Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

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Vol 31 Issue 07

Ask A Salmon

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

Pile Of Crap Excites Publicist

NEW YORK—Thomas Hill, publicist for the Scarsdale & Loeb Group, expressed his excitement over a great big pile of crap Thursday. "I'm really excited about the marketing possibilities for this enormous heap of worthless crap," said Hill. "There's a lot of buzz in Hollywood about it. Confidentially, Paramount has expressed interest. I think crap is going to be big in '97, and this promises to be some of the best crap yet. It's really fresh and exciting stuff." Hill was paid $600 by the crap's agent for the minute-long remark.

Congress Orders Clerk To See If He Has Any In The Back

WASHINGTON, DC—Retail clerk Tony Bellarusso was ordered by the U.S. Congress Monday to see if he has any in the back. "See if you have any more in the back, would you?" said Rep. Daniel Gable (R-FL) as he slapped the store countertop angrily. If no more are in the back, Beltway insiders predict Congress will check that other place down on Massachusetts Avenue.

Dancing Costumed Midgets Celebrate Death Of Deng Xiaoping

MUNCHKINLAND, OZ—Elated Munchkins celebrated the release of their Chinese protectorate province Wednesday following the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping Sunday. "Deng, Deng, Xiaoping is dead," sang a choreographed crowd of whimsical, somersaulting dwarves upon hearing the announcement of Deng's death. Deng, 92, succumbed to pneumonia, a condition exacerbated by his being crushed under a falling house. The Lollipop Guild has officially begun an investigation into the whereabouts of the drab uniform shoes Deng was wearing upon his death.

My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great

You should see how many fucking teddy bears I have. I just can't get enough! Shit, last time I counted it was up to 150. I've got most of them in the bedroom, but I can hardly fit another goddamn thing in there, so I had to start putting them in the living room.

Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever since that magnolia-scented evening, a considerable number of young gentlemen have been paying call to the Zweibel Estate. With ukuleles, portable Victrolas and boxes of sweetmeats in tow, these cheeky swains hope to eventually win Cornelia's lovely hand, much to my great dismay.

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think?

Fat-Free on the Decline

After nealy a year of phenomenal slaes, fat-free food products are beginning to decline in popularity. Why aren't Americans buying fat-free items?
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Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night.

Baby, don't leave me like this. Let Smoove B put some Klymaxx on the CD player and turn the lights down real low. I'll put on my crimson silk bathrobe. Let me slow dance with you and give you pleasure until the break of dawn. Whatever reason you may have for walking out that door, you'll forget about it once I start to shake you down.

Come back here, sweet thing. I'll set everything right. I'll profess my love to you. I'll get down on my knees. I'll take your hand in a very tender manner and whisper in your ear, "Baby, you mean everything to me. I can't live without you. I'll do whatever it takes to win your love."

I will then rub jasmine-scented massage oil on your feet. I will rub your feet hour after hour. I will also rub your legs. Then, I will draw an exotic bubble bath for you, with only the finest bath oils to rub into your soft, creamy skin. And I will stand by your side and hold your towel for as long as it takes for you to become soothed by the bath. I will stand until my feet are tired from standing, just to give you a moment of pleasure.

There will also be some candles in the bathroom.

Baby, here are just a few of the food items that you remind me of: luscious, chocolate pudding; ripe, red strawberries dipped in whipped cream; succulent, newly picked apricots.

For you, I would charter a special jet to France to purchase a rich, fluffy eclair from the finest eclair establishment in the south of France. I would deliver it to you at our dinner table on top of a silk pillow.

Aw, baby, I just want to get freaky with you right here on this hardwood floor. Right now.

Whatever I did, baby, I'm sorry. But it doesn't have to be like this. Don't leave. Did I say something wrong? If I did, I take it back. Sometimes I say things without thinking first, but I'm always thinking of you. Every corner of my mind is overcome with thoughts of you. There is no room for anything else, because the thought of you takes up all my brain. It's a total Love TKO.

Don't leave me, baby. I'll caress your hair.

Smoove B's weekly column is syndicated in 400 newspapers nationwide.

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