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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Civilization Is Collapsing

Many times I have mentioned that I believe to-day's news-paper trade to be an abomination. Back when I was editor-in-chief of The Onion, we printed nothing but cold, hard facts and had the other dailies scooped before the ink on their front pages even dried. Our coverage of the latest wife-beatings and the opium dens bested even that of the vaunted Police Gazette!

But if you peruse a news-paper to-day, you'd think that the notion of good, solid news has been pitched out the window! Try as I may, I cannot get a single up-date on the war against the fiendish Spaniards in Cuba, or whether Nellie Bly completed her around-the-world trip on time! Instead, I see news-print wasted on such ludicrous subjects as whether or not to spank your child, how short the skirt hems will be this spring, and the perils of smoking. Bah!

Lately, I have been perceiving an even worse phenomenon. Evidently, news-paper editors have foolishly consented to allow members of the public to author their own essay-columns! This is asking for trouble in my book. Only eminent publishers such as myself should be permitted to voice their opinions in a printed public forum. Give a common drudge his own column, and he'll use it to foment trouble. In no time, the publisher will find himself out on the side-walk, and the up-start will have the rule of the roost!

Yesterday, with considerable trepidation, I asked my man-servant Standish if any such miserable and covetous personages were being given free expression within the pages of The Onion. Standish replied that, indeed, there were, and he told me that The Onion's current roster of columnists consisted of a vulgar-mouthed automobilist, an obese female who likes pussy-cats, a man who prattles on about performers of the moving-daguerreotypes, and, most outrageous of all, a libidinous gentle-man of sport whose skin is as black as a Moor's.

So shocked I was at Standish's words, I swooned and had to be brought to with smelling-salts. Civilization is surely collapsing, and it is my deep misfortune that I am alive to witness it!

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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