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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

Item! Get ready, America, because everybody's favorite superhero is making his leap to the big screen—again! That's right, I'm talking about Batman, and hunk-tor George Clooney will don the cape for the first time since the third Batman movie. There will also be a bunch of new people, including Arnold Schwartzenger as Coldman, Harvey Keitel as the Penguin, Jim Carrey as Crazy Man, and Eartha Kitt as the Catwoman. And, to top it all off, Richard Burton is going to direct! Can you wait? I know I can't! I hope they produce some sort of merchandise that I can buy to show my support for this movie.

Hey, Willard Scott! Is that a rug we've been spotting on your head? Beause if it is, it makes you look 20 years younger! Kudos!

Item! Hot on the comeback trail is Mrs. Eddie Fisher! What's she been up to lately? Plenty! She has a new movie out with Albert Brooks; her daughter's outer-space movies are coming back into vogue; and she has a Las Vegas Casino with Hollywood items and slot machines in it. Congratulations! You've really got a reason to be "singin' in the rain"!

I don't know about you, but I just can't resist a good bologna sandwich.

Item! One of my sources tells me there's some rich sultan who's making an offer of $5 million for John Wayne's remains. Apparently, the sultan is a huge fan of the Duke, and he wants to pay him tribute by decorating his mummified corpse with all manner of jewelry and gold. Well, let me be the first to tell this wacko that America isn't going to let one of its true national treasures go overseas for money. Honestly!

Speaking of jewelry, Liz Taylor seems to be doing well after her brain surgery. I read in one of the papers that she had some diamonds stuck in her head that they had to take out! Really! According to a close friend of Liz's, she ate an entire goose, a bottle of port and a plate of spaghetti in one sitting shortly after the surgery. Now that's what I call a fast recovery! Here's to your health, Liz. I'm sure I'm speaking for all of us when I say that we wish you nothing but the best.

What's the deal with all these sitcoms? I mean, every time you turn on the TV, there's another one on!

Can't we all just stick together and take a stand against terrorism? There's Unabombers, Olympic bombers, Oklahoma City bombers and Bronx Bombers. And that's four kinds of bombers too many. I for one am sick of being terrorized, so I say, "No more!" Write your local elected officials, and ask them to do something about this menace which is terrorizing communities across the country.

For my money, Edward James Olmos is the best actor in the business today, hands down.

I hate to be a tease, but stay tuned for some pretty big news about yours truly in the next column. In the meantime, if you need a bigger fix, come down to The Book Nook in Crandon, OH, this Saturday at 10:30 a.m., where I'll be reading from my work in progress, Harvey's Hollywood: A Tinseltown Tell-All. That's the working title. If you have any better ideas, stop by and let me know. I'm always open to new ideas.

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