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Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Recently, I told my man-servant Standish of the horrific event and how lucky I was to emerge from it unmolested. Standish said I should not have felt any fear, for the yellow ostrich-monster was but an image, and did not actually exist in physical form. He said that the image was relayed to the metal box by a process kindred to the manner in which moving-daguerreotypes are created, and added that the enormous canary-beast was not an animal at all, but a sort of puppet featured with many other puppets upon the metal box.

Puppets! T. Herman Zweibel set a-fright by mere puppetry! The infamy! I told Standish that I wished to meet with several of these puppet bastards, so that I may tell them that I am not afraid of them, and that they should not put on airs, for I am their better in society. Standish's brow furrowed at my words, but I told him to set to it without delay.

Later that evening, I was carried down to my private amusement annex, where a small theatre had been set up. The little curtain was raised, and two puppets emerged. "Now listen here, you jackanapes," I shouted, "enough of this horse-play. I resent this churlish treatment to which I have been grievously subjected, and demand immediate apologies from you and your kin."

But they did not respond, proceeding to punish one another with sticks, which they grasped in their little hands. At first I thought this was another display of their hateful impudence, but I soon realized that this was likely their way to atone for their prior misbehavior, a sort of self-flagellation, if you will.

Be that as it may, I still hold that puppets are a beastly kind, and have no deserving place in polite society.

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