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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before you get your hopes up, I checked, and none of the hosts will be funnyman Billy Crystal. Now, I ask you, the esteemed Academy, why waste a golden opportunity? I'm sure the other hosts are very funny, but have they proven themselves like Billy? I doubt it.

Boy, I guess no one liked Gigli, huh? Wrong! Even though I've had enough of the Ben-Lo Show, I gave the movie a try, and you know what? It was pretty good. You can see the beginning of the real-life sparks flying on screen, just like you did with Bogey and Bacall in the song "Key Largo." I think people reviewed Ben and J-Lo's relationship, not their movie, and that's just not fair. For the first time, I'm ashamed to be part of the entertainment-journalism community.

(By the way, did you know that Gigli is pronounced "zhee-lee" and not "giggly"? Who says you can't learn things from the movies?)

I can't wait until October. Not only will it cool down, but also, the scary movies will come out. I confess that I love sitting in a dark theater getting the wits scared out of me by a scary-scary movie. Not just scary, the likes of Freddy or Jason, but scary-scary, like Michael Mayers. His Dr. Evil really gives me the willies! Those creatures of the night, what music they make...

It's true what they say. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Item! Fox is starting the fall season early this year with the steamy beach series The OP. That's shorthand for Ocean Pacific, and it stars Peter Gallagher as a fashion designer trying to re-launch his line of beach wear while raising a juvenile-delinquent kid. I haven't seen it yet, but as soon as I get a Tuesday night free, I'll be right in front of my television catching the waves. How Gallagher can be on a new series while he's running for governor of California and smashing vegetables with a mallet is a mystery to me. I wish I had one-tenth of that man's energy.

Speaking of California, how about that governor's race? I don't think it's right that a minority of voters can enact a recall of a sitting governor, particularly when you consider that it only takes 65 signatures and $3,500 to enter the race. It's also not fair that the sitting governor requires a majority vote to remain in office, as opposed to the plurality an opponent needs to unseat him. Personally, I'd vote for Arnold any day of the week. Who's going to say no to the Terminator? He'll "erase" that deficit like no one else can—that's for sure.

I felt like I needed to get back to nature, so I started planning a camping trip. Just after I bought all the gear, I saw this great documentary called Wings Migration. I went in thinking it was about one of my 10 favorite bands, Paul McCarthy's Wings (#6 on the list). Turns out, I was wrong, but joyously so—it was actually a nature documentary full of beautiful shots of migrating birds. That pretty much took care of the outdoor urge for me. Anyone want a good deal on a tent and sleeping bag?

Boy, that blackout sure had everyone in a tizzy! I wasn't affected, but I was glued to the TV news coverage. I'd like to personally thank New Yorkers for the heroism they showed by acting like human beings during the crisis. I blew a fuse once, and I had to sit and eat all my ice cream before it melted. I can only imagine what it must have been like for people in one of the affected states.

For the life of me, I can't understand the show Banzai. There's so much yelling and cruelty. I tell you, if I wanted a Japanese man to yell at me, I'd move to Vermont and marry a Japanese man, if I were gay. Just kidding. I do love Japanese people, though. Those I've met haven't shouted nearly as much as the ones on that show.

Speaking of shows, I can't wait for the new fall TV season to start. Tops on my list of Appointment TV Shows? One word: Whoopi!

There's a lot more going on in the world of entertainment, but I only have so much space. I'll leave you with a little teaser about Julia Roberts' next "role" as a baker looking for a new "sweet"-heart! Hungry for more? Stay tuned for the next installment of The Outside Scoop!

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