adBlockCheck

Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

Item! I always thought that Charles and Diana had the wedding of the century, what with that bridal train that could have slept five and all the guests. And the horses!

But despite their beautiful wedding, Chuck and Di got divorced, and then Diana died a gruesome death in a horrific, high-speed auto accident, so I guess that wasn't really the wedding of the century, after all. The real wedding-of-the-century title now has to go to Barbra "Babs" Streisand and James Brolin! Could you imagine a better couple than the Queen Of Song and the King Of Hollywood? Now, details have been sketchy, but from what I could gather, they wore stunning outfits fit for a queen and king. They had an orchestra play a rendition of that Streisand classic "What Kind Of Fool?" (originally a duet with Barry Gibb). And, after their vows, they smashed wine glasses with their feet. (I'm assuming because they're Buddhists.) What I would have given to have attended this blessed occasion. Best wishes to you, Babs and James! May your union last as long as Pensacola: Wings Of Gold!

Item! On a sadder note, former star of Undersea Submarine Hunt and one time vice-presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen passed away recently. Bentsen, 97, had been in great spirits right up until the end, as evidenced by his final theatrical turn in the new comedy that will have you in stitches, Mafia! He gave us so much--laughter, hopes, dreams, and the thrill of the undersea kingdom. He was like another dead man in that respect, and that man is Jacques Cousteau.

Hey! It's almost lime season again, and you know what that means... more of the famous Harvey Margaritas!

Item! Rumor has it that Cheech Marin may not be returning to the CBS smash hit Nash Bridges in the fall. Now, Don Johnson may get all the accolades and ink as the show's star, but, if you ask me, it's Cheech who's the heart and soul of Nash Bridges and the key to its super success. Stay, Cheech, stay!

Call me a sucker, but I just saw the new Tarzan movie, and I am positively ape over it! Maybe it's the exotic jungle setting, or maybe it's Jane March's turn as Jane (pretty funny name coincidence, if you ask me) that had me spinning. Or, perhaps it was the thrilling adrenaline rush that only a Tarzan movie can provide. Whatever the case, I'd say you should keep your eye on this one. It has blockbuster written all over it.

Speaking of blockbusters, remember last summer, when it was all volcanoes on the silver screen? Well, this year, it's all asteroids! In two movies this summer, the Earth is in danger of being destroyed by asteroids. In the first, Asteroid, the president sends people underground so he can more effectively fight the menace of the asteroid. I haven't heard much about the second one, but I have no doubt that it's every bit as "smashing" as the first!

I think I've had just about enough of this whole Kenneth Starr thing. Haven't you?

Back to the most important topic of the week, I'd like to share with you a poem I wrote for the happy couple:

Babs and Brolin / Like two stones, they are a-rollin' / Roll up to the home of love / Brolin and Babs / They are driving like cabs / Right up to the home of love. I hope they see this column or get the copy of the poem that I mailed them. Only a couple like Brolin and Babs could inspire yours truly to create poetry.

There's paper plates, and then there's Dixie(TM)-brand paper plates... big, durable and easy on the eyes.

Item! Current Hollywood hot ticket and "hunk-tor" extraordinaire Matt Damon has been seen about town (that town being Tinseltown, of course) boasting loudly about his new car. Well, when I heard this, I had to track down some more information for all my faithful Harveyheads, and, after hitting up some of my more reliable sources, I was able to find out that he purchased a 1998 Saturn. Not only that, he attends those Saturn Club meetings where everyone talks about their cars. Apparently, no one loves his car more than Damon, who likes to brag about how he drove it to the store, the big Hollywood premiere, even the hospital to have a cut inspected (no big deal, in case you were wondering). Now you know the truth behind Matt Damon: Saturn owner.

I don't want to sound like a prude, but I think we have to seriously check our moral compass when one of our nation's most beloved heroes is a goof-off named Butt-head. "Butt-head"? More like Dumb-head if you ask me.

Item! Guess who has been named 1998 Funnygirl Of The Year? Why, it's none other than that redhead from Suddenly Susan! Yep, her sharp tongue and fast wit have netted her a "Funny," and I can't think of anyone more deserving. Congrats, redhead from Suddenly Susan!

Well, that does it for this week's gossip, folks. I'm sure there's more out there, but, as they say, too much of a good thing can be bad for you. I'll just whet your appetite for future dish with this juicy tidbit: I have it on good authority that a certain Hollywood heart-throb is dating a sexy model! Who is it? You'll just have to wait until next time to find out! Until then, remember that all of you are very special to me.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close