Baby's First Zweibelmas

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Vol 36 Issue 33

Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

LOS ANGELES–An unidentified woman in her early 20s emerged from a large, backlit swimming pool at approximately one-third normal speed Monday. According to witnesses, the woman, accompanied by sultry saxophone music, began emerging from the pool at sunset with incandescent pool lights highlighting the droplets of water running down her lithe frame. Upon exiting, the woman reportedly closed her eyes and slowly leaned her head back in preparation for toweling-off procedures.

Everything You Worked So Hard For Lying in Splinters At Your Feet

DURHAM, NC–According to a Duke University report released Monday, all of your hopes and dreams are no more than splinters at your feet, swept away by the uncaring wind. "All that you labored to make a reality, all that you saved and sacrificed for, these are but ashes and dust," said Duke sociologist Dr. Edgar Pratt following the collapse. "Not even history will remember these toils and endeavors, for the world never knew nor cared to know of the struggle behind them."

New Hyundai Owner Sort Of Brags About it To Co-Workers

LODI, OH–Days after buying a brand-new 2001 Hyundai Excel, accountant Dale Grich kind of half-lorded the acquisition over his moderately impressed coworkers Monday. "If we're going to Chi-Chi's, I can fit three of us," said Grich during discussion of a lunch outing. "Got the new Hyundai and all." Upon laying eyes upon the reliable, sensibly priced vehicle, co-worker Al Arnot emitted a low, descending whistle to indicate his being semi-wowed.

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

Media Suffering Through Record Normal Temperatures

KNOXVILLE, TN–Across the U.S., the news media are coping with another week of cripplingly typical temperatures. "It's awful," said Jim Moore, editor of The Knoxville News-Sentinel. "We'd love to run a good lead like 'Dozens Dead In Brutal Heat Wave,' but the temperatures have left us with nothing." Tom Pierre, news director of Fox affiliate KABB-TV in San Antonio, was equally distraught. "Yesterday, it was a pleasant 73 degrees," Pierre said. "How is a 92-year-old widow supposed to tragically perish in an unventilated tenement apartment with weather like that?"

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not The Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer

Well, I see by the TV that the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer has struck again. Apparently, this time, he used a spin-casting technique to lay a treble-hook muskie lure right across the path of Brent Parks, a waterskiing tourist from down Illinois way. Ripped the poor feller's throat right open, they say, before the 50-pound test line drug him under. Funny thing is, they found Parks less than a half mile from my shack on Fence Lake, just like all the others. I say it's almost certainly a coincidence, though: I'm almost positive I'm not the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer.

Bobby Knight Through The Years

Fired Sept. 10, Bobby Knight has been involved in his share of incidents during his 30 years as Indiana University basketball coach. Among the highlights:

Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?

My Moroccan Neighbors Won't Stop Their Damn Ululating

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Last week, the moving van pulls up to the Petersens' old house and--yup, you guessed it--a bunch of Moroccans move in. I haven't even met the Aatabous yet, but already I can't stand them: All night long, they won't stop with their damn ululating!
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Baby's First Zweibelmas

Rare it is that I call upon my ignorant reader-ship to rejoice and be merry, but I am afraid that just such an occasion is almost upon us. Zweibelmas is here! Turn your filthy rags colored-side out! Clash your chains together in the most musical manner possible! Please to put the pennies in the Swiss Guard's hats! Sept. 21 brings the annual celebration of all things Zweibel, and this year shall be a Zweibelmas to remember!

Certainly it was one god-damned pig-fucker of a year! The readers of The Onion news-paper demanded my execution at the hands of the editorial board. I suffered through many strange experiences, such as being transformed into a cock-roach, watching helplessly as my grand-son eloped with a Papist, and coping with the passing of my beloved pet Galapagos tortoise, Cap'n Clyde. And I won't even go into my intrepid yet ultimately fruit-less hunt for the storied white whale of the briny-deep!

Worst of all, my lovely bride-to-be, Miss Bernadette Fiske, expired in a fit of extreme womanliness while on her way to wed me. But, in a touching coda to her short and dainty life, she left me my beautiful son N. Aeschylus.

And this Zweibelmas shall be my dear, dear son N. Aeschylus' first! Already, in the best Nine Days Of Zweibelmas tradition, I have given him a set of one thousand German tin soldiers and a brass mechanical-bank in the playful and winsome shape of John Jacob Astor. The look on N. Aeschylus' great squarish face as he bludgeoned open the shipping-crates was one of sheer delight! He ate them with great relish, along with two of the servants assigned to carry the pallets.

I told N. Aeschylus the story of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, a sprite believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant-twin Y. Josiah, who arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum each Zweibelmas Eve to deliver toys and candy to my-self and other parties I deem worthy! Across N. Aeschylus' countenance came the greedy expression which all Zweibels share on this holiday. Huzzah! Not yet one year old, and he has grasped the true meaning of the holiday!

As I write this by the warm light of the fire, N. Aeschylus prepares for the arrival of the Zweibel-child. Already he has assembled the most darling traps, Zeppelin-catchers, and net-works to welcome the holy apparition! If I know children, he will never be able to stay awake long enough. Ah, youth!

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