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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one.... Eddie Albert—sheesh!.... Why doesn't the bank give out free toasters anymore?.... If a sad man wins a million dollars, will it make him happy?.... I always keep two suitcases and a shaving kit packed in case of sudden travelings.... Puppies.... There's two kinds of people in this world: the kind who pull off Band-Aids really slow.... If you're looking for a nice, quiet hobby, I wholeheartedly recommend calligraphy.... The craftsmanship and attention to detail in some of those model-railroad layouts are positively incredible.... The best thing I ever bought was this rubber covering mat for my keyboard.... I don't know about you, but I for one sure wish they'd turn some lights on.... If God in Heaven is ever looking for someone to run his Department of Sassy and Spunky, I would nominate that Rue McClanahan.... Somehow, I got all wet again.... Ricardo Montalban is the one person who really knows what he's talking about.... Martin Balsam may not be a household name, but he should be.... I love children, which is why I decided to get pregnant.... Don't eat Velveeta. It binds you up.... Those Mummenschanz fellas never cease to amaze.... No more X-rays, please.... When you look up George Washington in the dictionary, you will see a picture of George Washington, if you have a very, very good dictionary.... The best thing about the San Diego Zoo is all of the wonderful animals. Kudos to the San Diego Zoo.... Dearfoam slippers—I'll never wear shoes again.... Tom Clancy has done it again, that devil!.... I would like to shake the hand of the person who invented the turtleneck.... On a sunny Saturday, I love to go to a park, unless I'm coughing up blood.... Donuts. Some people don't like 'em, I like 'em.... Judy Garland, long may she wave.... There's nothing more romantic than L-O-V-E.... For me, you can't go wrong with six, maybe seven.... When you look up penguins in the zoo books, there's a picture of penguins.... Jimmy Stewart, Jimmy Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, and now George Clooney.... Someone told me Barbi Benton had a younger sister, but if you ask me, she doesn't need one.... Go ahead, caller. Go ahead, caller. I said go! Ahead! Caller!.... Elton John will be sorely missed.... I'll tell you what. You keep your mints, I'll stick with my gum.... If rock and roll is on the menu, I am at that concert or restaurant.... Has it only been 20 years since President Roosevelt was shot?.... If I have to rent a video, nine times out of ten I rent Strange Brew.... I saw a young girl bicycling yesterday.... Greenish-blue I think.... The smell of hot dogs and beer makes me feel 12 years old.... Juliet
Prowse
, now there was a set of gams. God rest her soul.... Kudos, Mrs. Clinton, you are truly a lady.... Children of all ages love the whimsical adventures of Peter Pan.... The other day I could have sworn I was about to cough up a lung.... Kudos to Joanie Loves Chachi's Erin Moran—bravo!.... I told you not to bother me at home, goddammit.... I never know how to turn one of these damn things off.... Every home should have a framed photo of Gates McFadden.... Dick Van Patten is a prince among men.... Whatever became of common courtesy?.... Who is that Encyclopedia Britannica kid? He's brilliant.... My mother was a statue.

Larry King's syndicated News & Viewscolumn appears every Monday in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me! is seen nightly on CNN.

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