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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Babes In The Woods

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman T. Zwiebel), once the richest and most powerful plutocrat in the Republic, must now fight for survival in the desolate wilderness. Even my liberty is in peril: I am the target of a man-hunt, because, by abandoning my lost estate, I am in defiance of the court-order that confined me there. O Fate! What a cruel mistress you are!

It is a wonder I have survived this long, and for that I must give thanks to my faithful man-servant Standish. Through-out my ordeal, he has been by my side, catering to my every need as best he can in this snow-swept hellscape. He fashioned a crude lean-to out of twigs and pitch, ensnared wild game in a hand-made wooden trap, and divined the coveted secret of fire. All this, and he still manages to transcribe my columns onto birch-logs, which he then floats down-river to the Onion offices.

I must also cite the heroic efforts of a group of uniformed young men who happened upon our camp whilst I lay ill and injured upon the bare ground. At first, I believed them to be a sheriff's posse and ordered Standish to spring upon them and throttle them with a length of piano-wire. "But, sir," Standish replied, "these are Boy-Scouts, members of the movement founded by Lord Baden-Powell to make boys strong of body, clear of mind, and pure of heart."

Boy-Scouts! I prostrated myself at their feet and begged them to aid me in my hour of darkness. They proved more than up to the task. They fed me soup and dressed my wounds with cloth-bandages cut with their trusty pen-knives and a poultice made of chicken-shit. They even managed to jerry-rig an enema-dispenser out of scraps of mole-skin cloth and cat-gut. They restored me nearly to the bloom of health, and in a matter of hours, Standish and I lit out for the Western Mountains, armed with a map, a compass and corn-meal. God bless those brave youths! If I ever regain my vast fortune, they will not go unrewarded! They will receive a paper star, painted gold. I have not yet decided whether it shall be decorated with a red silk trimming.

These inspiring boys helped me recall my own youthful vigor and pluck on the wild frontier! Harness your-self to my wheel-chair, Standish, and forge on-ward! Westward ho-ooooooooooo!

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