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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one.... Eddie Albert—sheesh!.... Why doesn't the bank give out free toasters anymore?.... If a sad man wins a million dollars, will it make him happy?.... I always keep two suitcases and a shaving kit packed in case of sudden travelings.... Puppies.... There's two kinds of people in this world: the kind who pull off Band-Aids really slow.... If you're looking for a nice, quiet hobby, I wholeheartedly recommend calligraphy.... The craftsmanship and attention to detail in some of those model-railroad layouts are positively incredible.... The best thing I ever bought was this rubber covering mat for my keyboard.... I don't know about you, but I for one sure wish they'd turn some lights on.... If God in Heaven is ever looking for someone to run his Department of Sassy and Spunky, I would nominate that Rue McClanahan.... Somehow, I got all wet again.... Ricardo Montalban is the one person who really knows what he's talking about.... Martin Balsam may not be a household name, but he should be.... I love children, which is why I decided to get pregnant.... Don't eat Velveeta. It binds you up.... Those Mummenschanz fellas never cease to amaze.... No more X-rays, please.... When you look up George Washington in the dictionary, you will see a picture of George Washington, if you have a very, very good dictionary.... The best thing about the San Diego Zoo is all of the wonderful animals. Kudos to the San Diego Zoo.... Dearfoam slippers—I'll never wear shoes again.... Tom Clancy has done it again, that devil!.... I would like to shake the hand of the person who invented the turtleneck.... On a sunny Saturday, I love to go to a park, unless I'm coughing up blood.... Donuts. Some people don't like 'em, I like 'em.... Judy Garland, long may she wave.... There's nothing more romantic than L-O-V-E.... For me, you can't go wrong with six, maybe seven.... When you look up penguins in the zoo books, there's a picture of penguins.... Jimmy Stewart, Jimmy Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, and now George Clooney.... Someone told me Barbi Benton had a younger sister, but if you ask me, she doesn't need one.... Go ahead, caller. Go ahead, caller. I said go! Ahead! Caller!.... Elton John will be sorely missed.... I'll tell you what. You keep your mints, I'll stick with my gum.... If rock and roll is on the menu, I am at that concert or restaurant.... Has it only been 20 years since President Roosevelt was shot?.... If I have to rent a video, nine times out of ten I rent Strange Brew.... I saw a young girl bicycling yesterday.... Greenish-blue I think.... The smell of hot dogs and beer makes me feel 12 years old.... Juliet
Prowse
, now there was a set of gams. God rest her soul.... Kudos, Mrs. Clinton, you are truly a lady.... Children of all ages love the whimsical adventures of Peter Pan.... The other day I could have sworn I was about to cough up a lung.... Kudos to Joanie Loves Chachi's Erin Moran—bravo!.... I told you not to bother me at home, goddammit.... I never know how to turn one of these damn things off.... Every home should have a framed photo of Gates McFadden.... Dick Van Patten is a prince among men.... Whatever became of common courtesy?.... Who is that Encyclopedia Britannica kid? He's brilliant.... My mother was a statue.

Larry King's syndicated News & Viewscolumn appears every Monday in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me! is seen nightly on CNN.

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