Buggy For Let!

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Vol 33 Issue 20

Dreamworks SKG Signs J&H Productions To Six-Year Deal

CINCINNATI—Steven Spielberg of Dreamworks SKG confirmed the industry rumor Monday that Cincinnati-based J&H Productions International has been signed to a landmark six-year contract. Spielberg said that J&H president Mr. H "will be executive-producing all types of shows in the stadiums and the coliseums, from city to city, which will be filmed for nationwide release. I hope you will be going to see these movies that Dreamworks SKG will be signing under, as far as J&H Productions and the films that he will make, pertaining to the shows." Dreamworks and J&H will also be working closely with the label industry, as far as getting all the major stars together and putting them to work with the other stars in other agencies under the Cavalcade Of Stars. "Our shows will be the dynamic shows ever being gave," Spielberg said.

Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.

Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?

Your Horoscope

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.
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Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.

What young gentleman striving to make his mark in the world wouldn't wish to possess such a praiseworthy vehicle? It was in such a rig that I set out to make my own fortune. I traveled the countryside in a modest but handsome fringe-topped surrey, from Calumet City to Brewster-town, selling Onion subscriptions and patent medicines to the yeomanry. I met my dear wife in one of these quaint hamlets, the daughter of an unlettered but wealthy self-made turpentine manufacturer. And it was in this reliable old phaeton that I took her back to my home, strapping her and her sizeable dowry to the buckboard. How it greatly pleased my old father, who was able to stir himself long enough from his laudanum haze to pat my shoulder.

But now, I too am an old man incapable of venturing past his bedpan, and I no longer have need for such a vehicle. As for the aforementioned buggy, I resolved to pass it down to my eldest son, R. Buckminster, or J. Phineas, or whoever he is, but he would have none of it, preferring to gallivant about in his zeppelin. Foul, gaseous device! It's always bumping into my prize azaleas and the 60-foot statue of myself that graces the courtyard.

Therefore I have no choice but to sell it off to a member of the public. I should hasten to mention that potential owners must agree to submit to and pass a rigorous series of phrenological examinations before being considered mentally sufficient to come within several hundred yards of my presence. I will suffer no jackanapes or ladykillers who cock their caps to one side and think they can take advantage of a frail yet vastly wealthy old man. And if you offer to bathe me I'll sic the mastiff on you. I've since learned to see through that ruse.

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