" Color-Change Sprinkles, is expected to propel already-soaring national snacktime-fun levels to unprecedented heights by mid-spring.

I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

Some people are always trying to be the center of attention. They want everyone to look at them and listen to what they have to say, no matter how insignificant their point may be. Well, that's not me. I don't need to call any special attention to myself.

Senator Hillary?

Last week, Hillary Clinton said she would give "careful thought" to running for a U.S. Senate seat in New York. What do you think about the prospect of a Senator Clinton?
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Ask VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson

Dear VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson,

Help! My mother is driving me crazy! I'm 26 years old (not exactly an old maid), and all I ever hear from her is, "When are you going to get married?" I have a very full, active life, including a terrific job in advertising and great friends, but all she cares about is that missing ring. How can I get her to quit ringing wedding bells in my ear all the time? Sign me...

—Single And Satisfied In Sacramento

Dear Single,

In 1981, Rick James was riding high. His song "Super Freak" was a massive hit, selling millions of copies and bringing him fame and fortune beyond his wildest dreams. But before long, it all came crashing down around him. Overwhelmed by his newfound superstar status and the rigors of a grueling world tour, James soon developed an $8,000-a-week cocaine habit that further fueled his destructive, insatiable appetite for the opposite sex. By 1990, the nightmare descent into booze and pills had left James bankrupt and very nearly dead. Today, James is back from the brink and has turned his life around. A newly sober, God-fearing family man, he recently returned to the studio for the first time in nearly 10 years, and is working on a new album he says is his best ever. The album is slated to hit stores later this year.

Dear VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson,

Last weekend, I was at a wedding reception, and the bride and groom were looking at a table covered with their still-wrapped gifts. The bride loudly said, "Some of these look too small to be the stuff on the registry. I hope we didn't get cheated." I was beside myself! Am I just being an old fuddy-duddy, or does nobody have manners anymore?

—Appalled In Anaheim

Dear Anaheim,

In 1972, Tanya Tucker was riding high. Her song "Delta Dawn" was a massive hit, selling millions of copies and bringing her fame and fortune beyond her wildest dreams. But before long, it all came crashing down around her. Overwhelmed by her newfound superstar status, the rigors of a grueling world tour and a tempestuous affair with fellow country star Glen Campbell, Tucker soon developed a destructive drinking habit and became a fixture on the Nashville party circuit. By 1980, the nightmare descent into booze and pills had cost Tucker her relationship with Campbell and very nearly her life. Today, Tucker is back from the brink and has turned her life around. Fully clean and sober, she recently starred in a touring production of Annie Get Your Gun and is working on a new album she says is her best ever. The album is slated to hit stores later this year.

Dear VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson,

Boy, could I use your help. I've been offered an amazing job promotion, but it would require me to move to California. The really big problem is, I just recently met this guy I'm completely nuts about. The relationship is barely a month old, but I'd hate to end something that could be really special. Then again, a promotion like this doesn't come along very often. What should I do?

—Confused In Concordia

Dear Concordia,

In 1989, Fab Morvan was riding high. The Milli Vanilli song "Girl You Know It's True" was a massive hit, selling millions of copies and bringing Morvan fame and fortune beyond his wildest dreams. But before long, it all came crashing down around him. Overwhelmed by his newfound superstar status and consumed by a shameful lip-synching secret, Morvan soon developed a destructive drug habit and a crippling case of suicidal depression. By 1993, the nightmare descent into booze and pills had left Morvan bankrupt and very nearly dead. Today, Morvan is back from the brink and has turned his life around. Off the drugs and high on life, he recently returned to the studio for the first time in nearly 10 years, and is working on a new album he says is his best ever. The album is slated to hit stores later this year.

Dear VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson,

I am a closeted lesbian who lives in a small town with a penchant for gossip. I know I would find myself more accepted in a big city somewhere, but I really do love the country life and have no real desire to move. Any suggestions?

—Gay In Galesburg

Dear Galesburg,

Dear Galesburg,
In 1971, I was riding high. My song "Me And Bobby McGee" was a massive hit for Janis Joplin, selling millions of copies and bringing me fame and fortune beyond my wildest dreams. But before long, it all came crashing down around me. Overwhelmed by my newfound superstar status and the pressure to produce more hits, I soon developed a destructive drinking habit and an insatiable taste for the wild life. By 1977, the nightmare descent into booze and pills had left me bankrupt and very nearly dead. Today, I'm back from the brink and have turned my life around. A sober, God-fearing family man and the host of a popular show on VH1, I recently returned to the studio for the first time in years to work on a new album that's my best ever. The album is slated to hit stores later this year.

VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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