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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be

When I found out that I had been unanimously elected mayor of Sucktown, I thought I'd won a front-row seat to the fuck-off parade. I imagined days filled with ribbon-cutting ceremonies and nights of gala balls. A year later, I wonder if I could've been any more naïve. Sure, I was ignorant of the duties involved in running a municipality, but I really thought being the mayor of Sucktown would be easier.

I believe it was after I attended my third meeting about putting a yield sign on the corner of Dorkus Boulevard and Dipwad Street that I said, "Note to self: City government isn't all shits and giggles." Since then, I've come to learn that being a public servant is both an honor and a curse. It's not as easy as being King Of Everyone. I have a lot of people's welfare to consider. After all, it's not like I'm not the star of The Vincent Tremanski Show.

I've learned that being a good mayor requires leaving my feelings at the Welcome To Sucktown sign. It would be a different story if Sucktown were "population: me." Far from it. I am Sucktown's mayor, and it is my duty as such to look out for everyone—from the young professionals of Snob Hill to the disenfranchised, working-class folks living on Poor Schmuck Lane.

Granted, my job would be easier if I weren't living in the shadow of former mayor Mr. Hot Shot. Now retired, Mr. Hot Shot single-handedly took this small, unincorporated shit-farming community and turned it into what it is today. While many thought Mr. Hot Shot would ride his fame and reputation into a bid for governor of the whole state of Jerkachusetts, he chose not to challenge Gov. Heywood Jablowmi. My next-door neighbor, Dr. Genius over there, tells me not to think so much about Mr. Hot Shot's accomplishments, but it's hard. I can't even get a glass of Cheap Ass Ale at Skanky's Tavern without someone chewing my ear off about how the old mayor's shit smells like roses.

While experience has certainly tempered my enthusiasm, I'm still confident that I can make Sucktown a better place. I love this town. Aside from the four years I spent getting a degree in wankology at Loser University (Go Loser U Wolverines!), I've lived in Sucktown my whole life. I know everything there is to know about this town, from the best place to eat (Chez Le Expensive) to the best way to view the Sucktown skyline (through your car's rearview mirror). There's so much to do here—from shopping at the Scam-a-lot Shopping Center to lounging on the sandy shores of Scum-atoga Lake—that I couldn't hate it if I tried.

The people of Sucktown have a lot to be proud of. After all, the Clue Phone was invented right here in our humble little burg. I guess I have to admit that, deep down, I love this job, and there's no way I'd trade it for a one-way ticket to Happyville.

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