adBlockCheck

Local

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be

When I found out that I had been unanimously elected mayor of Sucktown, I thought I'd won a front-row seat to the fuck-off parade. I imagined days filled with ribbon-cutting ceremonies and nights of gala balls. A year later, I wonder if I could've been any more naïve. Sure, I was ignorant of the duties involved in running a municipality, but I really thought being the mayor of Sucktown would be easier.

I believe it was after I attended my third meeting about putting a yield sign on the corner of Dorkus Boulevard and Dipwad Street that I said, "Note to self: City government isn't all shits and giggles." Since then, I've come to learn that being a public servant is both an honor and a curse. It's not as easy as being King Of Everyone. I have a lot of people's welfare to consider. After all, it's not like I'm not the star of The Vincent Tremanski Show.

I've learned that being a good mayor requires leaving my feelings at the Welcome To Sucktown sign. It would be a different story if Sucktown were "population: me." Far from it. I am Sucktown's mayor, and it is my duty as such to look out for everyone—from the young professionals of Snob Hill to the disenfranchised, working-class folks living on Poor Schmuck Lane.

Granted, my job would be easier if I weren't living in the shadow of former mayor Mr. Hot Shot. Now retired, Mr. Hot Shot single-handedly took this small, unincorporated shit-farming community and turned it into what it is today. While many thought Mr. Hot Shot would ride his fame and reputation into a bid for governor of the whole state of Jerkachusetts, he chose not to challenge Gov. Heywood Jablowmi. My next-door neighbor, Dr. Genius over there, tells me not to think so much about Mr. Hot Shot's accomplishments, but it's hard. I can't even get a glass of Cheap Ass Ale at Skanky's Tavern without someone chewing my ear off about how the old mayor's shit smells like roses.

While experience has certainly tempered my enthusiasm, I'm still confident that I can make Sucktown a better place. I love this town. Aside from the four years I spent getting a degree in wankology at Loser University (Go Loser U Wolverines!), I've lived in Sucktown my whole life. I know everything there is to know about this town, from the best place to eat (Chez Le Expensive) to the best way to view the Sucktown skyline (through your car's rearview mirror). There's so much to do here—from shopping at the Scam-a-lot Shopping Center to lounging on the sandy shores of Scum-atoga Lake—that I couldn't hate it if I tried.

The people of Sucktown have a lot to be proud of. After all, the Clue Phone was invented right here in our humble little burg. I guess I have to admit that, deep down, I love this job, and there's no way I'd trade it for a one-way ticket to Happyville.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close