adBlockCheck

Baby, Don't Go

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Baby, Don't Go

Baby, we were so close to reuniting. I beg you not to leave me now.

Do none of the magic moments we shared mean anything to you now? What about the time I took you to the movies, then out to dinner, then treated you to a night of love-making and sensual pleasures no man or woman had ever attained before in the history of time? We were locked in a passionate embrace all night long, rolling in my satin sheets and listening to the sweet sounds of Tony Toni Toné. The next morning, I made eggs, ham and toast, and even provided extra butter and jellied preserves for you. There were also grapes available. I paid particular attention to the silver serving tray, offering with it a freshly picked red rose and a cloth napkin. Is that not a special memory to you like it is to me?

Girl. Don't make it like that.

That was the finest cloth napkin regionally available. Was it not good enough for you? Would you have me search the world over for a softer or more expensive cloth napkin that would be more to your liking? I will do so, if you would only ask. I will go to the ends of China to search out only the best for you. If you did not like the grapes, give me a chance to purchase a better selection. If I must, I will go to France to procure finer grapes for you.

What about the time I serenaded you in the rain? It was cold and late at night, but I did not care. I sang from the heart. You let me into your apartment and we made sweet love all night long. I touched your body in a sexy manner and moved very slowly, starting from your lower leg, up to your upper-thigh region and onto your abdomen, remaining steady the whole way.

It was when I reached your inner thigh that you were driven wild. You were driven to levels of ecstasy that have been unheard of since the days of Ancient Egypt, the time of Pharaohs and romance.

Damn, girl, simply going over these memories in my mind is making me want you even more. I want to take you right now, from behind.

Mm.

What about the time I washed you in the shower all morning? Were my soapy caresses not smooth or slow enough? Were my tender kisses not soft enough? Were my sweet words of love not whispered softly enough? Did I choose the wrong things to say to you? Please tell me what I have done wrong so that I may correct it. Instead of saying to you, "Girl, you are the most perfect creature God has ever created," perhaps you would have been more turned on had I said to you, "Woman, I want to love you until the end of all time."

Your feedback is very important. Please help me to help you.

As I recall it, you were in the throes of bliss as we made love in the cascading water of my apartment shower, when we kissed in the canoe in the park, and when we walked hand in hand through the city. How is it that you could have participated in these same experiences and not look back on them with the same fondness as me? Say it ain't so, girl. Say you still want me to be your man.

I would like to thank God for giving me the strength to write this week's column.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close