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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Rumors have it that both of them were unhappy with the other's ballooning weight, so they decided to split before the situation got worse. For a while, this couple had it all: looks, money, and a commitment to numerous important causes. But, like so many Hollywood clouds, this one had a dark lining.

As if that weren't bad enough, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are rumored to be on the outs. There's really no explanation for something like that. Puffy and J-Lo were America's perfect pair, he of the electric personality and she of the triple-threat talent. Just imagine the babies they could have had together. It could have been the start of an entertainment dynasty.

But wait, there's yet another glamour couple in trouble: Helen Hunt and her husband. Word is, if their relationship were a drink, it would be on the rocks! Say it ain't so, H.H.!

Item! The people have spoken and, as always, the people's voice is The People's Choice Awards! I don't know how many eyes were glued to the television that night, but you sure couldn't tear these two eyeballs away from it. All the stars came out to celebrate the will of the people. Jim Carrey! Drew Carey! And who could forget America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts? Right from the get-go, when co-host Britney Spears unexpectedly tore away her dowdy dress to reveal a super-sexy, belly-baring ensemble, I was riveted. I thought rapper LL Cool J was going to faint from surprise!

But the most touching moment came when John Goodman "came out" and accepted his award for Best New Comedy for the Fox gay-com Normal, Ohio. Even though the show had been canceled, he handled himself with the kind of bravery and poise that only a real star could pull off. I usually don't wear hats, but I will put one on just so I can tip it to you, Mr. Goodman.

Congratulations to the folks behind the Terminator 2 DVD, recently voted the number-four DVD of all-time in Entertainment Weekly.

Item! Speaking of Britney Spears, magician Harry Blackstone released his list of the Year's Worst Dressed, and she was on it. Now, I think Britney may make a few mistakes with her wardrobe, but I can think of a few gals who should come in well below her. Like Marge, the cashier over at the Amoco station near my house. Her awful blouse-and-sweatpants combos make Britney look like Audrey Hepburn! Mr. Blackstone was right on the money about that nasty Courtney Love, though. I don't even know why she's famous, but I just wish she'd go away already and leave fame to the beautiful people.

I just can't get the song from that zoom-zoom-zoom commercial out of my head. Help!

The X-Files has really taken a turn for the worse since they got the liquid-mercury man to fill in for David Duchovny. Word is that Duchovny and singer/wife Teena Marie are concentrating on raising their child. I just hope they remember that children aren't the only ones with needs... their fans have needs, too!

What's this Tinker, Tiger, Soldier, Dragon movie I hear so much about? Is it true there's no English in the entire thing? That's crazy.

Item! "Material Mom Madonna Married!" That's what we in the scoop-getting business call a dream come true. It's also a fine example of alliteration. Now, Webster's Dictionary defines alliteration as, "The repetition of the same letter at the beginning of two or more words immediately succeeding each other, or at short intervals." So, it didn't have to be all M's. The headline could have read, "Material Mom Madonna Gets Married!" and it still would have been alliteration. Wordplay is my favorite part of this job. But, yes, Madonna married a British director and it was very splendid.

Temptation Island... temp-tational! Tongues are a-waggin' across America over the tropical exploits of these four sexy young couples and the sexy singles designed to tempt them! Episode Three saw things heat up between hunky everyman Billy and Perfect 10 model Vanessa as they drank fruity margaritas and flirted. Meanwhile, Billy's girlfriend Mandy got back at him by having lots of fun on her date, drinking fruity margaritas and flirting! Which couple will be left standing in Episode 32? Only time will tell!

Item! Separated at birth? Rapper ODB (which stands for something a bit vulgar) and deeply talented actor Morton Downey Jr. were both captured by the long arm of the law within the same day. Did one tip the cops off to the other? Was there some sort of drug pact going on? Are the rumors about ODB's acting aspirations true? Is Downey marked for death? The rumors are swirling, and it will take a while, but trust yours truly to sift through the lies to bring you the truth.

So it turns out that computers weren't all the rage, after all! Go figure.

Item! She stole your heart in Almost Famous, but actress Kate Hawn is now married to a long-haired rock musician from The Black Crows. I guess she wasn't really acting when she portrayed a slavering groupie to a rock band of questionable talent. I don't get it: What's a red-hot Hollywood star like Hawn doing with a homely guitar goon like that? She should be with Leonardo DiCaprio or someone like that. That way, when she appeared at a gala movie premiere, photographers would get excited about shooting both of them, instead of just her.

PlayStation 2? I barely have time to keep up with my Furby!

As ever, it saddens me greatly to say goodbye to another edition of The Outside Scoop. But if you know me, you know that until my next column, I'll be a bloodhound sniffing out the scoop for you to drink in like a fine wine. By the way, that last sentence was a simile. See? Who says learning can't be fun? Until next time, I'll be sitting in the aisle on the outside!

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