Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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At This Point In The Plan, The Mice Will Be Very Surprised

They will be surprised, that much is certain. Every precaution has been taken to ensure it. The mice, they will not see it coming.

I have gone over the plan. Late at night, when the mice were scurrying and squeaking and nibbling, I sat in bed and went over the plan. Checking. Rechecking. Making sure that they would not expect it. That it would take their tiny little rodent brains by complete surprise. That it would guarantee victory—sweet, undeniable victory—over the mice.

Everything has been leading up to this.

The kitchen floor has been waxed. The wooden cabinet, once a safe refuge for the mice, has been rigged. The box of crackers is not a box of crackers at all. No, the box of crackers is something entirely different. Something not so innocent. Something not so benign. The mice, they will pay for their insolence. They will cry out for forgiveness. Their beady little eyes will fill with sorrow and regret. With remorse.

This is why I'll have the video camera there. To capture the remorse.

Some people might say that my plan isn't fair. They might look at the strobe lights, at the spring-loaded steel, at the decoy mouse—fashioned from old dishrags and spray- painted gray—and they might say that my plan goes too far. But then, they do not know what these mice are capable of. They were not there, horrified, when the little tyrants got into the cupboards. When they ate those crackers. My crackers.

Yes, there was a time when the mice had the upper hand. Not so long ago, before my wife, Teresa, stopped speaking to me, before my managers found my blueprints at work, before they said they were going to have to let me go—the mice had the upper hand then. But things are different now. Teresa has left, and in her absence, hundreds of diagrams have been produced. Every last thought worked out on paper. Every waking minute devoted to the great surprise.

Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they run. See how they all fucking run.

This is not the first plan, of course. There have been many. There was the plan with the hot wax and the wires. The plan with the firecrackers and the large feral cat. The plan, earlier this week, to get Teresa back, to convince her that the mice had not gotten the best of me, that they were not, in fact, "all I could think about." But each failed. And that, dear friends, is what separates those plans from this one. That and the sheer terror that will run through the mice when they see what I have in store for them.

When they see the mirrors. Carefully arranged to heighten the panic. Perfectly positioned to reflect the horror. The moment of terror duplicated a hundred times over in their surface. The moment of defeat surrounding the mice in each and every direction.†

This will be the moment, after months of anguish, when the mice will realize what their actions have wrought.

Now, there is a chance that my new plan could go awry. I hate to admit it, but yes, that is a possibility. For instance, the audio recording I have made of tiny mouse sounds—cheerful and upbeat mouse sounds, mouse sounds that seem to convey an air of normalcy and in which no sense of approaching danger can be detected—may fail to draw the wily rodents out of their hole. Also, there is a small chance that the bucket of rubber snakes—the mortal enemy of the mouse—will not drop from the kitchen ceiling as intended, will not paralyze the unsuspecting creatures with a mixture of fear and dread.

And, while I hate to give the theory any more credence, there is also the risk that I and not the mice ate those crackers. That I forgot I had eaten them the day before and that there are, in fact, no mice to speak of. That the mice, as some professionals have claimed, are nothing more than an elaborate justification on my part. An invisible rationalization, one intended to cast blame aside, and leave me a guiltless victim of the times.

Or, there's a chance that my therapist has been infiltrated by the mice and is now operating on their side. Yes, that's it. Dr. Bernard has been compromised.


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