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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Bakelite! Substance Of The Future!

Yesterday, I asked my man-servant Standish to bring forth the telephone-device, so that I could give my idiot spendthrift son G. Braintree a stern dressing-down.

After I was through with my call, I noticed that the telephone-device itself was unlike the ones to which I was accustomed. Instead of the usual brass mouth-piece and stained wooden-box exterior, this specimen was black and had an oddly smooth texture, as though carved from a block of soap, but harder and more durable. "What is this telephone-device made of, Standish?" I asked. "Basalt?"

Standish replied that it was made of a substance known as Bakelite, which could be fired and molded into multitudinous objects. "We often use containers made of Bakelite, or a kindred substance, to store various perishable food-stuffs in the larder," he explained.

I had never heard of anything so foolish in my life. When I was a lad, when we wanted to seal something such as flour or corn-meal, we'd go down to the river, cut down numerous birch trees, hollow them out, coat the insides with pitch, let them dry, and fill them with the aforementioned staples. True, this process took several weeks, but it was a time-honored system, and it was good enough for us!

Standish went on to describe the various other uses people have found for Bakelite, including ladies' combs, cigarette-holders, wireless-radios, planters and fountain-pen cases, but I would have none of it. What is wrong with using elephant ivory and pig iron for these trifles? What's more, Standish said Bakelite was invented by a dirty Belgian! Well, that did it for me. Death to Bakelite, I said!

I told Standish I would rather talk on my late wife's embarrassingly dainty Blue Delft porcelain telephone-device than use this wretched Bakelite model, and that he should cast it and all other Bakelite-hewn items in the estate upon the rubbish-heap. "But sir, if I may be so bold," Standish replied, "the Zweibel family has massive holdings in the plastics industry. It's the only investment in the Zweibel portfolio that has consistently made money for the past 60 years!"

Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of Progress. Huzzah to Bakelite, substance of the future! I implore all citizens to purchase all the Bakelite they can squeeze into their modest homes.

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