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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Baby's First Zweibelmas

Rare it is that I call upon my ignorant reader-ship to rejoice and be merry, but I am afraid that just such an occasion is almost upon us. Zweibelmas is here! Turn your filthy rags colored-side out! Clash your chains together in the most musical manner possible! Please to put the pennies in the Swiss Guard's hats! Sept. 21 brings the annual celebration of all things Zweibel, and this year shall be a Zweibelmas to remember!

Certainly it was one god-damned pig-fucker of a year! The readers of The Onion news-paper demanded my execution at the hands of the editorial board. I suffered through many strange experiences, such as being transformed into a cock-roach, watching helplessly as my grand-son eloped with a Papist, and coping with the passing of my beloved pet Galapagos tortoise, Cap'n Clyde. And I won't even go into my intrepid yet ultimately fruit-less hunt for the storied white whale of the briny-deep!

Worst of all, my lovely bride-to-be, Miss Bernadette Fiske, expired in a fit of extreme womanliness while on her way to wed me. But, in a touching coda to her short and dainty life, she left me my beautiful son N. Aeschylus.

And this Zweibelmas shall be my dear, dear son N. Aeschylus' first! Already, in the best Nine Days Of Zweibelmas tradition, I have given him a set of one thousand German tin soldiers and a brass mechanical-bank in the playful and winsome shape of John Jacob Astor. The look on N. Aeschylus' great squarish face as he bludgeoned open the shipping-crates was one of sheer delight! He ate them with great relish, along with two of the servants assigned to carry the pallets.

I told N. Aeschylus the story of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, a sprite believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant-twin Y. Josiah, who arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum each Zweibelmas Eve to deliver toys and candy to my-self and other parties I deem worthy! Across N. Aeschylus' countenance came the greedy expression which all Zweibels share on this holiday. Huzzah! Not yet one year old, and he has grasped the true meaning of the holiday!

As I write this by the warm light of the fire, N. Aeschylus prepares for the arrival of the Zweibel-child. Already he has assembled the most darling traps, Zeppelin-catchers, and net-works to welcome the holy apparition! If I know children, he will never be able to stay awake long enough. Ah, youth!

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