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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.

What young gentleman striving to make his mark in the world wouldn't wish to possess such a praiseworthy vehicle? It was in such a rig that I set out to make my own fortune. I traveled the countryside in a modest but handsome fringe-topped surrey, from Calumet City to Brewster-town, selling Onion subscriptions and patent medicines to the yeomanry. I met my dear wife in one of these quaint hamlets, the daughter of an unlettered but wealthy self-made turpentine manufacturer. And it was in this reliable old phaeton that I took her back to my home, strapping her and her sizeable dowry to the buckboard. How it greatly pleased my old father, who was able to stir himself long enough from his laudanum haze to pat my shoulder.

But now, I too am an old man incapable of venturing past his bedpan, and I no longer have need for such a vehicle. As for the aforementioned buggy, I resolved to pass it down to my eldest son, R. Buckminster, or J. Phineas, or whoever he is, but he would have none of it, preferring to gallivant about in his zeppelin. Foul, gaseous device! It's always bumping into my prize azaleas and the 60-foot statue of myself that graces the courtyard.

Therefore I have no choice but to sell it off to a member of the public. I should hasten to mention that potential owners must agree to submit to and pass a rigorous series of phrenological examinations before being considered mentally sufficient to come within several hundred yards of my presence. I will suffer no jackanapes or ladykillers who cock their caps to one side and think they can take advantage of a frail yet vastly wealthy old man. And if you offer to bathe me I'll sic the mastiff on you. I've since learned to see through that ruse.

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