Baby, Don't Go

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Vol 35 Issue 21

Celebrity Killed In Mid-Air 747 Collision

LOS ANGELES—Actor Conrad Janis, best known as Pam Dawber's father on the popular television program Mork & Mindy, is believed among the deceased in a mid-air collision of two filled-to-capacity Delta Boeing 747s Monday which left no survivors. Janis, who co-starred as Fred McConnell on the ABC sitcom from 1978 to 1982, was approximately 45 miles from the Pacific Coast when the tragic accident occurred. Janis, 71, also appeared in numerous films, most recently in 1996's The Cable Guy. While a search of the ticketing database has not yet determined whether any of the other 836 passengers were celebrities, the FAA has promised a full inquiry into Janis' death.

Daddy Hitting Mommy With A Chair This Time

MURFREESBORO, TN—Noises coming from the living room indicate that Daddy is hitting Mommy with a chair this time, way-back-in-the-closet sources reported Tuesday. Use of the chair—a departure from Daddy's normal yelling, hitting and kicking routine—was attributed to the existence of all the dishes in the F-word sink, as well as various other complaints. During the incident, Daddy also raised allegations of marital infidelity, which Mommy categorically denied.

Money Continues To Pour In To Some Undesignated Far-Off Point Somewhere

FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE—With the U.S. economy booming for the ninth straight year, money continues to pour into some undesignated far-off point somewhere, resulting in an increased standard of living for someone or another, common logic indicates. "I heard America is experiencing the greatest period of prosperity and fiscal health since the '50s," said steel-mill worker Devin Tumbusch of Philadelphia, who has not received a raise in four years. "I don't know who's benefitting from all this financial growth, but, wherever they may be, good for them." The widespread economic stability is expected to greatly benefit a whole bunch of people whom someone else knows.

Down With The League Of Nations

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should be attending to more important matters! What about all these damned Irish and He-brews and Po-lacks who are swarming into our great Re-public and ointment! Ointment! OINTMENT!

Louis Lapham Went Way Over The Line This Time

I hope you don't mind, but I've really got to blow off a little steam after reading editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" column in the June issue of Harper's Magazine. Over the years, I've grown accustomed to Lapham's disregard for propriety, but this time he went way over the line. I tried to keep calm, but when I read that the magazine's new "Archive" feature was meant, as he put it, to counter the popular impression that we live in a perpetual and annihilating present that severs our kinship with the past—man, oh man, I wanted to find that guy and pop him a good one.

Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

ATHENS, GA—Anger, shock, and feelings of intense awkwardness were just some of the reactions in the Helstein household Tuesday as Jeremy Helstein, 46, scolded his 17-year-old daughter Erica for allegedly wearing "next to nothing."

Presidential Pay Hike

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year, effective January 2001. What do you think?
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Holiday

Baby, Don't Go

Baby, we were so close to reuniting. I beg you not to leave me now.

Do none of the magic moments we shared mean anything to you now? What about the time I took you to the movies, then out to dinner, then treated you to a night of love-making and sensual pleasures no man or woman had ever attained before in the history of time? We were locked in a passionate embrace all night long, rolling in my satin sheets and listening to the sweet sounds of Tony Toni Toné. The next morning, I made eggs, ham and toast, and even provided extra butter and jellied preserves for you. There were also grapes available. I paid particular attention to the silver serving tray, offering with it a freshly picked red rose and a cloth napkin. Is that not a special memory to you like it is to me?

Girl. Don't make it like that.

That was the finest cloth napkin regionally available. Was it not good enough for you? Would you have me search the world over for a softer or more expensive cloth napkin that would be more to your liking? I will do so, if you would only ask. I will go to the ends of China to search out only the best for you. If you did not like the grapes, give me a chance to purchase a better selection. If I must, I will go to France to procure finer grapes for you.

What about the time I serenaded you in the rain? It was cold and late at night, but I did not care. I sang from the heart. You let me into your apartment and we made sweet love all night long. I touched your body in a sexy manner and moved very slowly, starting from your lower leg, up to your upper-thigh region and onto your abdomen, remaining steady the whole way.

It was when I reached your inner thigh that you were driven wild. You were driven to levels of ecstasy that have been unheard of since the days of Ancient Egypt, the time of Pharaohs and romance.

Damn, girl, simply going over these memories in my mind is making me want you even more. I want to take you right now, from behind.

Mm.

What about the time I washed you in the shower all morning? Were my soapy caresses not smooth or slow enough? Were my tender kisses not soft enough? Were my sweet words of love not whispered softly enough? Did I choose the wrong things to say to you? Please tell me what I have done wrong so that I may correct it. Instead of saying to you, "Girl, you are the most perfect creature God has ever created," perhaps you would have been more turned on had I said to you, "Woman, I want to love you until the end of all time."

Your feedback is very important. Please help me to help you.

As I recall it, you were in the throes of bliss as we made love in the cascading water of my apartment shower, when we kissed in the canoe in the park, and when we walked hand in hand through the city. How is it that you could have participated in these same experiences and not look back on them with the same fondness as me? Say it ain't so, girl. Say you still want me to be your man.

I would like to thank God for giving me the strength to write this week's column.

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