Barryploegel.com Will Never Be Accused Of Having Too Little Information About Barry Ploegel

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Vol 36 Issue 17

Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

CHANDLER, AZ–Cashier Wendy Kile, 20, allowed a blatant case of line-cutting to go unpunished Monday at the Billings Road Safeway. "I was waiting in line when this smart-aleck teen walked right in front of me," said shopper Ida Sims, 43. "I complained to the check-out girl, but she just said, 'I honestly don't care who I take next.' What kind of answer is that?" If Safeway authorities do not punish Kile for failing to preserve the integrity of her line, Sims said she will gladly take her business to the IGA on Brook Street.

Congress Votes To Intervene In Local Wedding

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Senate voted 64-30 Monday to obstruct next Sunday's marriage of Phoenix's Todd Wexler and Marisa Park. "It is clear to this legislative body that Mr. Wexler is a total jerk," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) following Monday's vote. "Miss Park can do a lot better." Federal agents will be posted outside the wedding chapel with orders to step in if any vow-taking occurs.

Man Paid More Than Enough To Put Up With This Shit

NEW YORK–Porter Novelli public-relations executive Randy Schad, who works directly under megalomaniacal bastard Rich Frankel, is earning more than enough to put up with Frankel's unbelievable shit, the 25-year-old reported Monday. "Normally, I'm not the type of person who'd put up with the kind of shit I take daily from Mr. Frankel," Schad said, "but my six-figure salary and unbelievable benefits package more than make up for it." Schad said he'll probably only have to put up with Frankel's shit for another year or two, at which point he will receive a promotion and be able to dish out some shit of his own.

Civil Unrest In Sierra Leone Concerns NPR Listener

HANOVER, NH–A National Public Radio report on a rebel insurrection in the West African nation of Sierra Leone deeply concerned Hanover-area listener Jim Ellenson Monday. "Apparently, the Sankoh-led Revolutionary United Front rebels are rapidly advancing on Freetown," said Ellenson, listening to NPR while leafing through the latest issue of The Nation. "Hopefully, the U.N. peacekeepers will be able to limit the movement of the RUF in the interior near Masiaka." Ellenson said he plans to stay tuned to NPR for the latest on the crisis.

Diet Candy's Aftertaste Experienced 12 Years Later

PIKESVILLE, MD–The aftertaste of a sugar-free, strawberry-flavored hard candy eaten by Stephanie Wickes in 1988 was detected Monday by the 38-year-old Pikesville resident. "I was on my way to pick up the kids from school when, out of nowhere, I suddenly got this really nasty taste in my mouth," Wickes said. "For the longest time, I couldn't place it. But then I finally remembered: It was that gross diet candy that Annette Brinkworth, this woman I worked with about 12 years ago, offered me once." Wickes said she was pretty sure Brinkworth got the candy from her dentist.

The Friends Stand-Off

The six Friends starts are threatening to quit he show if each does not receive $1 million per episode. What else are they demanding?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Barryploegel.com Will Never Be Accused Of Having Too Little Information About Barry Ploegel

Well, it's been a long, grueling weekend of HTML coding, but at long last, www.barryploegel.com is finally ready for its auspicious launch. In a scant matter of hours, Barry Ploegel will no longer be solely a carbon-based, off-line property. That's right: Barry Ploegel is poised to take the leap into cyberspace!

The purpose of barryploegel.com shall be twofold: First, it shall enable anyone to access all the information they desire about me at the touch of a button. Second, upon my death, the site shall serve as a monument to all that I was. Future historians need not wonder who this enigmatic "Barry Ploegel" fellow was. They need only access my site to find an abundance of photos of me, a selection of MIDI Music that I composed, and excerpts from my very own Babylon 5 fan fiction.

And no one, be they the common man or the loftiest scholar, shall accuse my site of lacking Barry Ploegel info. Oh, the treasures which the curious shall find! A complete rundown of the pets I have owned! A list of my favorite Sam Raimi movies! I am even developing plans to place a picture of myself and my girlfriend on the page. That plan is currently in the reading-the-personal-ads stage.

No matter what interest of mine you're interested in, barryploegel.com is sure to have it. For the lover of my love of fantasy art, there will be scans of Boris Vallejo and Frank Frazetta paintings. For the lover of my love of FPS games, there will be tips on titles ranging from Half-Life to Unreal Tournament. And should you desire a little adventure of your own, treat yourself to a downloadable Quake III mod that enables you to play the game as Darth Maul!

Weary from your long cyberstroll? Why not pause to sign the guest book? I'd love to hear what you think of the site. After all, your enjoyment is my number-one priority. That's why I registered the domain name barryploegel.com rather than setting up my site through GeoCities. Sure, GeoCities would have been cheaper, but who needs all those ads and pop-up windows? Certainly not you. At barryploegel.com, nothing stands between you and the wonderful world of Barry Ploegel.

There are other services my web site shall offer, as well. Suppose someone has forgotten the address of one of my favorite sites, like pythonline.com, tmbg.com, or theforce.net. Simply go to barryploegel.com, and they'll all be right there in one place! As I collect links to other great web sites, I eventually hope to make my site a kind of universal portal to all of the best destinations on the net.

But, of course, the focus of the site will always be the enigma that is Barry Ploegel. As goes my life, so shall go my site. All of my many triumphs and tragedies will be inscribed in the dark-blue, Helvetica-fonted characters that leap off the site's black background. Like the many characters from mythology who can be summoned simply by shouting their names, I will be similarly accessible by entering my name in the browser window.

One hundred years from now, after I've departed this mortal coil, my great-grandchildren will no doubt wonder who this ancestor of theirs was, what he believed in, with whom he hung out on weekends. All they'll need to do is type in my name and they shall have their answer. They will know that long ago, the patriarch of their proud clan played trombone and was a huge fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Barry Ploegel shall live on forever.

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