adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

Baby, my world has been so cold since you left me standing there in the rain. You were everything to me, girl. I still can't believe that you left me. I was your man. I was real with you.

Damn.

Girl, ever since you walked out that door, I lie awake at night in my large, circular canopy bed. And every night, I pick up the phone and dial your number. But you never answer.

Sometimes I cry out, "Baby, please pick up that phone," in the hopes that you will hear me and pick up the phone. But since you still have not picked up the phone, I have decided to write to you in my newspaper column. Surely, this will reach your heart.

All I want to say to you is, baby, I'm sorry. Smoove B never meant to do you like that. You were the only woman who made a difference in my world. You were my one true girl.

If you would just pick up that phone, I know I could make everything all right. I would remind you that Smoove B can keep you satisfied all through the night. I can be the man of your dreams, if you would only come back and give me the chance.

If you take me back, I swear I would be the best lover you have ever had. I can take you to the next level.

I would take you to the finest hotel in the city and order room service for us. We would dine on the finest crab and a side order of carrots, or some such vegetable, cooked to perfection. We would feed each other in the most romantic fashion. We would eat ice cream topped with hot fudge, and perhaps sprinkles.

In addition, we would laugh and have tender moments together.

After eating, I would massage you with scented oils from the Orient. I would reduce your beautiful body to jelly. You would be so relaxed that nothing else would matter except you and me, and the love we share. And we would ride together on a caravan of love all night long.

Did I mention that we would be listening to Jodeci on the CD player? We would be. I guarantee it.

You are my sugar, woman. Climb up on my saddle, and give it to me good. Ride my pony until you can't ride no more.

Girl, if you would just pick up the phone and give me the chance to express to you how I feel, I know you would come back into my life. I would tell you that you are more important to me than the stars in the sky. You would not believe the places I would touch you if you would just be my girl once more.

Aw, baby, I'm down on my knees. Please come back to me. Come back to me so that I can make you the happiest woman in the entire world.

If you just pick up the phone, I would tell you that I want to give you nothing but pleasure all through the night. I would take you to a level you have never been to before--not with any man, not even with Darnell.

I will loan you money also, if you need any.

I want to be your man. Answer the phone, and I will prove my love for you.

Let me freak you.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close