Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Recently, I told my man-servant Standish of the horrific event and how lucky I was to emerge from it unmolested. Standish said I should not have felt any fear, for the yellow ostrich-monster was but an image, and did not actually exist in physical form. He said that the image was relayed to the metal box by a process kindred to the manner in which moving-daguerreotypes are created, and added that the enormous canary-beast was not an animal at all, but a sort of puppet featured with many other puppets upon the metal box.

Puppets! T. Herman Zweibel set a-fright by mere puppetry! The infamy! I told Standish that I wished to meet with several of these puppet bastards, so that I may tell them that I am not afraid of them, and that they should not put on airs, for I am their better in society. Standish's brow furrowed at my words, but I told him to set to it without delay.

Later that evening, I was carried down to my private amusement annex, where a small theatre had been set up. The little curtain was raised, and two puppets emerged. "Now listen here, you jackanapes," I shouted, "enough of this horse-play. I resent this churlish treatment to which I have been grievously subjected, and demand immediate apologies from you and your kin."

But they did not respond, proceeding to punish one another with sticks, which they grasped in their little hands. At first I thought this was another display of their hateful impudence, but I soon realized that this was likely their way to atone for their prior misbehavior, a sort of self-flagellation, if you will.

Be that as it may, I still hold that puppets are a beastly kind, and have no deserving place in polite society.