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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Aw, Who Am I Kidding? I'm No Match For Stains

For more than 60 years, I have been recognized far and wide as America's foremost stain-fighter. I'm sure you've all heard the ad copy: Tide is the scourge of blotches and splotches everywhere, able to tackle dirt, grime, or hard-to-get-out stains with the best of them. And while that may not always be true, exactly, I still believe that if you examine my record carefully, you will find it is, you know, for the most part…very…uh…very….

Aw, nuts. Who am I trying to fool here? We all know I couldn't beat a stain if my life depended on it.

I know, I know, I have the stain-fighting power of baking soda, I'm a powerful two-in-one cleaner, blah blah blah blah.

I used to believe all the hype myself. I'd see a stain and I'd dive in with everything I had. But I was younger then, full of hope and wide-eyed idealism. Nowadays, my label might say "new and improved," but on the inside, I'm as flimsy and torn as the cheap, colored cardboard that contains me.

Jeez, listen to me. What the hell happened to my confidence?

People say I shouldn't beat myself up about it so bad. After all, I've taken out some great stains in my day. I used to go up against a massive coffee stain on a white button-down like it was nothing. And who can forget the disappearing act I did on that red wine after the famous merlot-on-silk-blouse incident? Incredible! Yes sir, those were some mean stains, boy, and I zapped them right out. Yeah. Right out.

Oh, man, what'm I saying? Those stains were all presoaked with club soda and scrubbed with a coarse brush before they even made it into the washing machine. I had an unfair advantage right from the very start!

I mean, come on. Doesn't everybody realize how worthless I am? I should just give up and disappear from America's supermarket shelves for good. I'm sure no one would even care.

Of course, I can get some stains out. There's no denying that. But the real ground-in, serious stains, the ones that really mean something, make it through the wash every time, without fail. Because the ugly truth is that stains like that are pretty much impossible to get out. That's why they're called stains, because you can't just wash them out with simple dodecylbenzene sulfonate compounds like me. Oh, sure, you can throw phosphors and enzymes at them till your heart's content, but those tainted cloth fibers ain't goin' nowhere. And even if I do defeat a stain, there's another, bigger, tougher stain right behind it. It never stops.

Just stain after stain after stain after stain.

That's why most days, after I get poured into the washing machine, I just sit there, staring at dirt and grime, completely paralyzed by fear. What's even the point anymore?

This whole thing is a joke. I'm a joke. Splashing my logo in huge, bright colors on daytime television. Trying to convince the housewives of America—and myself—that I was something I am not. Bragging about how no stain could defeat me, when all the while there were plenty of fairly mild stains kicking my powdered ass all over town. What a blowhard. What a phony. And all those whites that came out pink because they were mixed with colors? I used to think that was funny. Now I see it for what it always was: a scarlet letter of failure.

So I guess, if you want, you can bring on the stains, America. I'll do my best, but we both know I'm playing a loser's game here. Go ahead, pour me into your dirty laundry. Maybe I'll get your stain out, if it's tiny and hasn't dried yet. But if it's just one of your garden- variety, set-in discolorations, I probably won't do a damned thing. And though it hurts to admit that to myself, it's the truth.

Sometimes I wish I were already dissolved.

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