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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud!

Come on! Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Really? Really?

Aw, fer crying out loud!

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Just hold up—hold up a sec. I cannot believe this. I absolutely cannot believe any of this. If you’re telling me what I think you’re telling me, then it’s…. Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of it. You gotta be kidding me. Are you kidding me here?

Seriously, is this some sort of big joke? If so, then ha, ha, ha, very funny. If not, then—ay yi yi. I mean, for God’s sake! This is not, this is, this—

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way. Uh-uh.

Listen to me. Listen to me! Will you cut it out already? Jesus Christ.

Again with this stuff. Again! It’s outrageous—that’s what it is. Completely outrageous. I mean, what the hell? Give me a break here. Give me a fucking break, okay? You come to me with this and then suddenly I’m…now I’m supposed to…supposed to…I just…you’re telling me….

Great. Just great.

What exactly am I supposed to do? Did you stop to think about that? Did you? For chrissakes! To be honest, I’m doing my best not to even think about it, because I really can’t deal with this right now.

First it’s one thing, then it’s another, huh? Is that the way it works? Well then, what’s next?

This is ridiculous. This whole thing’s ridiculous.

I give up. I give up! I’ve had it up to here—up to here, I’m telling you! To hell with it all. Just screw it. That’s how fed up I am at this point. I am completely and totally fed up. Sheesh.

Unbelievable.

Actually, wait, you know what? It is kind of a valid point. In fact, it makes a lot of sense, the more I think about it. So, uh, just let me know if I can do anything to help. All right? Cool.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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