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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud!

Come on! Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Really? Really?

Aw, fer crying out loud!

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Just hold up—hold up a sec. I cannot believe this. I absolutely cannot believe any of this. If you’re telling me what I think you’re telling me, then it’s…. Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of it. You gotta be kidding me. Are you kidding me here?

Seriously, is this some sort of big joke? If so, then ha, ha, ha, very funny. If not, then—ay yi yi. I mean, for God’s sake! This is not, this is, this—

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way. Uh-uh.

Listen to me. Listen to me! Will you cut it out already? Jesus Christ.

Again with this stuff. Again! It’s outrageous—that’s what it is. Completely outrageous. I mean, what the hell? Give me a break here. Give me a fucking break, okay? You come to me with this and then suddenly I’m…now I’m supposed to…supposed to…I just…you’re telling me….

Great. Just great.

What exactly am I supposed to do? Did you stop to think about that? Did you? For chrissakes! To be honest, I’m doing my best not to even think about it, because I really can’t deal with this right now.

First it’s one thing, then it’s another, huh? Is that the way it works? Well then, what’s next?

This is ridiculous. This whole thing’s ridiculous.

I give up. I give up! I’ve had it up to here—up to here, I’m telling you! To hell with it all. Just screw it. That’s how fed up I am at this point. I am completely and totally fed up. Sheesh.

Unbelievable.

Actually, wait, you know what? It is kind of a valid point. In fact, it makes a lot of sense, the more I think about it. So, uh, just let me know if I can do anything to help. All right? Cool.

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