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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Booked Solid

I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive me, because this resolution is a real doozy!

Get ready for this, folks: This year, your old pal Jean resolves that... she will improve her mind!

I should've known I was asking for it when I told hubby Rick this. "Improving your mind, huh? That's not the only thing of yours that needs improving," he said. (Har-dee-har-har, Rick. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!)

But seriously, I first got the notion while watching Oprah. Her Oprah's Book Club segment was on, which I don't think I need to explain, since it's so popular. (For those few souls who have never heard of it, come out from the rock you've been living under!) Anyway, I always feel a little guilty when the Book Club segment is on, because I've been meaning to join it for the longest time. The problem is, I never seem to get out to the Barnes & Noble on the outskirts of town to buy the current selection. Once, I drove to the library to check out She's Come Undone, but I got distracted when I saw a sign in the window of Pier 1 advertising vanilla-scented candles. (I'm such a sucker for those scented candles!)

That's not to say I never read. I practically devour romance novels. (I've said it before, and I'll say it again: There's always room on my shelf for any book with Fabio on the cover! Rowrr-rowrrr!) And I have subscriptions to several major magazines, including Soap Opera Digest and McCall's. I also read a lot of celebrity biographies. And, of course, I've virtually memorized every Erma Bombeck column in existence! But when it comes to serious literature of the sort Oprah likes, well, let's just say I'm no connoisseur.

My friend Patti, who is an English teacher at the local vocational school, was shocked when I told her I was not very well-read. She told me that my own writing doesn't reflect that, since it's always so thoughtful and sensitive. (Her words, not mine!) "I would have pegged you for a big Robert James Waller fan," she said. Well, I guess I'm not, because I had to ask her who he was. Turns out, he's only the author of The Bridges Of Madison County, which is supposed to be practically the best book ever! Duh! (Go put on a dunce cap and sit in the corner, Jean!)

But Patti didn't laugh or make fun of me or anything. Instead, she asked if I wanted to join her own weekly book-reading club, which that very week was starting Song Of Solomon, a novel that was once an Oprah's Book Club selection. I recalled this being one of Oprah's favorite books, because it's written by her author friend who also wrote the book for that movie Oprah did last year that flopped, so I immediately said yes. Patti, who had read the book years ago but wanted to re-read it, even gave me her copy, because her ex-husband had left his own copy behind at their house after their divorce, and she said she could use that one instead. It's just like Patti to be soooo nice and thoughtful like that!

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