Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 03

Irish Wake A Blur

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about remembering all the good times with Joe," said friend Patrick Monaghan, attempting to piece together details of the event Sunday. "Exactly which good times we remembered are lost to me now." Seamus McNamara agreed, saying, "I mainly recall making a lot of toasts and downing pint after pint of Guinness. Good ol' Joe."

Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their orders. "We ordered a heck of a lot of stuff," diner Dennis Bernardo told his dining companions. "You think she'll actually remember the 'no olives' in Bob's Greek salad? And my request for marinara sauce instead of alfredo on my pasta? I'm sure she knows what she's doing, but I still kinda wish she'd written it down." Fellow diner Sandi Slocum said she was going to add a Coke to her order just as the waitress was leaving, but opted not to for fear of "complicating things."

Annoying Coworker Precedes All Nouns With 'Quite The'

WICHITA, KS–Wichita Gas & Electric payroll secretary Patti Smolensk has thoroughly irritated coworkers with her habit of prefacing all nouns with "quite the," WG&E sources reported Monday. "She said, 'That's quite the mug you've got there' when I walked into the breakroom with a snowman-shaped mug," file clerk Cassie Taylor said. "And on Monday, she was talking about how she threw 'quite the shindig' over the weekend." Said sales representative Dianne White, whom Smolensk called "quite the sleepyhead" when she recently showed up half an hour late for work: "I'm gonna give her quite the punch in the face if she doesn't knock it off."

Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay

ALBEMARLE, NC–The sexual identity of Super Bowl viewer Henry Bracken was challenged Sunday, when a slow-motion instant replay showed the sinewy buttocks of Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis undulating hypnotically through his high-sheen spandex pants. Bracken, 41, was watching the game at his Albemarle home when he became momentarily transfixed by the sight of Lewis' gluteal musculature rippling explosively as the player made a sharp cut to avoid a tackler. "I ain't gay," said Bracken upon snapping out of the trance, during which he tried not to notice the lines of Lewis' jock strap framing his powerful, magnificently sculpted ass. "I just ain't."

Rock's First Billionaire

With a net worth estimated at $1.07 billion, Paul McCartney recently became the word's first billionaire pop star. Among the former Beatle's holdings:

Hillary In 2004?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in 2004. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Originality

Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Rumors have it that both of them were unhappy with the other's ballooning weight, so they decided to split before the situation got worse. For a while, this couple had it all: looks, money, and a commitment to numerous important causes. But, like so many Hollywood clouds, this one had a dark lining.

As if that weren't bad enough, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are rumored to be on the outs. There's really no explanation for something like that. Puffy and J-Lo were America's perfect pair, he of the electric personality and she of the triple-threat talent. Just imagine the babies they could have had together. It could have been the start of an entertainment dynasty.

But wait, there's yet another glamour couple in trouble: Helen Hunt and her husband. Word is, if their relationship were a drink, it would be on the rocks! Say it ain't so, H.H.!

Item! The people have spoken and, as always, the people's voice is The People's Choice Awards! I don't know how many eyes were glued to the television that night, but you sure couldn't tear these two eyeballs away from it. All the stars came out to celebrate the will of the people. Jim Carrey! Drew Carey! And who could forget America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts? Right from the get-go, when co-host Britney Spears unexpectedly tore away her dowdy dress to reveal a super-sexy, belly-baring ensemble, I was riveted. I thought rapper LL Cool J was going to faint from surprise!

But the most touching moment came when John Goodman "came out" and accepted his award for Best New Comedy for the Fox gay-com Normal, Ohio. Even though the show had been canceled, he handled himself with the kind of bravery and poise that only a real star could pull off. I usually don't wear hats, but I will put one on just so I can tip it to you, Mr. Goodman.

Congratulations to the folks behind the Terminator 2 DVD, recently voted the number-four DVD of all-time in Entertainment Weekly.

Item! Speaking of Britney Spears, magician Harry Blackstone released his list of the Year's Worst Dressed, and she was on it. Now, I think Britney may make a few mistakes with her wardrobe, but I can think of a few gals who should come in well below her. Like Marge, the cashier over at the Amoco station near my house. Her awful blouse-and-sweatpants combos make Britney look like Audrey Hepburn! Mr. Blackstone was right on the money about that nasty Courtney Love, though. I don't even know why she's famous, but I just wish she'd go away already and leave fame to the beautiful people.

I just can't get the song from that zoom-zoom-zoom commercial out of my head. Help!

The X-Files has really taken a turn for the worse since they got the liquid-mercury man to fill in for David Duchovny. Word is that Duchovny and singer/wife Teena Marie are concentrating on raising their child. I just hope they remember that children aren't the only ones with needs... their fans have needs, too!

What's this Tinker, Tiger, Soldier, Dragon movie I hear so much about? Is it true there's no English in the entire thing? That's crazy.

Item! "Material Mom Madonna Married!" That's what we in the scoop-getting business call a dream come true. It's also a fine example of alliteration. Now, Webster's Dictionary defines alliteration as, "The repetition of the same letter at the beginning of two or more words immediately succeeding each other, or at short intervals." So, it didn't have to be all M's. The headline could have read, "Material Mom Madonna Gets Married!" and it still would have been alliteration. Wordplay is my favorite part of this job. But, yes, Madonna married a British director and it was very splendid.

Temptation Island... temp-tational! Tongues are a-waggin' across America over the tropical exploits of these four sexy young couples and the sexy singles designed to tempt them! Episode Three saw things heat up between hunky everyman Billy and Perfect 10 model Vanessa as they drank fruity margaritas and flirted. Meanwhile, Billy's girlfriend Mandy got back at him by having lots of fun on her date, drinking fruity margaritas and flirting! Which couple will be left standing in Episode 32? Only time will tell!

Item! Separated at birth? Rapper ODB (which stands for something a bit vulgar) and deeply talented actor Morton Downey Jr. were both captured by the long arm of the law within the same day. Did one tip the cops off to the other? Was there some sort of drug pact going on? Are the rumors about ODB's acting aspirations true? Is Downey marked for death? The rumors are swirling, and it will take a while, but trust yours truly to sift through the lies to bring you the truth.

So it turns out that computers weren't all the rage, after all! Go figure.

Item! She stole your heart in Almost Famous, but actress Kate Hawn is now married to a long-haired rock musician from The Black Crows. I guess she wasn't really acting when she portrayed a slavering groupie to a rock band of questionable talent. I don't get it: What's a red-hot Hollywood star like Hawn doing with a homely guitar goon like that? She should be with Leonardo DiCaprio or someone like that. That way, when she appeared at a gala movie premiere, photographers would get excited about shooting both of them, instead of just her.

PlayStation 2? I barely have time to keep up with my Furby!

As ever, it saddens me greatly to say goodbye to another edition of The Outside Scoop. But if you know me, you know that until my next column, I'll be a bloodhound sniffing out the scoop for you to drink in like a fine wine. By the way, that last sentence was a simile. See? Who says learning can't be fun? Until next time, I'll be sitting in the aisle on the outside!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More