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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Bereaved

I hope you are all sitting down, because I have some-thing terrible to impart. No, the President was not assassinated. If only that were the case! The news is far, far sadder. But first, I will string you along with some largely unnecessary details presented in a rambling, discursive manner, so as to build suspense and fulfill my word quota.

Yesterday, the Zweibel Estate was awash in rose-petals and scarlet buntings, because at last I was to receive my beloved sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske. This day was to be doubly special, for Miss Fiske and I were to be wed in my private chapel. She would become the new Mrs. T. Herman Zweibel and dine on nothing but cream and pheasant, sit upon brocaded cushions, and wear hair-combs fashioned from unicorn-horns! So nervous and anxious was I, every time I heard a foot-step, the contents of my bowels burst forth like the Johnstown Flood. How long I had waited for this wondrous moment–holy matrimony with my lady love! Perhaps she would allow me to call her simply "Bernadette," I thought.

As the day stretched into evening and evening into pitch-black night, I sat up-right in my wheel-chair, dressed–if I may be permitted a vulgarism favored by the youth–"to the nines" in my seersucker courting-suit, my five hairs slicked back with Macassar-oil and my collar starched so stiffly, the top of it was lacerating my neck. Yet Miss Fiske had not yet appeared, even though I had supplied the train and canal-barge fare that would enable her to travel to the Estate.

Gradually, my joy turned to concern, then terror, then impatience, then the deepest fury. The miserable bitch had stood me up once again! She stood me up when we began courting, she stood me up when she was to be introduced to my family, she even stood me up when she became pregnant with my child! What kind of sweet-heart was she, any-way? At the stroke of mid-night, my silent wrath could no longer be restrained. "Standish!" I cried. "Procure the Swiss Guard, the iron-clad, the zeppelin, and the two-headed hound! I want that filthy vamp found, treed, and worried to bits! She'll stand me up no more, by cracky!"

"Indeed she will not, sir," Standish said, a telegram in his hand. "I'm afraid I have bad news, sir. As Miss Fiske was about to board the canal barge to the Estate yesterday, she suddenly swooned. There was a physician present, but he could not save her. The cause of death is believed to have been extreme womanness, brought on by mild exertion. Apparently Miss Fiske was simply too feminine to live, sir."

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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