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Vol 32 Issue 06

Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana, considered by many to be the world's most important person. According to reports, there have been no measurable changes in treaty alignments, trade agreements, defense budgets, poverty levels, international tariffs, taxation proposals, human-rights measures, world fiscal policy, education programs, deficit reduction, literacy rates, distribution of power, birth rates, public irrigation, disease research, pollution levels, distribution of wealth or any other major global trends since her death on Aug. 31. "I don't get it," said Oxford University professor Sir Jeremy Eton-Shropshire. "This is clearly one of the biggest news events of the century, yet it's almost as if the death of Diana is an event of no demonstrable significance."

Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film Festival by a squadron of Paramount Pictures troops Monday. "The movie industry has been liberated for all of blockbusterdom," said Sgt. Roy McCue of Paramount's 53rd Armored Division, announcing the raid. "The moviegoing public is finally safe from the independent filmmakers who are incapable of giving them the big-budget, computer-animated spectaculars they crave. No longer will confused, victimized movie lovers pay $6.50 to see films like In The Company Of Men, when films with budgets 25 times bigger, like Con Air, can be seen for the same price."

Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes those odds." Ehrlich, who has lost over $40,000 gambling in the past year, plans to regain the sum several times over in the next few hours via a "can't-miss" combination of lady luck and "that old Ehrlich magic." "My lucky stars are shining tonight," he said. "By this time tomorrow, my double mortgage will be paid off in full, and I'll be rolling in the do-re-mi, baby."

Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards belonging to low-income Americans. "I was happy enough to be going to Chicago," said commuter Janice Beasley, "but to see all those rusted-out swingsets and sagging porches was just the perfect bonus." Amtrak boasted that all their lines offer such views.

Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole the closely guarded Grecian Formula, badly compromising Grecian national security and drastically shifting the global balance of dark, youthful-looking hair. "This is a terrible blow to our nation," said Grecian deputy foreign minister Alzun Teoderic, 67, sporting a lustrous, chestnut-brown mane of hair. "Our enemies can now look 10, even 20 years younger." It is believed to be the most serious international cosmetics incident since 1978, when Estée Lauder secretly drained millions of gallons of oil reserves from the Republic of Olay.

I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the fool. I beat them all. I downed Kid Dupree with my famous right hook in the third round. I knocked out Texas Tall four times in my career, even though he had nine inches on me. My secret? I was a beenobing, and I fought like a beenobing.

The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and Touching of Bodily Organs God creat'd for the Enabling of the Propagation of Man, for the sole Purpose of Luxurious Pleasurement and Gratification of the Self.

Zweibel 'N' The Kids

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you watch the kids while I go shopping?" The very idea was the height of absurdity, but Ludmilla noted that it was the nanny's day off, and that I had ordered the rest of the servants to witness the flogging of the chauffeur. Consequently, there was no-one to watch the children. "Why not that damned ro-bot nurse of mine?" I said. But Mr. Tin, who happened to be in the room, said that it was not programmed to attend to tots.

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?

Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as "strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters"—whose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s.
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Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one.... Eddie Albert—sheesh!.... Why doesn't the bank give out free toasters anymore?.... If a sad man wins a million dollars, will it make him happy?.... I always keep two suitcases and a shaving kit packed in case of sudden travelings.... Puppies.... There's two kinds of people in this world: the kind who pull off Band-Aids really slow.... If you're looking for a nice, quiet hobby, I wholeheartedly recommend calligraphy.... The craftsmanship and attention to detail in some of those model-railroad layouts are positively incredible.... The best thing I ever bought was this rubber covering mat for my keyboard.... I don't know about you, but I for one sure wish they'd turn some lights on.... If God in Heaven is ever looking for someone to run his Department of Sassy and Spunky, I would nominate that Rue McClanahan.... Somehow, I got all wet again.... Ricardo Montalban is the one person who really knows what he's talking about.... Martin Balsam may not be a household name, but he should be.... I love children, which is why I decided to get pregnant.... Don't eat Velveeta. It binds you up.... Those Mummenschanz fellas never cease to amaze.... No more X-rays, please.... When you look up George Washington in the dictionary, you will see a picture of George Washington, if you have a very, very good dictionary.... The best thing about the San Diego Zoo is all of the wonderful animals. Kudos to the San Diego Zoo.... Dearfoam slippers—I'll never wear shoes again.... Tom Clancy has done it again, that devil!.... I would like to shake the hand of the person who invented the turtleneck.... On a sunny Saturday, I love to go to a park, unless I'm coughing up blood.... Donuts. Some people don't like 'em, I like 'em.... Judy Garland, long may she wave.... There's nothing more romantic than L-O-V-E.... For me, you can't go wrong with six, maybe seven.... When you look up penguins in the zoo books, there's a picture of penguins.... Jimmy Stewart, Jimmy Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, and now George Clooney.... Someone told me Barbi Benton had a younger sister, but if you ask me, she doesn't need one.... Go ahead, caller. Go ahead, caller. I said go! Ahead! Caller!.... Elton John will be sorely missed.... I'll tell you what. You keep your mints, I'll stick with my gum.... If rock and roll is on the menu, I am at that concert or restaurant.... Has it only been 20 years since President Roosevelt was shot?.... If I have to rent a video, nine times out of ten I rent Strange Brew.... I saw a young girl bicycling yesterday.... Greenish-blue I think.... The smell of hot dogs and beer makes me feel 12 years old.... Juliet
Prowse
, now there was a set of gams. God rest her soul.... Kudos, Mrs. Clinton, you are truly a lady.... Children of all ages love the whimsical adventures of Peter Pan.... The other day I could have sworn I was about to cough up a lung.... Kudos to Joanie Loves Chachi's Erin Moran—bravo!.... I told you not to bother me at home, goddammit.... I never know how to turn one of these damn things off.... Every home should have a framed photo of Gates McFadden.... Dick Van Patten is a prince among men.... Whatever became of common courtesy?.... Who is that Encyclopedia Britannica kid? He's brilliant.... My mother was a statue.

Larry King's syndicated News & Viewscolumn appears every Monday in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me! is seen nightly on CNN.

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