Bakelite! Substance Of The Future!

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Bakelite! Substance Of The Future!

Yesterday, I asked my man-servant Standish to bring forth the telephone-device, so that I could give my idiot spendthrift son G. Braintree a stern dressing-down.

After I was through with my call, I noticed that the telephone-device itself was unlike the ones to which I was accustomed. Instead of the usual brass mouth-piece and stained wooden-box exterior, this specimen was black and had an oddly smooth texture, as though carved from a block of soap, but harder and more durable. "What is this telephone-device made of, Standish?" I asked. "Basalt?"

Standish replied that it was made of a substance known as Bakelite, which could be fired and molded into multitudinous objects. "We often use containers made of Bakelite, or a kindred substance, to store various perishable food-stuffs in the larder," he explained.

I had never heard of anything so foolish in my life. When I was a lad, when we wanted to seal something such as flour or corn-meal, we'd go down to the river, cut down numerous birch trees, hollow them out, coat the insides with pitch, let them dry, and fill them with the aforementioned staples. True, this process took several weeks, but it was a time-honored system, and it was good enough for us!

Standish went on to describe the various other uses people have found for Bakelite, including ladies' combs, cigarette-holders, wireless-radios, planters and fountain-pen cases, but I would have none of it. What is wrong with using elephant ivory and pig iron for these trifles? What's more, Standish said Bakelite was invented by a dirty Belgian! Well, that did it for me. Death to Bakelite, I said!

I told Standish I would rather talk on my late wife's embarrassingly dainty Blue Delft porcelain telephone-device than use this wretched Bakelite model, and that he should cast it and all other Bakelite-hewn items in the estate upon the rubbish-heap. "But sir, if I may be so bold," Standish replied, "the Zweibel family has massive holdings in the plastics industry. It's the only investment in the Zweibel portfolio that has consistently made money for the past 60 years!"

Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of Progress. Huzzah to Bakelite, substance of the future! I implore all citizens to purchase all the Bakelite they can squeeze into their modest homes.