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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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Baby, Don't Go

Baby, we were so close to reuniting. I beg you not to leave me now.

Do none of the magic moments we shared mean anything to you now? What about the time I took you to the movies, then out to dinner, then treated you to a night of love-making and sensual pleasures no man or woman had ever attained before in the history of time? We were locked in a passionate embrace all night long, rolling in my satin sheets and listening to the sweet sounds of Tony Toni Toné. The next morning, I made eggs, ham and toast, and even provided extra butter and jellied preserves for you. There were also grapes available. I paid particular attention to the silver serving tray, offering with it a freshly picked red rose and a cloth napkin. Is that not a special memory to you like it is to me?

Girl. Don't make it like that.

That was the finest cloth napkin regionally available. Was it not good enough for you? Would you have me search the world over for a softer or more expensive cloth napkin that would be more to your liking? I will do so, if you would only ask. I will go to the ends of China to search out only the best for you. If you did not like the grapes, give me a chance to purchase a better selection. If I must, I will go to France to procure finer grapes for you.

What about the time I serenaded you in the rain? It was cold and late at night, but I did not care. I sang from the heart. You let me into your apartment and we made sweet love all night long. I touched your body in a sexy manner and moved very slowly, starting from your lower leg, up to your upper-thigh region and onto your abdomen, remaining steady the whole way.

It was when I reached your inner thigh that you were driven wild. You were driven to levels of ecstasy that have been unheard of since the days of Ancient Egypt, the time of Pharaohs and romance.

Damn, girl, simply going over these memories in my mind is making me want you even more. I want to take you right now, from behind.

Mm.

What about the time I washed you in the shower all morning? Were my soapy caresses not smooth or slow enough? Were my tender kisses not soft enough? Were my sweet words of love not whispered softly enough? Did I choose the wrong things to say to you? Please tell me what I have done wrong so that I may correct it. Instead of saying to you, "Girl, you are the most perfect creature God has ever created," perhaps you would have been more turned on had I said to you, "Woman, I want to love you until the end of all time."

Your feedback is very important. Please help me to help you.

As I recall it, you were in the throes of bliss as we made love in the cascading water of my apartment shower, when we kissed in the canoe in the park, and when we walked hand in hand through the city. How is it that you could have participated in these same experiences and not look back on them with the same fondness as me? Say it ain't so, girl. Say you still want me to be your man.

I would like to thank God for giving me the strength to write this week's column.

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