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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night.

Baby, don't leave me like this. Let Smoove B put some Klymaxx on the CD player and turn the lights down real low. I'll put on my crimson silk bathrobe. Let me slow dance with you and give you pleasure until the break of dawn. Whatever reason you may have for walking out that door, you'll forget about it once I start to shake you down.

Come back here, sweet thing. I'll set everything right. I'll profess my love to you. I'll get down on my knees. I'll take your hand in a very tender manner and whisper in your ear, "Baby, you mean everything to me. I can't live without you. I'll do whatever it takes to win your love."

I will then rub jasmine-scented massage oil on your feet. I will rub your feet hour after hour. I will also rub your legs. Then, I will draw an exotic bubble bath for you, with only the finest bath oils to rub into your soft, creamy skin. And I will stand by your side and hold your towel for as long as it takes for you to become soothed by the bath. I will stand until my feet are tired from standing, just to give you a moment of pleasure.

There will also be some candles in the bathroom.

Baby, here are just a few of the food items that you remind me of: luscious, chocolate pudding; ripe, red strawberries dipped in whipped cream; succulent, newly picked apricots.

For you, I would charter a special jet to France to purchase a rich, fluffy eclair from the finest eclair establishment in the south of France. I would deliver it to you at our dinner table on top of a silk pillow.

Aw, baby, I just want to get freaky with you right here on this hardwood floor. Right now.

Whatever I did, baby, I'm sorry. But it doesn't have to be like this. Don't leave. Did I say something wrong? If I did, I take it back. Sometimes I say things without thinking first, but I'm always thinking of you. Every corner of my mind is overcome with thoughts of you. There is no room for anything else, because the thought of you takes up all my brain. It's a total Love TKO.

Don't leave me, baby. I'll caress your hair.

Smoove B's weekly column is syndicated in 400 newspapers nationwide.

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