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Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All!

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All!

Item! One of the stars of the hit reality series Keeping Up With The Kardashanians just had a baby! That's right, Karen is a mom. This is a double relief to me. First of all, it's always a joyous occasion when someone has a baby. Second, since I never got around to watching the show, I didn't know why they were always in the news. I assumed it was because the Kardashanians were terrorists. Who could blame me? That name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. It sounds a little weird. Sinister, even. But now that Kate is a mother, that clears the air, because we all know that mothers cannot be terrorists. I'm not sure who the father is, but unless he's Osama bin Laden, I think we can stop worrying and let them get back to their lives doing whatever it is that kept them off television in the first place. Congratulations, whoever!

Now that the elections are behind us, can we agree that there's no red states and no blue states? There's just one states: The United ones.

Item! If you're looking to be filled with glee, look no further than the TV show Glee, and no one is better at cracking me up on that show than Jayne Linch. Her tracksuits and dry delivery leaving me howling—in perfect pitch, mind you—with laughter! My only complaint is that they waste too much time on story. If I wanted to watch a story, I'd watch Cougar Town. More songs! More Jayne! Less everything else!

Here's a Jackie Harvey Note To Ponder: Why is it that there are only seven Harry Popper books, but there are EIGHT movies? Is Hollywood messing with the classics by adding in some extra characters? I hope not. There are too many to keep track of now.

Item! Isn't it high time that The Beach Boys Mike Love buried the hatchet with singer and dress-wearer Courtney Love? Just think of the harmonies!

Nothing makes you feel more like a lumberjack than a flannel shirt and a couple days without a shave. I didn't shave for four days last month, and I'll tell you, my face itched like crazy. I don't know how they do it. Kudos to lumberjacks, the real American heroes!

Item! It looks like the television star Charlie Sheen has "Two And A Half Problems" on his hands right now. As if he didn't have enough to deal with, my sources report that the former better half of actress Denise Richardson was seen ripping up a parking ticket on his Mazda outside a swank Beverly Hills eatery. That's just going too far. Nobody likes getting tickets, Charlie. Join the "breakfast club"! The thing is, people look up to you, and if one of your fans sees you rip up a ticket, what do you think he's going to do next time he gets one? Only HE can't afford the big-shot lawyers you have. So next time, take a deep breath and think of the fans.

Don't be afraid to put a little money into a good pair of shoes. They last twice as long as a cheap pair, and you'll have singing feet instead of barking dogs on your hands. Or feet.

I was hoping to have a review of the new Conan show, but I forgot to pay my last cable bill, and it got cut off. What can I say? Sometimes, I get bogged down with the little things and forget about the big picture (tube). Anyway, I'll just say that it was probably really funny, and full of the great characters and funny voices we've come to expect from Team Cocoa.

I used to say chocolate, but as I get older, I think vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor. Maybe I'm maturing?

I think Tom Bergeron doesn't get enough credit as the hardest-working man on television. Is there no cheaply made show he can't adequately host?

Well, that about wraps it up for this installment of The Outside Scoop. I have a pretty good story about the origins of the catch phrase from The Big Bang Theory "Bazinga!" (Hint: A certain entertainment reporter used to say it or something like it in college), but it will have to wait for next time. Until then, I'll keep a seat open for you, right here, in the aisle, of the Outside!

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