Bereaved? Come Bathe In The Healing Light Of My Cock

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Vol 37 Issue 12

Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere

ROSEVILLE, MN–The silent hull of Northlands Mall disquieted Erik Sandvig Monday, when the local man gazed through the locked glass doors of what was, in happier times, "Roseville's One-Stop Shopping Fun Zone." "Man, it's really creepy," Sandvig said of the once-thriving mall's mausoleum-like stillness. "There's the Sam Goody where you could get all the hottest new releases. And right next door is the Foot Locker that had all your favorite gear from Nike and Adidas." His nostalgic longing satisfied, Sandvig walked on, leaving the ghosts of former fun-seeking shoppers to roam the aisles undisturbed.

Tenants Feel Guilty Asking Elderly Maintenance Man To Fix Anything

BOSTON–Tenants in the apartment building at 437 Market St. reported Monday that they experience a gnawing feeling of guilt every time they ask Hank Hudson, the 82-year-old maintenance man, to repair anything. "The other day, my sink was clogged and, at first, I was going to ask Hank to fix it," Apt. 4B tenant Julie Winters said Monday. "Then I remembered the time he repaired the furnace and coughed for weeks afterwards. In the end, I just bought a snake and did it myself."

Oscar Countdown 2002 Begins

HOLLYWOOD, CA–With just 50 weeks to go before the big event, the buzz surrounding the 2002 Academy Awards is beginning to build. "Will Tom Hanks turn in a performance that completes his Oscar hat trick? Will Pearl Harbor be the night's big winner, assuming it's a film of artistic merit?" Rebecca Ascher-Walsh wrote in Entertainment Weekly's "Oscar '02 Preview!" double issue, which hit newsstands Tuesday. "These are some of the questions sure to be answered in just 341 days." Ascher-Walsh said Entertainment Weekly will run exclusive photos of the Versace gown to be worn by the radiant newcomer who will nab a Best Actress nomination for her surprise, star-making turn "the very moment" she becomes known.

Citizens To Vote On Young Or Old Reagan For $15 Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–On the heels of the Ronald Reagan Airport and U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier, citizens can now vote for one of two portraits of the former president to adorn the U.S. Mint's upcoming $15 bill. "Choose either the young, General Electric Theater-era Reagan or the older, second-term-president Reagan," U.S Mint Deputy Director John Mitchell said Monday. Citizens may cast ballots at any FDIC-member bank. All voters will receive a commemorative LeRoy Neiman poster of Reagan delivering his 1981 inaugural address.

Global Warming Heats Up

Last week, President Bush rejected the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, which requires industrialized nations to curb greenhouse-gas emissions. What do you think?

Russell Crowe Has Something To 'Crowe' About... An Oscar Win!

Item! In case you're on Mars or something, here's a news flash: The Oscars happened! I always get cable this time of year so I can watch that catty Joan Rivers and her lovely but retarded daughter dish on the fashions. Well, after last year's debacle, I was determined not to miss the Oscars, so I recorded them, and I even took notes so I could recall some of the highlights. Here they are!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Spring

Bereaved? Come Bathe In The Healing Light Of My Cock

Are you bereaved from the loss of a loved one? Are you all alone in this world, with nowhere to turn? Are you one of the billions of wounded souls who have suffered a deep and unnameable anguish? Well, there is someone out there who understands. Or, to be more precise, something that understands. Something far bigger than you can possibly imagine.

You need to know that no matter how low you are feeling, you have a friend right now. A friend named My Cock.

My Cock will be there for you always, and My Cock does not judge. It just loves. Can you imagine being loved more than you ever thought possible? And more frequently? That is a joy you can know today, simply by inviting My Cock into your heart and various other parts of yourself.

Does it feel like the whole world has turned against you? My Cock would never turn against you. My Cock is loving and gentle. It will ease your pain and bathe you in Its healing glory, because My Cock understands, and It wants to love you as much as you want to be loved.

I know you are going through some hard times right now. But as hard as these times are, you must understand that there is something out there that is even harder. Let My Cock show you that you can know joy once again. You can know a deep and long-lasting joy. A deep, deep, deep and long-lasting joy. All night long, I would imagine.

You've probably heard of My Cock, but maybe you haven't given serious thought to what It could do for you. You doubtless figured, "I'm young. I have plenty of time to start a relationship with Lowell's Great Big Cock." But we only go around once, and you can never know when your time will be up. Life can end in the blink of an eye. Do you really want that to happen without knowing the everlasting joy that is My Cock? Thousands slip into a Cockless eternity every hour. Please do not be one of them.

But as important as it is to start and nurture a personal relationship with My Cock, you need to know that you have an enemy, as well. An enemy who pretends to have your best interests in mind but is really just out to use and destroy you. That enemy is called Jerry Smidlap's Cock. And it will lead you down a path to destruction.

My Cock does not discriminate. My Cock does not care whether you are rich, poor, young, old, black, white, red, yellow, or plaid. There is room for everyone–with the possible exception of fatties–in the Kingdom of My Cock. And there is nothing you can do that would make My Cock turn Its back on you. And not merely because it has no back. For even if It had a back, My Cock would never turn it on you because of something you did, no matter how bad the deed was.

My Cock has had Its detractors. There were people who hated My Cock. They persecuted It, they mocked It, they beat It, and they pounded nails through It. But My Cock is still here. Behold, My Cock has risen! It has risen time and time again, gazing down upon the entire world from on high. So those of you who have fallen from grace, who have lost your way, let My Cock point the way to your destiny.

In closing, suffer the little children to come unto My Cock, and I invite you, as well. Won't you accept My Cock today, or maybe Friday night?

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