adBlockCheck

Bring It On

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bring It On

Girl, if you have any question in your mind as to whether I can satisfy you, bring your body to me now.

Smoove B will satisfy you.

Bring it on to me, and I will love you like nobody can. I will sex you like nobody can. I will freak you like nobody can.

I am ready for you now.

Lay your body down, and I will show you love. I will drape you in the finest black silks. I will travel to the finest Asian nations to attain this silk. Then, I will run my fingers through your hair. I will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while I do so. I will tell you such things as, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" and "Your skin is like the most expensive Swiss chocolate money can buy" and "Your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire.

I will hit you doggy-style.

All you have to do is tell me what to do and when to stop. And I promise, you will not want it to stop until the break of dawn.

Bring your body to me now, and I will show you a night of love that you have never known. I will take you to a level that no lover could ever take you. We will be in the atmosphere. I will take you higher and higher, to heaven and even further. We will be love astronauts, colonizing other planets with our passion. We will bump to Jupiter. Grind to Pluto.

Damn.

The next morning, I will cook breakfast for you. I will fry up several eggs, each in a different style for you to choose from. There will be scrambled eggs, fried eggs, boiled eggs, baked eggs and even egg sandwiches. There will be a smorgasbord of taste sensations for your tender lips to enjoy.

I will then pick a beautiful red rose from outside the bedroom window and put it in an elegant glass vase upon your food tray. The tray will be only the finest food tray from the far reaches of the earth.

I will also serve cereal.

Aw, please, girl. Bring your sugar to me, and I will show you that my back is strong. You will ride me all day and all night and will never want to stop.

Baby, I want your brown sugar right now. Freak me on my desk right this second. Give it up to Smoove B. Take a ride on his Caravan of Love.

I am the man of your dreams and desires. I will satisfy you, if only you would allow me the pleasure. I will swear on my honor as a man that I will do you right until the morning light. I will fulfill your every wish. And I will use oils if necessary.

So, in conclusion, let me summarize by saying that I will drape you in silk and hit you doggy-style, then I will feed you eggs of every kind and variety, and my back is strong.

Bring it on.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close