adBlockCheck

Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman?

Excuse me, kind sir. I’m sorry to trouble you, but I wonder if you might be willing to assist me in a rather delicate matter. You see, I am in the market for a first-rate documentary concerning the events of the Second World War, but I have not been able to determine whether you stock any titles that would suit my particular needs. As you perhaps have already deduced, I have certain, shall we say, unique requirements that must be accommodated—especially when it comes to documentaries exploring the 20th century’s most pivotal and storied international conflict.

Simply put, might you be able to recommend a top-notch WWII documentary for the more ample gentleman?

As you may well assume, shopping for balanced, meticulously researched documentary works featuring archival footage and firsthand accounts concerning the battles and military tacticians of this war can prove challenging for a man of my dimensions. I have patronized other outlets, of course, but even among these purveyors’ selection of films probing such fascinating topics as the leadership of Winston Churchill and Germany’s mighty Panzer tank arsenal, there exist precious few options for the—how shall I put it?—more prodigious customer.

I am considerably more substantial than your typical patron, you understand.

Granted, you possess an estimable selection of DVDs perfectly suited for a slimmer clientele: The Trials Of J. Robert Oppenheimer, Battlefield Russia: The Eastern Front, and so forth—doubtlessly fine films all, but none of which is sufficient for my more voluminous frame. Know that I am by no means seeking special treatment; I require only an informative, multi-part documentary on the momentous clash between the Allied and Axis forces that properly corresponds to my, what we shall call for lack of a better term, generous proportions.

Please appreciate that this is an obstacle that I have encountered in the past, and one that I, as someone who could not inaccurately be described as a more abounding figure, have been unable to surmount thus far. My past efforts to acquire an exhaustive chronology of the decisive battles of the European theater have found only the usual assortment of releases more befitting a leaner World War II enthusiast. If you could suggest a film that delved into the fastidious preparation and skillful execution of the Normandy landings that was more commodious for my heft, I would be most deeply indebted to you.

You appear to be a gentleman built somewhat like myself. I hope I’m not taking liberties in assuming that you, dear merchant, may have faced challenges similar to my own. Might I inquire if you, personally, have located a fine documentary about the D-Day invasion—or, perhaps, the Vichy government collaboration—that complemented your, let us come right out and say it, fuller carriage?

Alas, I see that there are no wares here geared toward a man of my expanse. That is a disappointment, but at this moment I feel I should take my leave, for I do not mean to inconvenience you any more than I already have with my unusually direct line of questioning. Understand that I simply am unused to shying away from the fact that I am in need of an immersive, well-crafted documentary that serves my appreciable breadth. I will trouble you no further, good sir, and I thank you very much for your assistance.

And yes, the Reese’s Cups and pornographic DVDs will be all.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close