At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar

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Fargo on FX

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:



Fargo on FX

At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar

Every day, people get the shit kicked out of them by cheap, second-rate implements. Be it discount baseball bats, flimsy aluminum pipes, or after-market non-waffle-head hammers, nearly everyone has at one time or another gone through the dehumanizing experience of being severely pummeled with a lesser-quality product. Well, I'm proud to say the crowbar that landed me in the hospital three weeks ago retails for $39.95, and is sold only in the better hardware stores.

Let me tell you, this is the kind of crowbar you'd tell everyone about if your lower jaw hadn't been smashed to pieces.

Sure, it hurt my ego when the Titan SureGrip crowbar was first driven into the back of my head, and yes, I did cry about it for a couple of hours afterwards, but that night, I was hit by something even harder than that 18-inch, curved piece of high-carbon steel: the realization that there's no shame in being beaten down by the best crowbar money can buy.

While I originally harbored some resentment toward my assailant for knocking out 17 of my teeth, all it took was one glance upward through a mist of blood at that blazing Titan logo arcing toward my face to realize I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Even while choking on my vital fluids and drifting in and out of consciousness, it was hard to ignore Titan's superior quality and craftsmanship with each two-handed, overhead blow to my ribcage. Pleading desperately for mercy, I was immediately struck by the crowbar's sturdy hexagonal cross-sectional structure, which prevented any bending of the shaft. Most of all, though, I was floored by how its cushioned SureGrip handle allowed my assailant to confidently pummel away at my helpless face-down frame without fear that it would slip loose.

No way. Not the SureGrip.

As far as durability goes, I'd probably have to rate the hardened and tempered Titan somewhere between "more durable" and "much more durable" than my skull.

The way I see it, if you're going to lose three pints of blood, you might as well lose it to the crowbar most trusted by demolition professionals the world over. After all, how many people can really say they were bludgeoned within an inch of their lives by the only crowbar to receive a perfect five-star rating in Hard Hat News magazine?

Everybody says it must have been some psychopath who beat me and left me for dead. And while at first that seems to make sense, ask yourself this: Would a psychopath purchase the highest-quality crowbar on the market today?


Sure, I may never be able to walk unassisted, but after months of physical therapy, I will be able to hold my head high. Things could have been a lot worse. For instance, I might have had to live out the remainder of my life with the humiliation of nearly dying at the hands of a mass-produced, stamp-steel-forged crowbar.

At the end of the day, after countless radiology exams and CAT scans, that's what separates me from the rest of the wimps in my ward. While it's possible that many of us will forget our names or what year it is again, I alone will always remember the brand name responsible for the debilitating trauma to my frontal lobe.

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