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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be

When I found out that I had been unanimously elected mayor of Sucktown, I thought I'd won a front-row seat to the fuck-off parade. I imagined days filled with ribbon-cutting ceremonies and nights of gala balls. A year later, I wonder if I could've been any more naïve. Sure, I was ignorant of the duties involved in running a municipality, but I really thought being the mayor of Sucktown would be easier.

I believe it was after I attended my third meeting about putting a yield sign on the corner of Dorkus Boulevard and Dipwad Street that I said, "Note to self: City government isn't all shits and giggles." Since then, I've come to learn that being a public servant is both an honor and a curse. It's not as easy as being King Of Everyone. I have a lot of people's welfare to consider. After all, it's not like I'm not the star of The Vincent Tremanski Show.

I've learned that being a good mayor requires leaving my feelings at the Welcome To Sucktown sign. It would be a different story if Sucktown were "population: me." Far from it. I am Sucktown's mayor, and it is my duty as such to look out for everyone—from the young professionals of Snob Hill to the disenfranchised, working-class folks living on Poor Schmuck Lane.

Granted, my job would be easier if I weren't living in the shadow of former mayor Mr. Hot Shot. Now retired, Mr. Hot Shot single-handedly took this small, unincorporated shit-farming community and turned it into what it is today. While many thought Mr. Hot Shot would ride his fame and reputation into a bid for governor of the whole state of Jerkachusetts, he chose not to challenge Gov. Heywood Jablowmi. My next-door neighbor, Dr. Genius over there, tells me not to think so much about Mr. Hot Shot's accomplishments, but it's hard. I can't even get a glass of Cheap Ass Ale at Skanky's Tavern without someone chewing my ear off about how the old mayor's shit smells like roses.

While experience has certainly tempered my enthusiasm, I'm still confident that I can make Sucktown a better place. I love this town. Aside from the four years I spent getting a degree in wankology at Loser University (Go Loser U Wolverines!), I've lived in Sucktown my whole life. I know everything there is to know about this town, from the best place to eat (Chez Le Expensive) to the best way to view the Sucktown skyline (through your car's rearview mirror). There's so much to do here—from shopping at the Scam-a-lot Shopping Center to lounging on the sandy shores of Scum-atoga Lake—that I couldn't hate it if I tried.

The people of Sucktown have a lot to be proud of. After all, the Clue Phone was invented right here in our humble little burg. I guess I have to admit that, deep down, I love this job, and there's no way I'd trade it for a one-way ticket to Happyville.

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