Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

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Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
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Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

Baby, my world has been so cold since you left me standing there in the rain. You were everything to me, girl. I still can't believe that you left me. I was your man. I was real with you.

Damn.

Girl, ever since you walked out that door, I lie awake at night in my large, circular canopy bed. And every night, I pick up the phone and dial your number. But you never answer.

Sometimes I cry out, "Baby, please pick up that phone," in the hopes that you will hear me and pick up the phone. But since you still have not picked up the phone, I have decided to write to you in my newspaper column. Surely, this will reach your heart.

All I want to say to you is, baby, I'm sorry. Smoove B never meant to do you like that. You were the only woman who made a difference in my world. You were my one true girl.

If you would just pick up that phone, I know I could make everything all right. I would remind you that Smoove B can keep you satisfied all through the night. I can be the man of your dreams, if you would only come back and give me the chance.

If you take me back, I swear I would be the best lover you have ever had. I can take you to the next level.

I would take you to the finest hotel in the city and order room service for us. We would dine on the finest crab and a side order of carrots, or some such vegetable, cooked to perfection. We would feed each other in the most romantic fashion. We would eat ice cream topped with hot fudge, and perhaps sprinkles.

In addition, we would laugh and have tender moments together.

After eating, I would massage you with scented oils from the Orient. I would reduce your beautiful body to jelly. You would be so relaxed that nothing else would matter except you and me, and the love we share. And we would ride together on a caravan of love all night long.

Did I mention that we would be listening to Jodeci on the CD player? We would be. I guarantee it.

You are my sugar, woman. Climb up on my saddle, and give it to me good. Ride my pony until you can't ride no more.

Girl, if you would just pick up the phone and give me the chance to express to you how I feel, I know you would come back into my life. I would tell you that you are more important to me than the stars in the sky. You would not believe the places I would touch you if you would just be my girl once more.

Aw, baby, I'm down on my knees. Please come back to me. Come back to me so that I can make you the happiest woman in the entire world.

If you just pick up the phone, I would tell you that I want to give you nothing but pleasure all through the night. I would take you to a level you have never been to before--not with any man, not even with Darnell.

I will loan you money also, if you need any.

I want to be your man. Answer the phone, and I will prove my love for you.

Let me freak you.

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