Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

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Vol 39 Issue 33

Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look

TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an unidentified public urinator. "He was taking a leak right there in the front yard, not even behind a bush, or garbage can, or anything," Lipner said. "And he gives me this look, like, 'What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm trying to take a piss?' As if it's my fault for walking on a public sidewalk while he's out there taking a leak, like the king of Sheba." Lipner assured reporters that he intentionally avoided looking at the urinator's penis, because he's "not some kind of perv."

Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who's not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. "Unless there's the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I'm not interested," Langdon told potential suitors. "Come with cameras, or don't come at all." Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication.

Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria

ALGIERS, ALGERIA—Japan continued to vex the world Monday, as numerous eyewitnesses saw the exotic and mysterious Pacific Rim country hovering over the mountainous coastal regions of Algeria. "I noticed it up there around noon," said Ahmed Boumediènne, a farmer whose land lay in the 1,744-mile shadow temporarily cast by the floating archipelago. "The schoolchildren were having a great time waving at it. But, when I came out after lunch, it was gone again. Must have moved on." Boumediènne added that no one was threatened by Japan's serene presence. As of press time, the Japanese islands were back in the Pacific Ocean.

Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out

MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by his ability to quietly slink out the door after a night of passion. "I'll spare you the details, but Ken was really, really good in the sack," 35-year-old Heather Yorgrau said Sunday, the morning after meeting Millagro at a friend's birthday party. "He was also really, really good at getting out of the sack without waking me up. He was absolutely amazing at not tripping over the shoes on the floor, leaving the noisy fan in the bathroom off, and quietly managing the locks on the front door." Millagro was unable to be found for comment.

The Ten Commandments Ruling

State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think?

No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before you get your hopes up, I checked, and none of the hosts will be funnyman Billy Crystal. Now, I ask you, the esteemed Academy, why waste a golden opportunity? I'm sure the other hosts are very funny, but have they proven themselves like Billy? I doubt it.

Boy, I guess no one liked Gigli, huh? Wrong! Even though I've had enough of the Ben-Lo Show, I gave the movie a try, and you know what? It was pretty good. You can see the beginning of the real-life sparks flying on screen, just like you did with Bogey and Bacall in the song "Key Largo." I think people reviewed Ben and J-Lo's relationship, not their movie, and that's just not fair. For the first time, I'm ashamed to be part of the entertainment-journalism community.

(By the way, did you know that Gigli is pronounced "zhee-lee" and not "giggly"? Who says you can't learn things from the movies?)

I can't wait until October. Not only will it cool down, but also, the scary movies will come out. I confess that I love sitting in a dark theater getting the wits scared out of me by a scary-scary movie. Not just scary, the likes of Freddy or Jason, but scary-scary, like Michael Mayers. His Dr. Evil really gives me the willies! Those creatures of the night, what music they make...

It's true what they say. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Item! Fox is starting the fall season early this year with the steamy beach series The OP. That's shorthand for Ocean Pacific, and it stars Peter Gallagher as a fashion designer trying to re-launch his line of beach wear while raising a juvenile-delinquent kid. I haven't seen it yet, but as soon as I get a Tuesday night free, I'll be right in front of my television catching the waves. How Gallagher can be on a new series while he's running for governor of California and smashing vegetables with a mallet is a mystery to me. I wish I had one-tenth of that man's energy.

Speaking of California, how about that governor's race? I don't think it's right that a minority of voters can enact a recall of a sitting governor, particularly when you consider that it only takes 65 signatures and $3,500 to enter the race. It's also not fair that the sitting governor requires a majority vote to remain in office, as opposed to the plurality an opponent needs to unseat him. Personally, I'd vote for Arnold any day of the week. Who's going to say no to the Terminator? He'll "erase" that deficit like no one else can—that's for sure.

I felt like I needed to get back to nature, so I started planning a camping trip. Just after I bought all the gear, I saw this great documentary called Wings Migration. I went in thinking it was about one of my 10 favorite bands, Paul McCarthy's Wings (#6 on the list). Turns out, I was wrong, but joyously so—it was actually a nature documentary full of beautiful shots of migrating birds. That pretty much took care of the outdoor urge for me. Anyone want a good deal on a tent and sleeping bag?

Boy, that blackout sure had everyone in a tizzy! I wasn't affected, but I was glued to the TV news coverage. I'd like to personally thank New Yorkers for the heroism they showed by acting like human beings during the crisis. I blew a fuse once, and I had to sit and eat all my ice cream before it melted. I can only imagine what it must have been like for people in one of the affected states.

For the life of me, I can't understand the show Banzai. There's so much yelling and cruelty. I tell you, if I wanted a Japanese man to yell at me, I'd move to Vermont and marry a Japanese man, if I were gay. Just kidding. I do love Japanese people, though. Those I've met haven't shouted nearly as much as the ones on that show.

Speaking of shows, I can't wait for the new fall TV season to start. Tops on my list of Appointment TV Shows? One word: Whoopi!

There's a lot more going on in the world of entertainment, but I only have so much space. I'll leave you with a little teaser about Julia Roberts' next "role" as a baker looking for a new "sweet"-heart! Hungry for more? Stay tuned for the next installment of The Outside Scoop!

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