adBlockCheck

At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar

Every day, people get the shit kicked out of them by cheap, second-rate implements. Be it discount baseball bats, flimsy aluminum pipes, or after-market non-waffle-head hammers, nearly everyone has at one time or another gone through the dehumanizing experience of being severely pummeled with a lesser-quality product. Well, I'm proud to say the crowbar that landed me in the hospital three weeks ago retails for $39.95, and is sold only in the better hardware stores.

Let me tell you, this is the kind of crowbar you'd tell everyone about if your lower jaw hadn't been smashed to pieces.

Sure, it hurt my ego when the Titan SureGrip crowbar was first driven into the back of my head, and yes, I did cry about it for a couple of hours afterwards, but that night, I was hit by something even harder than that 18-inch, curved piece of high-carbon steel: the realization that there's no shame in being beaten down by the best crowbar money can buy.

While I originally harbored some resentment toward my assailant for knocking out 17 of my teeth, all it took was one glance upward through a mist of blood at that blazing Titan logo arcing toward my face to realize I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Even while choking on my vital fluids and drifting in and out of consciousness, it was hard to ignore Titan's superior quality and craftsmanship with each two-handed, overhead blow to my ribcage. Pleading desperately for mercy, I was immediately struck by the crowbar's sturdy hexagonal cross-sectional structure, which prevented any bending of the shaft. Most of all, though, I was floored by how its cushioned SureGrip handle allowed my assailant to confidently pummel away at my helpless face-down frame without fear that it would slip loose.

No way. Not the SureGrip.

As far as durability goes, I'd probably have to rate the hardened and tempered Titan somewhere between "more durable" and "much more durable" than my skull.

The way I see it, if you're going to lose three pints of blood, you might as well lose it to the crowbar most trusted by demolition professionals the world over. After all, how many people can really say they were bludgeoned within an inch of their lives by the only crowbar to receive a perfect five-star rating in Hard Hat News magazine?

Everybody says it must have been some psychopath who beat me and left me for dead. And while at first that seems to make sense, ask yourself this: Would a psychopath purchase the highest-quality crowbar on the market today?

Never.

Sure, I may never be able to walk unassisted, but after months of physical therapy, I will be able to hold my head high. Things could have been a lot worse. For instance, I might have had to live out the remainder of my life with the humiliation of nearly dying at the hands of a mass-produced, stamp-steel-forged crowbar.

At the end of the day, after countless radiology exams and CAT scans, that's what separates me from the rest of the wimps in my ward. While it's possible that many of us will forget our names or what year it is again, I alone will always remember the brand name responsible for the debilitating trauma to my frontal lobe.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close