adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House

My love, you are shivering! And so pale. Here, wear my cloak over your own. We have walked for many miles, and I had hoped the skies would have grown merciful by now. But we must persevere. Remember, even in the darkest night there is always a light somewhere ahead, and—but what's this? Do you see it? That yellow glow. Has the sun itself plumbed the darkest clouds and settled upon the earth next to that gas station over there?

Take heart, my love, for sanctuary is at hand. It can only be a Waffle House!

Do you know it? Yes, it is rather like a Denny's, but humbler still. It is a Southern thing, truly, perhaps best likened to the IHOPs of your girlhood in Fresno. But the Waffle House has a spirit of its very own. Let us make haste! Salvation is near, and it is slathered in syrup!

Please do not fret about your appearance. In my adventures, I have visited many Waffle Houses well after midnight, and though this rascal storm has drenched and muddied our clothes such that peasants would not exchange their rags for ours, we will be welcomed at yon Waffle House. No one, from the weary truck driver to the drunkard to the consumptive, is turned away, and on my last visit, my waitress informed me that, a fortnight earlier, Merle Haggard himself had occupied the very booth in which I was then seated.

Who is Merle Haggard? Never you mind, my dear. Never you mind.

But we must keep going. You have my word; it is not far. Let the heavens lash us while we repel the elements with thoughts of sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches. You will not have to wait until morning, as breakfast is served at all hours. And while it is true that lunch and dinner fare such as patty melts and chopped steak is available, it is breakfast that Waffle House embraces above all else.

Now tell me: scattered, smothered, or covered? You look at me as if I speak some savage dialect, woman, when I merely refer to options for the preparation of the hash browns from which we will soon take sustenance. You will see once we arrive, my love, you will see. Tremble no longer, and think only of cheese 'n' eggs with raisin toast and apple butter. Or let us speak of grits. Or perhaps an omelet or—no, not pancakes. Waffle House does not serve pancakes.

Yes, my sweet, this house's devotion to the waffle is so complete that it excludes from its menu any other kind of griddled cake.

O, this cruel wind! Even if we are spared, I fear the Waffle House itself will be flung from its moorings. But I can see inside now. Observe that bloated man: He stands before a jukebox that features songs composed especially for the Waffle House. Do you know "Waffle Doo Wop"? I supposed not. It is every bit as gay as it would seem to be, and I shall play it, and it will forever betoken what you and I have endured on this night.

The parking lot at last! I could fall upon my knees and kiss its every stripe. But come. We must enter now and take this booth here by the window. Let the tempest outside look upon us, helpless to afflict us any longer. Let us now drink coffee without limit and fill our shrunken stomachs with pecan waffles and country ham. My love, let us rejoice!

The waitress should be along eventually.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close