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Back In The Driver's Seat

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Back In The Driver's Seat

Hola, amigos. Who's your daddy? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been no end of troubles in Anchower Town.

I did finally get my cast off—and just in time. My whole place was starting to smell like a raccoon had died in the wall. Not like I'm the tidiest guy in the world, but even I know when it's time to pick the sausage and pepperoni slices up off the floor. I borrowed a shop vac and sucked up everything that wasn't nailed down. I know someday I'm gonna wish I had those pennies that got vacuumed up, but I just couldn't bring myself to dig them out of the dirt this time.

After cleaning the place, I went out to take care of the important business of taking my Ford Festiva for its first drive in months. Man, when I couldn't drive, I felt like I'd lost a leg. In a way, I guess I had, since it was broken and all. Really, it was more like my nuts fell off for two months. But suddenly, it was just me and my ride, and like the song goes, it felt like the first time.

First, I took all the parking tickets off the windshield, then I unlocked the door. It was a little sticky, but that was to be expected. I got behind the wheel and just sat there, cherishing the moment. It was gonna rule. I caught my eyes in the rear-view, and I thought, you know, all in all, everything's been pretty sweet this year. I lost my job and broke my leg, but I got some awesome worker's comp. I got in a fight with that dude at the car-rental place, but fuck it. I slid the key in the ignition and gave it a turn, but sitting there for all that time must have drained the car's battery. I gave it another try, and sure enough: nothing.

I'd waited two months for this moment, so I sure as hell didn't want to wait another hour for someone to come over and give me a jump. I was parked a quarter of the way down a quiet block, and the street was straight and flat with a little downhill stretch at the end. It was perfect for a one-man pop-start.

Now, if you've never pop-started a car, you're a huge pussy. And that goes double if you've got an automatic transmission. Thing is, I know you won't stop reading, so I'm gonna lay it down. You put your transmission in neutral, then get out and push the car. You don't have to go super fast, but you should be trotting. Once the car's rolling at a good speed, jump in really fast, put it in first gear, and pop the clutch. When the engine catches, put the clutch back in real fast, gun the gas, and you're good to go. It's easier to do with an old car, and something with a V6 engine is your best bet: It starts faster, and you can totally get a feel for it.

It's even easier to pop-start a car if you have a second person on hand to do the pushing. I wasn't so lucky. I thought about asking a neighbor to give me a hand, but I don't like talking to people. So I did the only thing I could do: I shifted the car into neutral and gave it a shove.

Pushing a car on your own isn't easy. I couldn't get shit for leverage, because I had to lean in and steer at the same time. Plus, my leg was still a little gimpy. Pushing the car out of a parking spot first made the process even more of a bitch. I had to stop a few times to let cars go by, which really pissed me off, but I finally got out into the middle of the street and ready to roll.

I started off on my good leg, since I needed to get up enough speed to start the car by the stop sign at the end of the block. I made it maybe 15 feet before I slipped and almost fell on my face. It didn't hurt or anything, but I lost some ground. That didn't stop me, though. I was determined to drive that car. Even if I hadn't been determined, there was no stopping now, because someone behind me was laying on his horn. If I hadn't needed my strength, I would've wrapped that horn around his head. Instead, I kept pushing.

I was only about 30 feet from the part of the street that started downhill, so I kept telling myself it was just a little bit longer. That bit before you build up momentum is rough, though. The first five feet feel like you're knee-deep in tar, but then it gets a little easier. By the time I reached the hill, I was almost up to speed.

At the end of the block, I jumped in and popped the clutch. Sure enough, the engine caught and started purring. Everything would've been cool, except right as I was sailing through the intersection, I felt something ram into my passenger side. I was so focused on pushing and the car behind me that I didn't even notice a Hummer coming. As the dick who had been honking squeezed around the accident and drove off, I could see him laughing. If I ever see that guy again, he's getting dropped.

The Hummer was going slow, but it still did a number on my car. The door was all messed up, the passenger window was busted, and the side mirror was clipped. It sucked, but at least there wasn't any serious damage to the frame or engine. The Hummer driver climbed out cussing, but he calmed down as soon as he saw there wasn't a scratch on his ride. He ended up being pretty cool. Once we figured out that my car was the only one that got fucked up, we agreed we didn't need to call the cops. Then he got his Hummer up behind my car and pushed me so I could pop-start.

I drove around for about an hour, which was about all the gas I had left. It was like a dream. It wasn't enough to charge the battery, though. When I tried to start the car again, it didn't even click, let alone turn over. So I got a dead battery—I hope. Otherwise it's the alternator, and that'd be 200 bucks to fix. Mind you, this isn't my dream car, but it's a good little ride. Anyway, for now, I'm gonna have to pop-start and freeze my ass off driving around with a garbage bag taped over the window frame. I wouldn't even worry about it, but I'm gonna need a reliable ride to get to work, as soon as I get a job. Maybe I could get one of those work-from-home jobs that I see advertised on flyers all the time. You can make some serious cash doing those. It'd be cool to be able to save up for something nice, like a nice ride—something I could be proud of. Shit. A little pride's not too much to ask for, is it?

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