Burt Reynolds Lives Like a Princess

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

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ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

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Burt Reynolds Lives Like a Princess

I've interviewed scores of Hollywood stars, but I never took them at anything more than face value, especially Burt Reynolds. I never guessed the truth behind this model of masculinity, whose virile mustache has lit a fire in the dreams of countless lovelorn. But who would have guessed that his mustache hides a pretty pout? Who would have guessed that Burt Reynolds, manly star of Cannonball Run and Sharky's Machine, lives like a princess?

When I pull into the driveway of Burt's oceanfront mansion, I expect to be greeted at the door by Burt and perhaps be offered a beer. Instead, I'm escorted down chandelier-lit hallways by a wigged man in a frock coat and tights, who explains to me in hushed tones that certain preparations are still being made. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a chamber filled with bustling attendants, running to and fro in a storm of perfume and hairbrushes. In the center of the room sits a figure in a silk corset whose face is hidden from me. I am moved along.

As I wait in the garden outside, I enjoy the blooming roses and the rushing water of a splendid fountain. I sip peppermint tea, and cool garden breezes caress my skin. But these luxuries are quickly forgotten as the air is filled with the dulcet soprano voice of Burt Reynolds, singing softly.

After a rustle of petticoats announces his appearance, Burt steps into the garden. Resplendent in a pink velvet gown, he extends a bejeweled hand. "Enchanté," he whispers, and we sit in the shade of a spreading magnolia.

"I'd like to show you something," he says, pulling a flower from an ornate golden case. "This is a magic blossom—with one sniff, you can smell what anyone in the kingdom is cooking! Would you believe I got it from a swineherd for 10 kisses?" We both laugh over this charming anecdote. But when I ask about his past, Burt grows solemn.

"I had three older sisters who hated me, for I was the prettiest child," he says. "They made me slave away in the kitchen, and called me names. Horrible names, like 'stupid goose' and 'scullery girl.' I longed to escape from that life, and with the financial success of Smokey and the Bandit, I did."

"I am happy," he says, with a touch of sadness in his voice. "But sometimes I wonder what the world is like beyond my garden wall."

After gifting me with one more lovely song, Burt regretfully announces he is retiring. I join him half an hour later in his private bedchamber.

He begins to thank me for coming, but is distracted by some sort of discomfort. Even with a dozen mattresses piled on his canopy bed, he cannot relax. Melancholy swells from his pretty eyes as he weakly tosses and turns. Suddenly, his problem becomes clear to me. I carefully reach underneath the mattresses and pull out a single pea.

Gratitude floods Burt's face, and he allows me to kiss his hand before he sinks into slumber. I am led to the front gate, where a carriage awaits me. I am filled with sadness at leaving Burt Reynolds, and I find myself wishing I could stay with this precious soul in his castle by the sea forever.

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