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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Black Scarlet Returns!

Even though I ought to have been dead long ago, I must confess that I still love to sit in my counting-house, counting all my money. My riches alone take up an entire wing of my vast mansion, which is filled to the ceiling with gold bullion, silver chalices, emerald diadems, platinum candelabras, Egyptian tomb idols, enormous jars of frankincense, several Excaliburs, and a magic lamp.

Over the years, my various advisors and aides-de-camp have tried to persuade me to put my vast riches in a bank. Never! I shall never trust those Hebrew money-lenders and usurers!

Besides, if I kept my fortune in a bank, I would not have the opportunity to count it, which is what I intend to do right now. Standish, my faithful man-servant, throw open the counting-house doors!

Wait—what's this? Why, the room is bare! Not a single sou is to be found!

Perhaps we are in the wrong wing of the estate, Standish. But that can't be, because the other wing is filled with meat. And the pungent fragrance of frankincense still haunts this abandoned chamber!

This is the doing of those damned wastrel sons of mine. They have squandered the entire family fortune at last! I would not be surprised if the street-walkers and harlots they call their wives hocked it all for bon-bons, sweet-meats and cheek rouge! Miserable tarts!

Standish has spotted some items on the floor in the middle of the chamber and is retrieving them. It's a red rose, black gauntlet and piece of parchment! Well, don't just stand there slack-jawed, Standish, read it to me! Chop chop!

To my dear adversary, Mr. T. Herman Zweibel, Esq.:

Sorry to have to clean you out, old boy, but others less fortunate than yourself have a much greater need for your erstwhile plenty. Pray forgive my haste, but I must to horse before the coming of the rosy-fingered dawn.

Respectfully, your arch-enemy, Black Scarlet.

Black Scarlet! Ruthless high-way-man, thief and stealthy absconder! He has struck again, and this time has plundered every penny of my riches!

I am ruined! I am ruined! Woe is me! At the age of 132, T. Herman Zweibel will have to seek his way in the world once again, with nothing but a shawl and a broken catheter as company. O agony! O sound! O fury!

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