adBlockCheck

Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever

For the past eight years, it has been my distinct pleasure to serve as head of the Roman Catholic Church. Spreading the message of the Bible around the world and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. Honestly, I had a ball. But at some point, you just have to face the facts and realize that you can’t play make-believe forever.

Hey, everyone has to grow up eventually—it’s just a part of life. And several weeks ago, I decided it was time for me to finally move on and put all this pretend, fantasy stuff behind me.

Don’t get me wrong, serving as pope was loads of fun. For starters, as pontiff you’re always treated very well, you get to live in a palace, and millions of adoring people gather to hear you tell all sorts of silly old stories about a super-powerful being and other made-up nonsense about everlasting life in paradise. It’s enjoyable, it’s not particularly difficult, and you can say whatever you want. It really is a fun gig. You basically get to come into work and act like a little kid playing pretend.

Over the past couple of years, though, I have to admit the daily routine of telling followers that a guy who’s been dead for 2,000 years legitimately loves them and wants them to be happy started to grow a little old. Seriously, how long can you really go around scaring people with stories of a spooky devil that’s out to get them? As fun as that stuff is, it’s also pretty silly, and after a while it’s like, “Okay, time to come back down to reality and stop messing around in fairy land.”

I guess I just woke up one day and realized I’m 85 years old and I’m still putting on a little costume and hat and making a fool of myself in front of thousands of people. It’s time to be a grown-up, you know? Heck, I actually told people that if they really wanted something, all they had to do was clasp their hands together and ask an invisible force for it and it would deliver.

You know, kids’ stuff like that. The kind of stuff a 5-year-old would say.

When I sit down and actually think about the things I did all the time as pope, it’s kind of embarrassing. I made people tell me all the details of the things they’ve done wrong. I moved my arms through the air and claimed that people had been blessed because of it. And get this—a couple weeks ago, I literally dipped my fingers in ashes and smeared it on people’s foreheads and told them they would live forever. How messed up is that? That’s just not what a mature, functional adult does.

All the people who follow me need to realize this, too. They can’t just live in this make-believe world forever. All the ridiculous water-dunking, adopting saints’ names, and formally devoting yourself to an unseen being—that stuff’s okay for little kids, maybe, but all the adults out there, come on, enough’s enough. Time to move up to the big kids’ table, you know?

The sad thing is that some people cling to this candyland their whole lives. John Paul II, for instance, actually believed in Easter to the very end. Christ, talk about a Peter Pan complex. The guy refused to grow up. It’s pretty pathetic, when you think about it.

And that’s why I’m stepping down. As much as I love all the silly stuff I got to do—and it definitely was a ton of fun—the time has definitely come for me to put all that religion mumbo-jumbo behind me and embrace reality like an actual grown-up.

Farewell, brothers and sisters. And God bless you—oh, whoops, sorry. Force of habit.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close