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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Assassins! Assassins Every-Where!

Standish! Standish! Make sure the Swiss Guard are on full alert tonight, with reinforcements! I received another death threat in to-day's mails!

I showed the note to the village constable, who insisted that I print it in my column, in the hopes that some-one might be able to identify the murderous thug and lead a posse of law-men to his hide-out. The constable said a similar tactic was helpful in apprehending a deranged gentle-man who sent home-made explosives in the mails because he was opposed to child-powered looms and the other wondrous industrial machinery of our day. So here, in its entirety, is the assassin's note:

Zweibel

U old fart who cares what u have to say Stop writing that column of you'res or Ill make u stop but good u old buzard Ill slit youre throat

I guess some people just can't stand the fact that I am still alive and have written the same column, day in, day out, for over a century. Indeed, my enemies are legion, and not even the thickest dictionary could contain their names.

Readers may recall my struggles with the villainous Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and hero to the destitute and shoe-less. Then, of course, there was Mr. Tin, my ro-bot nurse, who once tried to wage war against me with an invincible army of mechanical men he created. The latest scoundrel is Li Ming, an inscrutable Chinee and my chief rival for the title of World's Oldest Man. After my attempt to eliminate him was thwarted, the mysterious Society Of 800 Avenging Fists vowed revenge against me.

Assassins! Assassins every-where! Assassins in my pantry! Assassins in my armoire! In my carpet slippers! In my best meerschaum pipe! Assassins!

My weak-headed son U. Fairfax believes this latest threat is simply from a drunkard armed with nothing more than a poison pen. Experience, however, tells me that a far more cunning knave is at work here. Could he be a pirate captain, eager to hang my severed head from the bow of his corsair? A fellow robber-baron and plutocrat who covets my mighty news-paper empire? A woman driven mad with love for a man she can never have?

Who-ever this assassin may be, he should best beware! No assassin has yet claimed T. Herman Zweibel as his trophy, and those who have tried have met macabre ends! Beware, assassin, beware!

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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