Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?

Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

PARIS—Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was stood up by French officials who were supposed to meet him to discuss vital foreign trade issues.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

Item! Get ready, America, because everybody's favorite superhero is making his leap to the big screen—again! That's right, I'm talking about Batman, and hunk-tor George Clooney will don the cape for the first time since the third Batman movie. There will also be a bunch of new people, including Arnold Schwartzenger as Coldman, Harvey Keitel as the Penguin, Jim Carrey as Crazy Man, and Eartha Kitt as the Catwoman. And, to top it all off, Richard Burton is going to direct! Can you wait? I know I can't! I hope they produce some sort of merchandise that I can buy to show my support for this movie.

Hey, Willard Scott! Is that a rug we've been spotting on your head? Beause if it is, it makes you look 20 years younger! Kudos!

Item! Hot on the comeback trail is Mrs. Eddie Fisher! What's she been up to lately? Plenty! She has a new movie out with Albert Brooks; her daughter's outer-space movies are coming back into vogue; and she has a Las Vegas Casino with Hollywood items and slot machines in it. Congratulations! You've really got a reason to be "singin' in the rain"!

I don't know about you, but I just can't resist a good bologna sandwich.

Item! One of my sources tells me there's some rich sultan who's making an offer of $5 million for John Wayne's remains. Apparently, the sultan is a huge fan of the Duke, and he wants to pay him tribute by decorating his mummified corpse with all manner of jewelry and gold. Well, let me be the first to tell this wacko that America isn't going to let one of its true national treasures go overseas for money. Honestly!

Speaking of jewelry, Liz Taylor seems to be doing well after her brain surgery. I read in one of the papers that she had some diamonds stuck in her head that they had to take out! Really! According to a close friend of Liz's, she ate an entire goose, a bottle of port and a plate of spaghetti in one sitting shortly after the surgery. Now that's what I call a fast recovery! Here's to your health, Liz. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of us when I say that we wish you nothing but the best.

What's the deal with all these sitcoms? I mean, every time you turn on the TV, there's another one on!

Can't we all just stick together and take a stand against terrorism? There's Unabombers, Olympic bombers, Oklahoma City bombers and Bronx Bombers. And that's four kinds of bombers too many. I for one am sick of being terrorized, so I say, "No more!" Write your local elected officials, and ask them to do something about this menace which is terrorizing communities across the country.

For my money, Edward James Olmos is the best actor in the business today, hands down.

I hate to be a tease, but stay tuned for some pretty big news about yours truly in the next column. In the meantime, if you need a bigger fix, come down to The Book Nook in Crandon, OH, this Saturday at 10:30 a.m., where I'll be reading from my work in progress, Harvey's Hollywood: A Tinseltown Tell-All. That's the working title. If you have any better ideas, stop by and let me know. I'm always open to new ideas.

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