CNN Should Be Named The Crappy News Not-Work

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Vol 37 Issue 27

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?

That Guy From That One Show Spotted With The Girl From The Shampoo Ad

LOS ANGELES–According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one shampoo commercial. "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby. "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm dating the shampoo girl.'" The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that came out a few weeks ago.

Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC–By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing eight provisions or more. "Some of the bills around here run into the billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said. "This is our way of making sure we don't get stiffed." Later that day, Brownback received an $825 million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Holiday

CNN Should Be Named The Crappy News Not-Work

Cable News Network? Yeah, right. Nice try, Ted Turd-Burglar. Your channel should be called the Crappy News Not-work. Because that's what it is–crappy and not even news.

CNN is so retarded. They totally have no editorial vision. And they're always trying to act so cool. Like, "Oooh, Darth Vader is our announcer!" Whoop-de-doo. Did Darth Vader break any new developments in the Chandra Levy case? I didn't think so.

And who does CNN have for a network-defining anchor? Lou Waters? Puh-leez. Dweeb-o-rama. I was a better anchor than him back when I was on The Today Show, which is basically all CNN Today is, 'cause it's so stupid.

Okay, ready? This is how Lou Waters does the news: "Doyyy, I'm King Retard, and this is the Retard News. Today, the president took a dump. I do not know what happened next, because I can't read, so I will pick my nose now. Doyyy... what delicious boogers! Turning now to the international scene, my butt hurts." I swear to God, that's him.

CNN acts like they're the network of record in Millennial America, just because of their award-winning Gulf War coverage. That was so 10 years ago, and people only watched because there was no MSNBC back then.

Oh, and check this out. This past April, I'm at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and CNN White House reporter John King starts bagging on this "Fleecing Of America" report we did. 'Cause we did this report about these pharmaceutical companies that are getting government subsidies and still charging 1,000 percent markups on pills. So he was all like, "As big a problem as I have with the major U.S. pharmaceutical companies, I found your report to be unfairly biased in favor of the consumer." Duh. That was the whole point, Lord Dorkenhumper! If John King is at next year's dinner, there's no way I'm going.

Speaking of John King, CNN also has Larry King, who's so old he's probably John's great-grandfather or something. Man, does Larry suck. (Or, suck up, that is.) I mean, hello? It's supposed to be a news network! Not the Blah-Blah-Blah-About-The-Power-Of-Prayer-With-Pat-Boone-and-Kenneth-Copeland Network! Or the I'm-Kissing-Marlon-Brando-On-The-Lips-Total-Stupid-Gaywad-Channel-For-Gays Network.

And Headline News? More like Deadline Snooze. How can you even call that news? It's just a bunch of headlines. That is so not news.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot. This is totally secret. You did not hear this from me, okay? Maria Shriver told me that Robert Bazell said Lou Dobbs told Roger Cossack that he wants to completely make out with Greta Van Susteren. Can you believe that? Who would want to kiss her? Greta Van Susteren is so totally corroded.

And Jeff Greenfield? Doyyy. What is he, my science teacher? That guy is gimpier than John Hockenberry. And more boring, too. Watching cars rust is more exciting than that Greenfield At Large thing. Man, does that show rot. It's not just Greenfield At Large, though. All of CNN is bad like that. TalkBack Live? More like TalkBack Dead. Hey, Teddy T., before you start another 24-hour news network, maybe you should get some decent content first!

So, in conclusion, I would just like to say that CNN blows white-hot chunks of complete and total suckiness.

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