How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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CNN Should Be Named The Crappy News Not-Work

Cable News Network? Yeah, right. Nice try, Ted Turd-Burglar. Your channel should be called the Crappy News Not-work. Because that's what it is–crappy and not even news.

CNN is so retarded. They totally have no editorial vision. And they're always trying to act so cool. Like, "Oooh, Darth Vader is our announcer!" Whoop-de-doo. Did Darth Vader break any new developments in the Chandra Levy case? I didn't think so.

And who does CNN have for a network-defining anchor? Lou Waters? Puh-leez. Dweeb-o-rama. I was a better anchor than him back when I was on The Today Show, which is basically all CNN Today is, 'cause it's so stupid.

Okay, ready? This is how Lou Waters does the news: "Doyyy, I'm King Retard, and this is the Retard News. Today, the president took a dump. I do not know what happened next, because I can't read, so I will pick my nose now. Doyyy... what delicious boogers! Turning now to the international scene, my butt hurts." I swear to God, that's him.

CNN acts like they're the network of record in Millennial America, just because of their award-winning Gulf War coverage. That was so 10 years ago, and people only watched because there was no MSNBC back then.

Oh, and check this out. This past April, I'm at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and CNN White House reporter John King starts bagging on this "Fleecing Of America" report we did. 'Cause we did this report about these pharmaceutical companies that are getting government subsidies and still charging 1,000 percent markups on pills. So he was all like, "As big a problem as I have with the major U.S. pharmaceutical companies, I found your report to be unfairly biased in favor of the consumer." Duh. That was the whole point, Lord Dorkenhumper! If John King is at next year's dinner, there's no way I'm going.

Speaking of John King, CNN also has Larry King, who's so old he's probably John's great-grandfather or something. Man, does Larry suck. (Or, suck up, that is.) I mean, hello? It's supposed to be a news network! Not the Blah-Blah-Blah-About-The-Power-Of-Prayer-With-Pat-Boone-and-Kenneth-Copeland Network! Or the I'm-Kissing-Marlon-Brando-On-The-Lips-Total-Stupid-Gaywad-Channel-For-Gays Network.

And Headline News? More like Deadline Snooze. How can you even call that news? It's just a bunch of headlines. That is so not news.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot. This is totally secret. You did not hear this from me, okay? Maria Shriver told me that Robert Bazell said Lou Dobbs told Roger Cossack that he wants to completely make out with Greta Van Susteren. Can you believe that? Who would want to kiss her? Greta Van Susteren is so totally corroded.

And Jeff Greenfield? Doyyy. What is he, my science teacher? That guy is gimpier than John Hockenberry. And more boring, too. Watching cars rust is more exciting than that Greenfield At Large thing. Man, does that show rot. It's not just Greenfield At Large, though. All of CNN is bad like that. TalkBack Live? More like TalkBack Dead. Hey, Teddy T., before you start another 24-hour news network, maybe you should get some decent content first!

So, in conclusion, I would just like to say that CNN blows white-hot chunks of complete and total suckiness.

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