adBlockCheck

Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever

For the past eight years, it has been my distinct pleasure to serve as head of the Roman Catholic Church. Spreading the message of the Bible around the world and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. Honestly, I had a ball. But at some point, you just have to face the facts and realize that you can’t play make-believe forever.

Hey, everyone has to grow up eventually—it’s just a part of life. And several weeks ago, I decided it was time for me to finally move on and put all this pretend, fantasy stuff behind me.

Don’t get me wrong, serving as pope was loads of fun. For starters, as pontiff you’re always treated very well, you get to live in a palace, and millions of adoring people gather to hear you tell all sorts of silly old stories about a super-powerful being and other made-up nonsense about everlasting life in paradise. It’s enjoyable, it’s not particularly difficult, and you can say whatever you want. It really is a fun gig. You basically get to come into work and act like a little kid playing pretend.

Over the past couple of years, though, I have to admit the daily routine of telling followers that a guy who’s been dead for 2,000 years legitimately loves them and wants them to be happy started to grow a little old. Seriously, how long can you really go around scaring people with stories of a spooky devil that’s out to get them? As fun as that stuff is, it’s also pretty silly, and after a while it’s like, “Okay, time to come back down to reality and stop messing around in fairy land.”

I guess I just woke up one day and realized I’m 85 years old and I’m still putting on a little costume and hat and making a fool of myself in front of thousands of people. It’s time to be a grown-up, you know? Heck, I actually told people that if they really wanted something, all they had to do was clasp their hands together and ask an invisible force for it and it would deliver.

You know, kids’ stuff like that. The kind of stuff a 5-year-old would say.

When I sit down and actually think about the things I did all the time as pope, it’s kind of embarrassing. I made people tell me all the details of the things they’ve done wrong. I moved my arms through the air and claimed that people had been blessed because of it. And get this—a couple weeks ago, I literally dipped my fingers in ashes and smeared it on people’s foreheads and told them they would live forever. How messed up is that? That’s just not what a mature, functional adult does.

All the people who follow me need to realize this, too. They can’t just live in this make-believe world forever. All the ridiculous water-dunking, adopting saints’ names, and formally devoting yourself to an unseen being—that stuff’s okay for little kids, maybe, but all the adults out there, come on, enough’s enough. Time to move up to the big kids’ table, you know?

The sad thing is that some people cling to this candyland their whole lives. John Paul II, for instance, actually believed in Easter to the very end. Christ, talk about a Peter Pan complex. The guy refused to grow up. It’s pretty pathetic, when you think about it.

And that’s why I’m stepping down. As much as I love all the silly stuff I got to do—and it definitely was a ton of fun—the time has definitely come for me to put all that religion mumbo-jumbo behind me and embrace reality like an actual grown-up.

Farewell, brothers and sisters. And God bless you—oh, whoops, sorry. Force of habit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close