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Boy, I Really Thought Like Shit Today

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Boy, I Really Thought Like Shit Today

When you lead America's No. 1 political think tank, you've got to always be thinking, and thinking hard. Each day, I go to the office, catch up on my correspondence, and then to set to work: fresh insights and ideas, bold new paradigms, groundbreaking ways of looking at things. That's my job. And most days I think up two or three solid public-policy initiatives before I've even finished my morning coffee.

Not today. No, today I didn't think for shit.

What do I have to show for eight hours of work? A notebook filled with doodles and some tic-tac-toe games I played against myself. You call that thinking, Strobe? You get paid to think of innovative, practical recommendations that strengthen democracy and foster social welfare, and you're sitting here playing your fifth consecutive hand of solitaire?

Fucking idiot.

For God's sake, this is the Brookings Institution! The place that helped create the U.N. and the Marshall Plan. You're expected to think at the highest level. You're supposed to walk into a meeting and say, "Hey, you know what I just thought of that would increase the accountability of the federal government? A nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office." That's what people do at a think tank. Come on, Talbott, get your shit together!

It's not like I came in planning to goof off all day. In fact, I had a pretty full schedule: 9 to 10:30, think about poverty; 10:30 to 12:30, think about chemical weapons; 12:30, lunch at desk, brainstorming exercises; 1:30 to 4, think about alternative energy; 4 to 6, think outside the box. But what did I do? Sat around with my thumb up my ass.

What is wrong with me?

For someone who's been at the think-tank game as long as I have, this routine should be old hat. I should be able to waltz in with some kind of plan to fix Social Security, evaluate nuclear disarmament for a couple hours—the usual stuff. As it is, if I don't develop a couple new strategies for more efficiently disbursing foreign aid—or something—pretty quick, I'm gonna be stuck here all goddamn night.

I've had, what, two, maybe three thoughts all day? Oh, yeah, this was a doozy: "bigger airplanes." Nice one, asshole. What a retard! Why did I even write that down?

Dammit, Strobe, that's not going to cut it. Not at a think tank. Not at the Brookings Institution. Think, man, think!

There was one point, around 1:30 or so, when I thought I had a breakthrough. I was in the bathroom thinking, "Hey, maybe we could use methane digesters and hydroelectric turbines to generate power from our sewage-treatment plants." I started to get excited and even told my secretary to get ready to take dictation, but then it hit me: You know where that thought came from? A meeting we had five years ago. And it was someone else's idea. And it wasn't even a good one, because it was dismissed for not being cost-effective.

Bra-vo!

Oh, and also? A reporter from The Wall Street Journal called earlier. She wanted a quote on nuclear brinksmanship and the situation in North Korea. I told her I'd get back to her. Never did. Why? Because my mind is just a piece of shit today, and I can't even think well enough to parrot the most obvious talking points from our own fucking position papers!

God, now all I can think about is how little I can think. It's like a snake swallowing its own tail. If I can't break this vicious circle, I'm fucked. I can't even generate a decent train of thought to…

Wait. Snakes. Trains. Trains like snakes. Snake-like… Nope, lost it. Yup, I'm fucked.

Way to go, Strobe, you complete and utter jackass. Way to go.

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