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Vol 35 Issue 19

Painful Boil Still Too Unformed To Lance

BILLINGS, MT—A throbbing boil on the neck of Art Krenchicki is not quite ready for lancing, the 47-year-old Billings man reported Monday. "Just a couple more days, and it'll be all set," said Krenchicki, studying the inflamed, pus-filled swelling. "You can't lance them too soon, or they take even longer to heal."

Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced the killer of Father Blaine, the Vicar of St. Mary's of Glasgow, it was reported Tuesday. "The angle of the stabs was consistent with a left-handed assailant," Toback told reporters. "And if you note the description of Bishop Argyll's desk on page 22, his quills are kept to the left of the writing tablet as he faces the desk." Toback did not need to remind reporters that Argyll stands to benefit more than anyone from the appointment of MacGregor as the new Vicar.

Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

SAN FRANCISCO—After a harrowing three-year battle with drug-addiction recovery, area resident Scott Fedorisko finally put rehab behind him Monday. "It's been a long and hellish road, but I'm happy to say that, once again, I'm off the life and high on drugs," said Fedorisko, tapping a heroin-filled syringe. "At last, I have put my dark days of recovery behind me and can now look forward to many years of substance-dependent bliss."

Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in August 1996, sources reported Monday. "Keep this page bookmarked and come back soon for the very latest Dean Cain news!" the page urged visitors. "Coming next week: A very special preview of the Lois & Clark season premiere!!!!" Due to the lack of updating, it is not known whether Cain's favorite film is still The Princess Bride. The current status of his three dogs—Jay, Bosco and Mocha—is also undetermined.

Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday. "Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo." Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.

Gore Excited After Seeing Self On TV

WASHINGTON, DC—Hours after seeing himself at the funeral of King Gustaf III of Denmark on ABC World News Tonight, an excited Al Gore called friends and family Monday to ask if they saw the televised report. "Did you see me on the news?" the vice-president asked friend Jonathan Gantner. "Peter Jennings was talking about the funeral, and then they showed Albright, and, for like five seconds, you could see me standing behind her. It was so awesome." Gore is reportedly asking around to see if anyone taped the program.

Too Many Plutocrats

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget them as any decent man in the final stages of advanced senility would.

Star Wars Mania

The top-grossing movie series in history, the Star Wars saga continues this week with the long-awaited release of Episode I--The Phantom Menace. What are the reasons for the films' enormous, enduring appeal?
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I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive me, because this resolution is a real doozy!

Get ready for this, folks: This year, your old pal Jean resolves that... she will improve her mind!

I should've known I was asking for it when I told hubby Rick this. "Improving your mind, huh? That's not the only thing of yours that needs improving," he said. (Har-dee-har-har, Rick. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!)

But seriously, I first got the notion while watching Oprah. Her Oprah's Book Club segment was on, which I don't think I need to explain, since it's so popular. (For those few souls who have never heard of it, come out from the rock you've been living under!) Anyway, I always feel a little guilty when the Book Club segment is on, because I've been meaning to join it for the longest time. The problem is, I never seem to get out to the Barnes & Noble on the outskirts of town to buy the current selection. Once, I drove to the library to check out She's Come Undone, but I got distracted when I saw a sign in the window of Pier 1 advertising vanilla-scented candles. (I'm such a sucker for those scented candles!)

That's not to say I never read. I practically devour romance novels. (I've said it before, and I'll say it again: There's always room on my shelf for any book with Fabio on the cover! Rowrr-rowrrr!) And I have subscriptions to several major magazines, including Soap Opera Digest and McCall's. I also read a lot of celebrity biographies. And, of course, I've virtually memorized every Erma Bombeck column in existence! But when it comes to serious literature of the sort Oprah likes, well, let's just say I'm no connoisseur.

My friend Patti, who is an English teacher at the local vocational school, was shocked when I told her I was not very well-read. She told me that my own writing doesn't reflect that, since it's always so thoughtful and sensitive. (Her words, not mine!) "I would have pegged you for a big Robert James Waller fan," she said. Well, I guess I'm not, because I had to ask her who he was. Turns out, he's only the author of The Bridges Of Madison County, which is supposed to be practically the best book ever! Duh! (Go put on a dunce cap and sit in the corner, Jean!)

But Patti didn't laugh or make fun of me or anything. Instead, she asked if I wanted to join her own weekly book-reading club, which that very week was starting Song Of Solomon, a novel that was once an Oprah's Book Club selection. I recalled this being one of Oprah's favorite books, because it's written by her author friend who also wrote the book for that movie Oprah did last year that flopped, so I immediately said yes. Patti, who had read the book years ago but wanted to re-read it, even gave me her copy, because her ex-husband had left his own copy behind at their house after their divorce, and she said she could use that one instead. It's just like Patti to be soooo nice and thoughtful like that!

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