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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

Item! I always thought that Charles and Diana had the wedding of the century, what with that bridal train that could have slept five and all the guests. And the horses!

But despite their beautiful wedding, Chuck and Di got divorced, and then Diana died a gruesome death in a horrific, high-speed auto accident, so I guess that wasn't really the wedding of the century, after all. The real wedding-of-the-century title now has to go to Barbra "Babs" Streisand and James Brolin! Could you imagine a better couple than the Queen Of Song and the King Of Hollywood? Now, details have been sketchy, but from what I could gather, they wore stunning outfits fit for a queen and king. They had an orchestra play a rendition of that Streisand classic "What Kind Of Fool?" (originally a duet with Barry Gibb). And, after their vows, they smashed wine glasses with their feet. (I'm assuming because they're Buddhists.) What I would have given to have attended this blessed occasion. Best wishes to you, Babs and James! May your union last as long as Pensacola: Wings Of Gold!

Item! On a sadder note, former star of Undersea Submarine Hunt and one time vice-presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen passed away recently. Bentsen, 97, had been in great spirits right up until the end, as evidenced by his final theatrical turn in the new comedy that will have you in stitches, Mafia! He gave us so much--laughter, hopes, dreams, and the thrill of the undersea kingdom. He was like another dead man in that respect, and that man is Jacques Cousteau.

Hey! It's almost lime season again, and you know what that means... more of the famous Harvey Margaritas!

Item! Rumor has it that Cheech Marin may not be returning to the CBS smash hit Nash Bridges in the fall. Now, Don Johnson may get all the accolades and ink as the show's star, but, if you ask me, it's Cheech who's the heart and soul of Nash Bridges and the key to its super success. Stay, Cheech, stay!

Call me a sucker, but I just saw the new Tarzan movie, and I am positively ape over it! Maybe it's the exotic jungle setting, or maybe it's Jane March's turn as Jane (pretty funny name coincidence, if you ask me) that had me spinning. Or, perhaps it was the thrilling adrenaline rush that only a Tarzan movie can provide. Whatever the case, I'd say you should keep your eye on this one. It has blockbuster written all over it.

Speaking of blockbusters, remember last summer, when it was all volcanoes on the silver screen? Well, this year, it's all asteroids! In two movies this summer, the Earth is in danger of being destroyed by asteroids. In the first, Asteroid, the president sends people underground so he can more effectively fight the menace of the asteroid. I haven't heard much about the second one, but I have no doubt that it's every bit as "smashing" as the first!

I think I've had just about enough of this whole Kenneth Starr thing. Haven't you?

Back to the most important topic of the week, I'd like to share with you a poem I wrote for the happy couple:

Babs and Brolin / Like two stones, they are a-rollin' / Roll up to the home of love / Brolin and Babs / They are driving like cabs / Right up to the home of love. I hope they see this column or get the copy of the poem that I mailed them. Only a couple like Brolin and Babs could inspire yours truly to create poetry.

There's paper plates, and then there's Dixie(TM)-brand paper plates... big, durable and easy on the eyes.

Item! Current Hollywood hot ticket and "hunk-tor" extraordinaire Matt Damon has been seen about town (that town being Tinseltown, of course) boasting loudly about his new car. Well, when I heard this, I had to track down some more information for all my faithful Harveyheads, and, after hitting up some of my more reliable sources, I was able to find out that he purchased a 1998 Saturn. Not only that, he attends those Saturn Club meetings where everyone talks about their cars. Apparently, no one loves his car more than Damon, who likes to brag about how he drove it to the store, the big Hollywood premiere, even the hospital to have a cut inspected (no big deal, in case you were wondering). Now you know the truth behind Matt Damon: Saturn owner.

I don't want to sound like a prude, but I think we have to seriously check our moral compass when one of our nation's most beloved heroes is a goof-off named Butt-head. "Butt-head"? More like Dumb-head if you ask me.

Item! Guess who has been named 1998 Funnygirl Of The Year? Why, it's none other than that redhead from Suddenly Susan! Yep, her sharp tongue and fast wit have netted her a "Funny," and I can't think of anyone more deserving. Congrats, redhead from Suddenly Susan!

Well, that does it for this week's gossip, folks. I'm sure there's more out there, but, as they say, too much of a good thing can be bad for you. I'll just whet your appetite for future dish with this juicy tidbit: I have it on good authority that a certain Hollywood heart-throb is dating a sexy model! Who is it? You'll just have to wait until next time to find out! Until then, remember that all of you are very special to me.

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