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Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!

Item! I've been researching one of my favorite actresses. You may know her as Kelly Bundy, but her real name is Kristina Applegate. She's always been a shining example of an acting triple threat: brains, beauty, and a great sense of humor. That's why I could hardly believe my discovery, but I checked and double-checked the evidence, and there was no denying the unsettling box-office phenomenon I christened The Kristina Applegate Curse. We little guys all think of Kristina as celebrity dynamite, but she's actually, at best, a firecracker. How do I know it? Let me set the scene. After seeing the underrated Surviving Christmas, I went on the Internet line, just to make sure I hadn't overlooked any of Kristina's work. What a surprise I was in for! It turns out I hadn't even scratched the surface. Her résumé read like a Top 10 list of flops. Surviving Christmas was a lump of coal, business-wise. Employee Of The Month? Never heard of it. View From The Top? Crashed on landing. All these movies had star power out the wazoo, so there was no reason they should've tanked. I double-checked the Harvey research, and sure enough, these movies all had one common element: Kristina.

Fine, Anchor Men was a success. But it's the exception that proves the rule: Applegate is box-office poison. Let's hope the right project comes along and breaks the curse. She's too cute to be an utter failure.

Item! Speaking of the underrated Surviving Christmas... Go see it! It's a fun family romp everyone will enjoy! As a member of the media, I do my darnedest to spread the word about those movies and shows you, the busy consumer, may have overlooked. This is why I'm launching my new feature, Second Looks With Jackie Harvey. This week, I'd like to humbly direct people's attention to a movie that had all the right stuff, but for reasons no one can explain, never took off. What movie is that? That movie is Taxi, with Queen Levitra and Jimmy Fallen! Taxi has it all. It's a buddy comedy with Jimmy as a cop who can't drive and Queen as a taxi driver who can. Using her car, Queen helps Jimmy track down a drug dealer. Or killer. I have to watch it again to figure out which one it is. It really doesn't matter, since it's all just a backdrop for the sexual tension between the two fishes out of water. (Ka-pow! When are those two going to get it on?) Laughs get a green light in this automotive thrill ride through Harvey-hometown New York City!

The election is over, so now we can get back to having fun—or so I thought! I was watching CSI the other night, and right at the climax, they interrupted the show to tell me that Yessir Afarat was dead. Sure, it's news, and it's very tragic news, and I am not one to celebrate death, but listen, buddy: When I want the news, I watch the news. Save your interruptions for the reruns, networks!

Sometimes, I am way ahead of the curve. Susan Powder? I predicted she'd go bankrupt weeks before she announced it. Tara Lipinski? Saw it coming at the pre-Olympic trials. Carson Daley and teeth? I don't know. The other night, I wrote down "Carson Daley and teeth," and then I got lost roaming the Internet for several hours and forgot about it. When I sat down to write this column, I found it written down at my desk: "Carson Daley and teeth." I have no idea what I was going to say about one or the other, let alone both. Carson's teeth are nice, as far as I can see. They are a nice hue, and they are nicely proportioned to his mouth—but all celebrities have nice teeth. Except Peter Gallager; he's a little cappy. My choppers are pretty good, and I've never even had braces, not to brag. Anyway, if you read an article about Carson Daley's teeth, just remember: You heard it here first!

Item! The other Hilton—not Paris, but the other one—and her husband got an annulment after only three months. This is sad news for those of us who had hoped that she would make Paris think, "Oh, what a mess I've made of my life while my less-famous sister has done so well for herself!" Now, the trap door has been opened, and they're both on a chute to the same basement laundry facility where all the hotel towels go. On the other hand, that other Hilton is pretty cute... Fellas, start your romance engines!

For every storm there is a rainbow, and the yin to the Hilton yang is Star Jones, who, after teasing us for months—almost to the point where I was ready for the divorce!—made an honest man of Al Roynolds in a fairytale wedding that will be remembered for weeks to come. I have it on good authority that Al worked at the bank that Star uses for her personal account, and that the two love-doves met when she brought in a jam-jar full of nickels to deposit. They made small talk while the sorter counted out the amount ($13.70), and before you know it, a love connection was made. From pocket change to major lifestyle changes, I give the couple a hearty Outside Scoop congratulations!

Winter is coming and so is snow. So now I have to get myself some snow boots. When I was a kid, I had to carry my shoes to school with me and slip plastic bread bags over my socks before I put on my snowmobile boots to keep my feet dry. Do they make those boots in adult sizes? I think it would be fun to wear them again.

As a special treat, take a peak at the Harvey Things-To-See-Or-Places-To-Dine List!

1. Desperate Housewives—it's the No. 1 new show for a reason, right?

2. Ray—there's a lot of Oscar™ buzz surrounding star Jamie Fox for his turn as of boxer Sugar Ray Leonard.

3. The Incredibles—I love hero stories.

4. Outback Steak House—combines my three loves: Australia, ribeye steaks, and theme restaurants.

Well, that's all the room we have for now. I had more thoughtful essays than I did gossip this time around, so I promise a ton of juicy morsels next time. Just to get the juices flowing, what Soprannoes star may be following Andrea DeMatteao to the show Joey? Plus, I'll ask the tough question that no one wants to ask about Scott Peterson: killer or monster? All that next time... on the Outside!

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