Cheer Up, All You Loveless Singles!

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Vol 40 Issue 06

That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled.

Household Death Toll Climbs To One

NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.

New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base

WASHINGTON, DC—A NASA poll conducted to gauge support for President Bush's space-exploration initiative revealed that a depressing 57 percent of Americans believe that the U.S. already has a research base on the moon. "We put that international space-station thing up there in the '60s," phone-poll respondent Randy Snow said. "It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?" NASA officials said they hope someday to make Americans' perception a reality.

Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran

TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Cheer Up, All You Loveless Singles!

I don't know if there's something in the water, but my town has exploded with tons of single people! Just last year, practically the only eligibles I knew were my divorced friend Patti, my bud Fulgencio, hubby Rick's barfly pal Craig, and Jimmy the pizza delivery guy. But now, I find out that my cousin Michelle is leaving her second husband, and a recent chit-chat with my building's manager Sandy revealed that she hasn't had a serious relationship in almost five years! Besides that, at least five suspected singletons have moved into my building since June. Five!

For an incurable romantic like me, this is heartbreaking. People are meant to have sweeties! I feel soooo sorry for single people. How can they bear going through life alone? I know a lot of them put up that "independent" front, or use that "I'm just waiting for the right person" defense, but they're kidding themselves. Why would anyone turn up her nose at the prospect of a beautiful wedding, a gorgeous bridal gown, and a stunning rock on her finger? She wouldn't. Why would anyone shake a stick at a warm dinner every night, a comfortable home, and a beautiful bride? It just isn't rational. And I don't like to be harsh, but frankly, it's depressing to see singles out in public. When I see a girl shopping for groceries by herself, or a solitary guy reading while he waits for a bus, I can't help but sense the hollowness that single person feels inside. I'm partially psychic, so I'm attuned to other people's inner feelings.

Well, this Valentine's Day, I'm not going to be selfish. People like me, people in successful, lasting relationships, are duty-bound to share their romantic wisdom with the less fortunate. Granted, it's been a while since I've been on the dating scene, so my chops are a bit rusty. In fact, hubby Rick is just about the only guy I've ever dated! (Unless you count my pick for the Sadie Hawkins dance in seventh grade, Jordy DeVoe, who ditched me after about 15 minutes. Or this Oriental kid named Thant who wrapped love notes around lunchroom cookies and slipped them into my locker in ninth grade.) But Rick and I have been married nearly 20 years, so I must be doing something right. Dry those tears, Singletons! Pull yourselves together and listen to Wifey Jean. If you follow my advice, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that you'll find your Prince Charming, or Princess Enchanting, in no time!

First of all, don't sell yourself short! You may think you have no chance with that special someone, but faith and persistence can pay off big! I'm going to dip pretty deep in the old memory bank here and tell you a story about how Rick and I got together, way back in high school.

Now, when I was 16, I guess I wasn't your typical kid. Let's just say that I deviated from the norm a little. (I don't believe in using the term "nerd," because I don't like put-down language.) While other girls had bleached, feathered hair and slashes of blush across their cheeks, I had a unique sense of personal style. Every day of my junior year, I wore a pair of rainbow suspenders, jeans rolled up to my knees, striped knee socks, and a newsboy cap. I looked very tomboyish, but at least there was no mistaking me for some dull Daisy Duke clone!

My future soulmate Rick was part of that elite crowd of hunks known as the "jocks." Yep, old hubby Rick was on the varsity wrestling squad and the bowling team. (True, the wrestling coach kept him on the bench most of the time, but Rick was one of the leading bowlers, and his team made regional semi-finals twice!)

Now, somebody like me wasn't even supposed to look at a jock, let alone date him. But Rick was best buds with my older brother Kevin, and he was at our house a lot, so I couldn't help but have eyes for him.

Unfortunately, Rick had eyes for someone else: Shanni, one of the cheerleaders (predictably feathered and blushed). He hung out by her locker between periods, and one weekend she went with my brother and him to Rick's uncle's place out in the country to drink Pabst and shoot skeet. If I were a quitter, I would've walked away and cried myself to sleep. But a little voice inside me told me to hang in there. (Told you I was psychic!)

One day after school, Rick and Kevin had plans to drive to Shanni's place and pick her up. An hour after they left, they pulled into our driveway—just the two of them, no Shanni. Rick had a dejected look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and Kevin said Shanni wasn't home. Rick lumbered around a little, but then his mood changed. He announced that he wasn't going to let "some [w]itch" spoil his fun and said he was going to his uncle's anyway. Then, he said something I'd been waiting to hear for months: "Jean, why don't you come? You look like a chick who could use a good time. Let's party."

I was on Cloud Nine! No one had ever called me a chick before! It made me feel good to finally have my femininity recognized. I later learned that Shanni liked the varsity quarterback Dennis, and that she only hung out with Rick because he always bought the beer and the pot. You see what I'm getting at here? If I'd given up and retreated to that "room of my own," Mrs. Rick Teasdale would have been someone else altogether! Later, Rick's dad caught us making whoopee in the backseat of Rick's car, and the rest, as they say, is history! This so-called "nerd" won her jock!

That's why my advice is: Don't be afraid to be romantic. Sometimes singles are afraid to make fools of themselves, so they act guarded on dates. Acting that way, it's no wonder you can't get a ring on your finger or a home-cooked meal! It snuffs the budding relationship right out. You gotta take risks to get the things you want. By keeping romance in the picture, you show the person just how special he or she is.

I can think of a hundred romantic things: a ride on one of those foot-powered paddleboats, a teddy bear placed beside someone's computer, a ride in a hot-air balloon (they have coupons for them in the ShoprSavr)... Or surprise your beloved with a table strewn with rose petals and a dinner you've prepared yourself—and, for dessert, have strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or better yet, plan a night in with champagne, expensive ice cream, and Ice Castles in the VCR! (Sigh...)

Now, admittedly, I've never experienced any of these things. But if the person you like is anything like me, he or she would deeply appreciate any of them.

And now, one final tip: Make sure to let your sweetheart know how much you care about him or her, in no uncertain terms, and as soon as possible. What are you waiting for? You'll have all the time in the world to get to know each other once that knot is tied, believe me!

Singles, stop thinking so much and start living. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so put my advice into action. And, should you be in the vicinity of Blossom Meadows Drive on February 15, let me know how it went. I'll be standing at my window, peeling the red paper hearts off the glass and putting them in storage.

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