Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House

My love, you are shivering! And so pale. Here, wear my cloak over your own. We have walked for many miles, and I had hoped the skies would have grown merciful by now. But we must persevere. Remember, even in the darkest night there is always a light somewhere ahead, and—but what's this? Do you see it? That yellow glow. Has the sun itself plumbed the darkest clouds and settled upon the earth next to that gas station over there?

Take heart, my love, for sanctuary is at hand. It can only be a Waffle House!

Do you know it? Yes, it is rather like a Denny's, but humbler still. It is a Southern thing, truly, perhaps best likened to the IHOPs of your girlhood in Fresno. But the Waffle House has a spirit of its very own. Let us make haste! Salvation is near, and it is slathered in syrup!

Please do not fret about your appearance. In my adventures, I have visited many Waffle Houses well after midnight, and though this rascal storm has drenched and muddied our clothes such that peasants would not exchange their rags for ours, we will be welcomed at yon Waffle House. No one, from the weary truck driver to the drunkard to the consumptive, is turned away, and on my last visit, my waitress informed me that, a fortnight earlier, Merle Haggard himself had occupied the very booth in which I was then seated.

Who is Merle Haggard? Never you mind, my dear. Never you mind.

But we must keep going. You have my word; it is not far. Let the heavens lash us while we repel the elements with thoughts of sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches. You will not have to wait until morning, as breakfast is served at all hours. And while it is true that lunch and dinner fare such as patty melts and chopped steak is available, it is breakfast that Waffle House embraces above all else.

Now tell me: scattered, smothered, or covered? You look at me as if I speak some savage dialect, woman, when I merely refer to options for the preparation of the hash browns from which we will soon take sustenance. You will see once we arrive, my love, you will see. Tremble no longer, and think only of cheese 'n' eggs with raisin toast and apple butter. Or let us speak of grits. Or perhaps an omelet or—no, not pancakes. Waffle House does not serve pancakes.

Yes, my sweet, this house's devotion to the waffle is so complete that it excludes from its menu any other kind of griddled cake.

O, this cruel wind! Even if we are spared, I fear the Waffle House itself will be flung from its moorings. But I can see inside now. Observe that bloated man: He stands before a jukebox that features songs composed especially for the Waffle House. Do you know "Waffle Doo Wop"? I supposed not. It is every bit as gay as it would seem to be, and I shall play it, and it will forever betoken what you and I have endured on this night.

The parking lot at last! I could fall upon my knees and kiss its every stripe. But come. We must enter now and take this booth here by the window. Let the tempest outside look upon us, helpless to afflict us any longer. Let us now drink coffee without limit and fill our shrunken stomachs with pecan waffles and country ham. My love, let us rejoice!

The waitress should be along eventually.