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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Rumors have it that both of them were unhappy with the other's ballooning weight, so they decided to split before the situation got worse. For a while, this couple had it all: looks, money, and a commitment to numerous important causes. But, like so many Hollywood clouds, this one had a dark lining.

As if that weren't bad enough, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are rumored to be on the outs. There's really no explanation for something like that. Puffy and J-Lo were America's perfect pair, he of the electric personality and she of the triple-threat talent. Just imagine the babies they could have had together. It could have been the start of an entertainment dynasty.

But wait, there's yet another glamour couple in trouble: Helen Hunt and her husband. Word is, if their relationship were a drink, it would be on the rocks! Say it ain't so, H.H.!

Item! The people have spoken and, as always, the people's voice is The People's Choice Awards! I don't know how many eyes were glued to the television that night, but you sure couldn't tear these two eyeballs away from it. All the stars came out to celebrate the will of the people. Jim Carrey! Drew Carey! And who could forget America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts? Right from the get-go, when co-host Britney Spears unexpectedly tore away her dowdy dress to reveal a super-sexy, belly-baring ensemble, I was riveted. I thought rapper LL Cool J was going to faint from surprise!

But the most touching moment came when John Goodman "came out" and accepted his award for Best New Comedy for the Fox gay-com Normal, Ohio. Even though the show had been canceled, he handled himself with the kind of bravery and poise that only a real star could pull off. I usually don't wear hats, but I will put one on just so I can tip it to you, Mr. Goodman.

Congratulations to the folks behind the Terminator 2 DVD, recently voted the number-four DVD of all-time in Entertainment Weekly.

Item! Speaking of Britney Spears, magician Harry Blackstone released his list of the Year's Worst Dressed, and she was on it. Now, I think Britney may make a few mistakes with her wardrobe, but I can think of a few gals who should come in well below her. Like Marge, the cashier over at the Amoco station near my house. Her awful blouse-and-sweatpants combos make Britney look like Audrey Hepburn! Mr. Blackstone was right on the money about that nasty Courtney Love, though. I don't even know why she's famous, but I just wish she'd go away already and leave fame to the beautiful people.

I just can't get the song from that zoom-zoom-zoom commercial out of my head. Help!

The X-Files has really taken a turn for the worse since they got the liquid-mercury man to fill in for David Duchovny. Word is that Duchovny and singer/wife Teena Marie are concentrating on raising their child. I just hope they remember that children aren't the only ones with needs... their fans have needs, too!

What's this Tinker, Tiger, Soldier, Dragon movie I hear so much about? Is it true there's no English in the entire thing? That's crazy.

Item! "Material Mom Madonna Married!" That's what we in the scoop-getting business call a dream come true. It's also a fine example of alliteration. Now, Webster's Dictionary defines alliteration as, "The repetition of the same letter at the beginning of two or more words immediately succeeding each other, or at short intervals." So, it didn't have to be all M's. The headline could have read, "Material Mom Madonna Gets Married!" and it still would have been alliteration. Wordplay is my favorite part of this job. But, yes, Madonna married a British director and it was very splendid.

Temptation Island... temp-tational! Tongues are a-waggin' across America over the tropical exploits of these four sexy young couples and the sexy singles designed to tempt them! Episode Three saw things heat up between hunky everyman Billy and Perfect 10 model Vanessa as they drank fruity margaritas and flirted. Meanwhile, Billy's girlfriend Mandy got back at him by having lots of fun on her date, drinking fruity margaritas and flirting! Which couple will be left standing in Episode 32? Only time will tell!

Item! Separated at birth? Rapper ODB (which stands for something a bit vulgar) and deeply talented actor Morton Downey Jr. were both captured by the long arm of the law within the same day. Did one tip the cops off to the other? Was there some sort of drug pact going on? Are the rumors about ODB's acting aspirations true? Is Downey marked for death? The rumors are swirling, and it will take a while, but trust yours truly to sift through the lies to bring you the truth.

So it turns out that computers weren't all the rage, after all! Go figure.

Item! She stole your heart in Almost Famous, but actress Kate Hawn is now married to a long-haired rock musician from The Black Crows. I guess she wasn't really acting when she portrayed a slavering groupie to a rock band of questionable talent. I don't get it: What's a red-hot Hollywood star like Hawn doing with a homely guitar goon like that? She should be with Leonardo DiCaprio or someone like that. That way, when she appeared at a gala movie premiere, photographers would get excited about shooting both of them, instead of just her.

PlayStation 2? I barely have time to keep up with my Furby!

As ever, it saddens me greatly to say goodbye to another edition of The Outside Scoop. But if you know me, you know that until my next column, I'll be a bloodhound sniffing out the scoop for you to drink in like a fine wine. By the way, that last sentence was a simile. See? Who says learning can't be fun? Until next time, I'll be sitting in the aisle on the outside!

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