adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night.

Baby, don't leave me like this. Let Smoove B put some Klymaxx on the CD player and turn the lights down real low. I'll put on my crimson silk bathrobe. Let me slow dance with you and give you pleasure until the break of dawn. Whatever reason you may have for walking out that door, you'll forget about it once I start to shake you down.

Come back here, sweet thing. I'll set everything right. I'll profess my love to you. I'll get down on my knees. I'll take your hand in a very tender manner and whisper in your ear, "Baby, you mean everything to me. I can't live without you. I'll do whatever it takes to win your love."

I will then rub jasmine-scented massage oil on your feet. I will rub your feet hour after hour. I will also rub your legs. Then, I will draw an exotic bubble bath for you, with only the finest bath oils to rub into your soft, creamy skin. And I will stand by your side and hold your towel for as long as it takes for you to become soothed by the bath. I will stand until my feet are tired from standing, just to give you a moment of pleasure.

There will also be some candles in the bathroom.

Baby, here are just a few of the food items that you remind me of: luscious, chocolate pudding; ripe, red strawberries dipped in whipped cream; succulent, newly picked apricots.

For you, I would charter a special jet to France to purchase a rich, fluffy eclair from the finest eclair establishment in the south of France. I would deliver it to you at our dinner table on top of a silk pillow.

Aw, baby, I just want to get freaky with you right here on this hardwood floor. Right now.

Whatever I did, baby, I'm sorry. But it doesn't have to be like this. Don't leave. Did I say something wrong? If I did, I take it back. Sometimes I say things without thinking first, but I'm always thinking of you. Every corner of my mind is overcome with thoughts of you. There is no room for anything else, because the thought of you takes up all my brain. It's a total Love TKO.

Don't leave me, baby. I'll caress your hair.

Smoove B's weekly column is syndicated in 400 newspapers nationwide.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close