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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

Item! Get ready, America, because everybody's favorite superhero is making his leap to the big screen—again! That's right, I'm talking about Batman, and hunk-tor George Clooney will don the cape for the first time since the third Batman movie. There will also be a bunch of new people, including Arnold Schwartzenger as Coldman, Harvey Keitel as the Penguin, Jim Carrey as Crazy Man, and Eartha Kitt as the Catwoman. And, to top it all off, Richard Burton is going to direct! Can you wait? I know I can't! I hope they produce some sort of merchandise that I can buy to show my support for this movie.

Hey, Willard Scott! Is that a rug we've been spotting on your head? Beause if it is, it makes you look 20 years younger! Kudos!

Item! Hot on the comeback trail is Mrs. Eddie Fisher! What's she been up to lately? Plenty! She has a new movie out with Albert Brooks; her daughter's outer-space movies are coming back into vogue; and she has a Las Vegas Casino with Hollywood items and slot machines in it. Congratulations! You've really got a reason to be "singin' in the rain"!

I don't know about you, but I just can't resist a good bologna sandwich.

Item! One of my sources tells me there's some rich sultan who's making an offer of $5 million for John Wayne's remains. Apparently, the sultan is a huge fan of the Duke, and he wants to pay him tribute by decorating his mummified corpse with all manner of jewelry and gold. Well, let me be the first to tell this wacko that America isn't going to let one of its true national treasures go overseas for money. Honestly!

Speaking of jewelry, Liz Taylor seems to be doing well after her brain surgery. I read in one of the papers that she had some diamonds stuck in her head that they had to take out! Really! According to a close friend of Liz's, she ate an entire goose, a bottle of port and a plate of spaghetti in one sitting shortly after the surgery. Now that's what I call a fast recovery! Here's to your health, Liz. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of us when I say that we wish you nothing but the best.

What's the deal with all these sitcoms? I mean, every time you turn on the TV, there's another one on!

Can't we all just stick together and take a stand against terrorism? There's Unabombers, Olympic bombers, Oklahoma City bombers and Bronx Bombers. And that's four kinds of bombers too many. I for one am sick of being terrorized, so I say, "No more!" Write your local elected officials, and ask them to do something about this menace which is terrorizing communities across the country.

For my money, Edward James Olmos is the best actor in the business today, hands down.

I hate to be a tease, but stay tuned for some pretty big news about yours truly in the next column. In the meantime, if you need a bigger fix, come down to The Book Nook in Crandon, OH, this Saturday at 10:30 a.m., where I'll be reading from my work in progress, Harvey's Hollywood: A Tinseltown Tell-All. That's the working title. If you have any better ideas, stop by and let me know. I'm always open to new ideas.

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