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Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud!

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud!

Come on! Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Really? Really?

Aw, fer crying out loud!

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Just hold up—hold up a sec. I cannot believe this. I absolutely cannot believe any of this. If you’re telling me what I think you’re telling me, then it’s…. Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of it. You gotta be kidding me. Are you kidding me here?

Seriously, is this some sort of big joke? If so, then ha, ha, ha, very funny. If not, then—ay yi yi. I mean, for God’s sake! This is not, this is, this—

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way. Uh-uh.

Listen to me. Listen to me! Will you cut it out already? Jesus Christ.

Again with this stuff. Again! It’s outrageous—that’s what it is. Completely outrageous. I mean, what the hell? Give me a break here. Give me a fucking break, okay? You come to me with this and then suddenly I’m…now I’m supposed to…supposed to…I just…you’re telling me….

Great. Just great.

What exactly am I supposed to do? Did you stop to think about that? Did you? For chrissakes! To be honest, I’m doing my best not to even think about it, because I really can’t deal with this right now.

First it’s one thing, then it’s another, huh? Is that the way it works? Well then, what’s next?

This is ridiculous. This whole thing’s ridiculous.

I give up. I give up! I’ve had it up to here—up to here, I’m telling you! To hell with it all. Just screw it. That’s how fed up I am at this point. I am completely and totally fed up. Sheesh.

Unbelievable.

Actually, wait, you know what? It is kind of a valid point. In fact, it makes a lot of sense, the more I think about it. So, uh, just let me know if I can do anything to help. All right? Cool.

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