Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

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Vol 33 Issue 26

Area Client Would Like A Different Font

PASSAIC, NJ—Gavin Werdlick, owner of a chain of Passaic-area sub shops, would prefer a different font, sources at Byrd Advertising learned Thursday. "Maybe one of those fonts where it's all swirly," Werdlick told his advertising representative. "Then it would be all fancy-looking." Fonts previously rejected by Werdlick for his ad include Bureau Grotesque, Futura Condensed Light, and Bodoni BE Extra-Bold.

Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to pursuing police Saturday with a brilliant "don't stop" plan. "I was drunk, and I knew I would be in trouble if I got caught in such a state," Frisch said, "so I settled on a plan of not stopping." Sgt. Robert Love, one of the pursuing officers, described himself as "utterly bamboozled" by Frisch's unorthodox stratagem. "I had no idea how to respond to this inspired ruse," Love said. "I stand in awe of his ingenuity."

Morbidly Obese Man Recommends You Read The Hobbit

PHOENIX—Roy Cordell, a 475-pound science-fiction enthusiast, strongly recommends you read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, it was learned Monday. "You haven't read The Hobbit?" said Cordell, sweating profusely. "It's the tale of Bilbo Baggins, who is torn from his cozy hobbit hole by a band of rowdy dwarves and taken on a fantastic quest for the dwarves' ancestral treasure, which was stolen by the evil dragon Smaug." Pausing to shove a slice of Pizza Hut Sausage Lover's Pizza into his bearded, gaping maw, Cordell noted that Tolkien was a remarkable man. "He was a professor of languages and knew all about mythology," he said. "His Middle Earth novels truly are a landmark of literature." The humongous Cordell concluded by urging you not to get him started about the computer game Warcraft II: Tides Of Darkness.

Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become clogged and inoperable. "I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing," said store owner James Vanderbek. "We paid too much for it to have to be cleaning it every week, I can tell you that." Said Ken Woodruff, the store's assistant manager: "It always seems to happen on Wednesday nights: Right around the time this one funny-looking tall guy leaves, someone always seems to complain about not being able to get change."

KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct 24-Piece Party Bucket From Single Chicken Leg

LEXINGTON, KY—In a major paleontological breakthrough, scientists at the Sanders Institute have successfully reconstructed a 24-piece KFC party bucket believed to date from as far back as last Thursday. "Using the bones of the leg retrieved from the Jonesboro dig, we have rebuilt this bucket, which appears to have once contained nine thighs and seven breasts," team leader Dr. Bryce Wallace said. "We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days."

Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.

Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
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Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

Item! I always thought that Charles and Diana had the wedding of the century, what with that bridal train that could have slept five and all the guests. And the horses!

But despite their beautiful wedding, Chuck and Di got divorced, and then Diana died a gruesome death in a horrific, high-speed auto accident, so I guess that wasn't really the wedding of the century, after all. The real wedding-of-the-century title now has to go to Barbra "Babs" Streisand and James Brolin! Could you imagine a better couple than the Queen Of Song and the King Of Hollywood? Now, details have been sketchy, but from what I could gather, they wore stunning outfits fit for a queen and king. They had an orchestra play a rendition of that Streisand classic "What Kind Of Fool?" (originally a duet with Barry Gibb). And, after their vows, they smashed wine glasses with their feet. (I'm assuming because they're Buddhists.) What I would have given to have attended this blessed occasion. Best wishes to you, Babs and James! May your union last as long as Pensacola: Wings Of Gold!

Item! On a sadder note, former star of Undersea Submarine Hunt and one time vice-presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen passed away recently. Bentsen, 97, had been in great spirits right up until the end, as evidenced by his final theatrical turn in the new comedy that will have you in stitches, Mafia! He gave us so much--laughter, hopes, dreams, and the thrill of the undersea kingdom. He was like another dead man in that respect, and that man is Jacques Cousteau.

Hey! It's almost lime season again, and you know what that means... more of the famous Harvey Margaritas!

Item! Rumor has it that Cheech Marin may not be returning to the CBS smash hit Nash Bridges in the fall. Now, Don Johnson may get all the accolades and ink as the show's star, but, if you ask me, it's Cheech who's the heart and soul of Nash Bridges and the key to its super success. Stay, Cheech, stay!

Call me a sucker, but I just saw the new Tarzan movie, and I am positively ape over it! Maybe it's the exotic jungle setting, or maybe it's Jane March's turn as Jane (pretty funny name coincidence, if you ask me) that had me spinning. Or, perhaps it was the thrilling adrenaline rush that only a Tarzan movie can provide. Whatever the case, I'd say you should keep your eye on this one. It has blockbuster written all over it.

Speaking of blockbusters, remember last summer, when it was all volcanoes on the silver screen? Well, this year, it's all asteroids! In two movies this summer, the Earth is in danger of being destroyed by asteroids. In the first, Asteroid, the president sends people underground so he can more effectively fight the menace of the asteroid. I haven't heard much about the second one, but I have no doubt that it's every bit as "smashing" as the first!

I think I've had just about enough of this whole Kenneth Starr thing. Haven't you?

Back to the most important topic of the week, I'd like to share with you a poem I wrote for the happy couple:

Babs and Brolin / Like two stones, they are a-rollin' / Roll up to the home of love / Brolin and Babs / They are driving like cabs / Right up to the home of love. I hope they see this column or get the copy of the poem that I mailed them. Only a couple like Brolin and Babs could inspire yours truly to create poetry.

There's paper plates, and then there's Dixie(TM)-brand paper plates... big, durable and easy on the eyes.

Item! Current Hollywood hot ticket and "hunk-tor" extraordinaire Matt Damon has been seen about town (that town being Tinseltown, of course) boasting loudly about his new car. Well, when I heard this, I had to track down some more information for all my faithful Harveyheads, and, after hitting up some of my more reliable sources, I was able to find out that he purchased a 1998 Saturn. Not only that, he attends those Saturn Club meetings where everyone talks about their cars. Apparently, no one loves his car more than Damon, who likes to brag about how he drove it to the store, the big Hollywood premiere, even the hospital to have a cut inspected (no big deal, in case you were wondering). Now you know the truth behind Matt Damon: Saturn owner.

I don't want to sound like a prude, but I think we have to seriously check our moral compass when one of our nation's most beloved heroes is a goof-off named Butt-head. "Butt-head"? More like Dumb-head if you ask me.

Item! Guess who has been named 1998 Funnygirl Of The Year? Why, it's none other than that redhead from Suddenly Susan! Yep, her sharp tongue and fast wit have netted her a "Funny," and I can't think of anyone more deserving. Congrats, redhead from Suddenly Susan!

Well, that does it for this week's gossip, folks. I'm sure there's more out there, but, as they say, too much of a good thing can be bad for you. I'll just whet your appetite for future dish with this juicy tidbit: I have it on good authority that a certain Hollywood heart-throb is dating a sexy model! Who is it? You'll just have to wait until next time to find out! Until then, remember that all of you are very special to me.

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