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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one.... Eddie Albert—sheesh!.... Why doesn't the bank give out free toasters anymore?.... If a sad man wins a million dollars, will it make him happy?.... I always keep two suitcases and a shaving kit packed in case of sudden travelings.... Puppies.... There's two kinds of people in this world: the kind who pull off Band-Aids really slow.... If you're looking for a nice, quiet hobby, I wholeheartedly recommend calligraphy.... The craftsmanship and attention to detail in some of those model-railroad layouts are positively incredible.... The best thing I ever bought was this rubber covering mat for my keyboard.... I don't know about you, but I for one sure wish they'd turn some lights on.... If God in Heaven is ever looking for someone to run his Department of Sassy and Spunky, I would nominate that Rue McClanahan.... Somehow, I got all wet again.... Ricardo Montalban is the one person who really knows what he's talking about.... Martin Balsam may not be a household name, but he should be.... I love children, which is why I decided to get pregnant.... Don't eat Velveeta. It binds you up.... Those Mummenschanz fellas never cease to amaze.... No more X-rays, please.... When you look up George Washington in the dictionary, you will see a picture of George Washington, if you have a very, very good dictionary.... The best thing about the San Diego Zoo is all of the wonderful animals. Kudos to the San Diego Zoo.... Dearfoam slippers—I'll never wear shoes again.... Tom Clancy has done it again, that devil!.... I would like to shake the hand of the person who invented the turtleneck.... On a sunny Saturday, I love to go to a park, unless I'm coughing up blood.... Donuts. Some people don't like 'em, I like 'em.... Judy Garland, long may she wave.... There's nothing more romantic than L-O-V-E.... For me, you can't go wrong with six, maybe seven.... When you look up penguins in the zoo books, there's a picture of penguins.... Jimmy Stewart, Jimmy Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, and now George Clooney.... Someone told me Barbi Benton had a younger sister, but if you ask me, she doesn't need one.... Go ahead, caller. Go ahead, caller. I said go! Ahead! Caller!.... Elton John will be sorely missed.... I'll tell you what. You keep your mints, I'll stick with my gum.... If rock and roll is on the menu, I am at that concert or restaurant.... Has it only been 20 years since President Roosevelt was shot?.... If I have to rent a video, nine times out of ten I rent Strange Brew.... I saw a young girl bicycling yesterday.... Greenish-blue I think.... The smell of hot dogs and beer makes me feel 12 years old.... Juliet
Prowse
, now there was a set of gams. God rest her soul.... Kudos, Mrs. Clinton, you are truly a lady.... Children of all ages love the whimsical adventures of Peter Pan.... The other day I could have sworn I was about to cough up a lung.... Kudos to Joanie Loves Chachi's Erin Moran—bravo!.... I told you not to bother me at home, goddammit.... I never know how to turn one of these damn things off.... Every home should have a framed photo of Gates McFadden.... Dick Van Patten is a prince among men.... Whatever became of common courtesy?.... Who is that Encyclopedia Britannica kid? He's brilliant.... My mother was a statue.

Larry King's syndicated News & Viewscolumn appears every Monday in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me! is seen nightly on CNN.

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