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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All!

Item! One of the stars of the hit reality series Keeping Up With The Kardashanians just had a baby! That's right, Karen is a mom. This is a double relief to me. First of all, it's always a joyous occasion when someone has a baby. Second, since I never got around to watching the show, I didn't know why they were always in the news. I assumed it was because the Kardashanians were terrorists. Who could blame me? That name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. It sounds a little weird. Sinister, even. But now that Kate is a mother, that clears the air, because we all know that mothers cannot be terrorists. I'm not sure who the father is, but unless he's Osama bin Laden, I think we can stop worrying and let them get back to their lives doing whatever it is that kept them off television in the first place. Congratulations, whoever!

Now that the elections are behind us, can we agree that there's no red states and no blue states? There's just one states: The United ones.

Item! If you're looking to be filled with glee, look no further than the TV show Glee, and no one is better at cracking me up on that show than Jayne Linch. Her tracksuits and dry delivery leaving me howling—in perfect pitch, mind you—with laughter! My only complaint is that they waste too much time on story. If I wanted to watch a story, I'd watch Cougar Town. More songs! More Jayne! Less everything else!

Here's a Jackie Harvey Note To Ponder: Why is it that there are only seven Harry Popper books, but there are EIGHT movies? Is Hollywood messing with the classics by adding in some extra characters? I hope not. There are too many to keep track of now.

Item! Isn't it high time that The Beach Boys Mike Love buried the hatchet with singer and dress-wearer Courtney Love? Just think of the harmonies!

Nothing makes you feel more like a lumberjack than a flannel shirt and a couple days without a shave. I didn't shave for four days last month, and I'll tell you, my face itched like crazy. I don't know how they do it. Kudos to lumberjacks, the real American heroes!

Item! It looks like the television star Charlie Sheen has "Two And A Half Problems" on his hands right now. As if he didn't have enough to deal with, my sources report that the former better half of actress Denise Richardson was seen ripping up a parking ticket on his Mazda outside a swank Beverly Hills eatery. That's just going too far. Nobody likes getting tickets, Charlie. Join the "breakfast club"! The thing is, people look up to you, and if one of your fans sees you rip up a ticket, what do you think he's going to do next time he gets one? Only HE can't afford the big-shot lawyers you have. So next time, take a deep breath and think of the fans.

Don't be afraid to put a little money into a good pair of shoes. They last twice as long as a cheap pair, and you'll have singing feet instead of barking dogs on your hands. Or feet.

I was hoping to have a review of the new Conan show, but I forgot to pay my last cable bill, and it got cut off. What can I say? Sometimes, I get bogged down with the little things and forget about the big picture (tube). Anyway, I'll just say that it was probably really funny, and full of the great characters and funny voices we've come to expect from Team Cocoa.

I used to say chocolate, but as I get older, I think vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor. Maybe I'm maturing?

I think Tom Bergeron doesn't get enough credit as the hardest-working man on television. Is there no cheaply made show he can't adequately host?

Well, that about wraps it up for this installment of The Outside Scoop. I have a pretty good story about the origins of the catch phrase from The Big Bang Theory "Bazinga!" (Hint: A certain entertainment reporter used to say it or something like it in college), but it will have to wait for next time. Until then, I'll keep a seat open for you, right here, in the aisle, of the Outside!

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