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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman?

Excuse me, kind sir. I’m sorry to trouble you, but I wonder if you might be willing to assist me in a rather delicate matter. You see, I am in the market for a first-rate documentary concerning the events of the Second World War, but I have not been able to determine whether you stock any titles that would suit my particular needs. As you perhaps have already deduced, I have certain, shall we say, unique requirements that must be accommodated—especially when it comes to documentaries exploring the 20th century’s most pivotal and storied international conflict.

Simply put, might you be able to recommend a top-notch WWII documentary for the more ample gentleman?

As you may well assume, shopping for balanced, meticulously researched documentary works featuring archival footage and firsthand accounts concerning the battles and military tacticians of this war can prove challenging for a man of my dimensions. I have patronized other outlets, of course, but even among these purveyors’ selection of films probing such fascinating topics as the leadership of Winston Churchill and Germany’s mighty Panzer tank arsenal, there exist precious few options for the—how shall I put it?—more prodigious customer.

I am considerably more substantial than your typical patron, you understand.

Granted, you possess an estimable selection of DVDs perfectly suited for a slimmer clientele: The Trials Of J. Robert Oppenheimer, Battlefield Russia: The Eastern Front, and so forth—doubtlessly fine films all, but none of which is sufficient for my more voluminous frame. Know that I am by no means seeking special treatment; I require only an informative, multi-part documentary on the momentous clash between the Allied and Axis forces that properly corresponds to my, what we shall call for lack of a better term, generous proportions.

Please appreciate that this is an obstacle that I have encountered in the past, and one that I, as someone who could not inaccurately be described as a more abounding figure, have been unable to surmount thus far. My past efforts to acquire an exhaustive chronology of the decisive battles of the European theater have found only the usual assortment of releases more befitting a leaner World War II enthusiast. If you could suggest a film that delved into the fastidious preparation and skillful execution of the Normandy landings that was more commodious for my heft, I would be most deeply indebted to you.

You appear to be a gentleman built somewhat like myself. I hope I’m not taking liberties in assuming that you, dear merchant, may have faced challenges similar to my own. Might I inquire if you, personally, have located a fine documentary about the D-Day invasion—or, perhaps, the Vichy government collaboration—that complemented your, let us come right out and say it, fuller carriage?

Alas, I see that there are no wares here geared toward a man of my expanse. That is a disappointment, but at this moment I feel I should take my leave, for I do not mean to inconvenience you any more than I already have with my unusually direct line of questioning. Understand that I simply am unused to shying away from the fact that I am in need of an immersive, well-crafted documentary that serves my appreciable breadth. I will trouble you no further, good sir, and I thank you very much for your assistance.

And yes, the Reese’s Cups and pornographic DVDs will be all.

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