Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All!

Item! One of the stars of the hit reality series Keeping Up With The Kardashanians just had a baby! That's right, Karen is a mom. This is a double relief to me. First of all, it's always a joyous occasion when someone has a baby. Second, since I never got around to watching the show, I didn't know why they were always in the news. I assumed it was because the Kardashanians were terrorists. Who could blame me? That name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. It sounds a little weird. Sinister, even. But now that Kate is a mother, that clears the air, because we all know that mothers cannot be terrorists. I'm not sure who the father is, but unless he's Osama bin Laden, I think we can stop worrying and let them get back to their lives doing whatever it is that kept them off television in the first place. Congratulations, whoever!

Now that the elections are behind us, can we agree that there's no red states and no blue states? There's just one states: The United ones.

Item! If you're looking to be filled with glee, look no further than the TV show Glee, and no one is better at cracking me up on that show than Jayne Linch. Her tracksuits and dry delivery leaving me howling—in perfect pitch, mind you—with laughter! My only complaint is that they waste too much time on story. If I wanted to watch a story, I'd watch Cougar Town. More songs! More Jayne! Less everything else!

Here's a Jackie Harvey Note To Ponder: Why is it that there are only seven Harry Popper books, but there are EIGHT movies? Is Hollywood messing with the classics by adding in some extra characters? I hope not. There are too many to keep track of now.

Item! Isn't it high time that The Beach Boys Mike Love buried the hatchet with singer and dress-wearer Courtney Love? Just think of the harmonies!

Nothing makes you feel more like a lumberjack than a flannel shirt and a couple days without a shave. I didn't shave for four days last month, and I'll tell you, my face itched like crazy. I don't know how they do it. Kudos to lumberjacks, the real American heroes!

Item! It looks like the television star Charlie Sheen has "Two And A Half Problems" on his hands right now. As if he didn't have enough to deal with, my sources report that the former better half of actress Denise Richardson was seen ripping up a parking ticket on his Mazda outside a swank Beverly Hills eatery. That's just going too far. Nobody likes getting tickets, Charlie. Join the "breakfast club"! The thing is, people look up to you, and if one of your fans sees you rip up a ticket, what do you think he's going to do next time he gets one? Only HE can't afford the big-shot lawyers you have. So next time, take a deep breath and think of the fans.

Don't be afraid to put a little money into a good pair of shoes. They last twice as long as a cheap pair, and you'll have singing feet instead of barking dogs on your hands. Or feet.

I was hoping to have a review of the new Conan show, but I forgot to pay my last cable bill, and it got cut off. What can I say? Sometimes, I get bogged down with the little things and forget about the big picture (tube). Anyway, I'll just say that it was probably really funny, and full of the great characters and funny voices we've come to expect from Team Cocoa.

I used to say chocolate, but as I get older, I think vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor. Maybe I'm maturing?

I think Tom Bergeron doesn't get enough credit as the hardest-working man on television. Is there no cheaply made show he can't adequately host?

Well, that about wraps it up for this installment of The Outside Scoop. I have a pretty good story about the origins of the catch phrase from The Big Bang Theory "Bazinga!" (Hint: A certain entertainment reporter used to say it or something like it in college), but it will have to wait for next time. Until then, I'll keep a seat open for you, right here, in the aisle, of the Outside!