Assassins! Assassins Every-Where!

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Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Assassins! Assassins Every-Where!

Standish! Standish! Make sure the Swiss Guard are on full alert tonight, with reinforcements! I received another death threat in to-day's mails!

I showed the note to the village constable, who insisted that I print it in my column, in the hopes that some-one might be able to identify the murderous thug and lead a posse of law-men to his hide-out. The constable said a similar tactic was helpful in apprehending a deranged gentle-man who sent home-made explosives in the mails because he was opposed to child-powered looms and the other wondrous industrial machinery of our day. So here, in its entirety, is the assassin's note:

Zweibel

U old fart who cares what u have to say Stop writing that column of you'res or Ill make u stop but good u old buzard Ill slit youre throat

I guess some people just can't stand the fact that I am still alive and have written the same column, day in, day out, for over a century. Indeed, my enemies are legion, and not even the thickest dictionary could contain their names.

Readers may recall my struggles with the villainous Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and hero to the destitute and shoe-less. Then, of course, there was Mr. Tin, my ro-bot nurse, who once tried to wage war against me with an invincible army of mechanical men he created. The latest scoundrel is Li Ming, an inscrutable Chinee and my chief rival for the title of World's Oldest Man. After my attempt to eliminate him was thwarted, the mysterious Society Of 800 Avenging Fists vowed revenge against me.

Assassins! Assassins every-where! Assassins in my pantry! Assassins in my armoire! In my carpet slippers! In my best meerschaum pipe! Assassins!

My weak-headed son U. Fairfax believes this latest threat is simply from a drunkard armed with nothing more than a poison pen. Experience, however, tells me that a far more cunning knave is at work here. Could he be a pirate captain, eager to hang my severed head from the bow of his corsair? A fellow robber-baron and plutocrat who covets my mighty news-paper empire? A woman driven mad with love for a man she can never have?

Who-ever this assassin may be, he should best beware! No assassin has yet claimed T. Herman Zweibel as his trophy, and those who have tried have met macabre ends! Beware, assassin, beware!

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