Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

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City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Recently, I told my man-servant Standish of the horrific event and how lucky I was to emerge from it unmolested. Standish said I should not have felt any fear, for the yellow ostrich-monster was but an image, and did not actually exist in physical form. He said that the image was relayed to the metal box by a process kindred to the manner in which moving-daguerreotypes are created, and added that the enormous canary-beast was not an animal at all, but a sort of puppet featured with many other puppets upon the metal box.

Puppets! T. Herman Zweibel set a-fright by mere puppetry! The infamy! I told Standish that I wished to meet with several of these puppet bastards, so that I may tell them that I am not afraid of them, and that they should not put on airs, for I am their better in society. Standish's brow furrowed at my words, but I told him to set to it without delay.

Later that evening, I was carried down to my private amusement annex, where a small theatre had been set up. The little curtain was raised, and two puppets emerged. "Now listen here, you jackanapes," I shouted, "enough of this horse-play. I resent this churlish treatment to which I have been grievously subjected, and demand immediate apologies from you and your kin."

But they did not respond, proceeding to punish one another with sticks, which they grasped in their little hands. At first I thought this was another display of their hateful impudence, but I soon realized that this was likely their way to atone for their prior misbehavior, a sort of self-flagellation, if you will.

Be that as it may, I still hold that puppets are a beastly kind, and have no deserving place in polite society.