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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

Hey, you! You in the window with the coffee and the flannel sweater! I see you in there, all cozy in your big warm house. It’s been pretty cold out here lately, what with fall turning into winter and everything, so how’s about maybe opening the front door a crack, just this once, and letting me in? C’mon, man. Help a raccoon out?

Consider it a one-time favor between friends. I’ll never ask again, honest.

Okay, I don’t see a door opening. What gives? Seriously, not even for a second? Come on, I won’t make a big mess. Look at my face! It’s like I’ve got a little bandit mask on. How adorable is that? And I’m sitting here on my hind legs asking politely. What kind of raccoon does that? One you’d want to let inside your house, that’s who.

Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll just come on in, run around a little bit, rustle through your garbage. No biggie. Maybe I’ll check out your cabinets. You guys don’t have any food in there, do you? Not that I’m obsessed with food or anything, so no worries either way.

See how my paws look like tiny little hands? I’m absolutely precious. Just let me in.

You may not know it from the look of me, but I’m actually a very clean raccoon. I’m definitely the kind you’d want in your home. Just ask my friends. Incidentally, they’ll be stopping by later if that’s cool. They can crash in the pantry or wherever. Seriously, they won’t mind. We’ll figure something out that works for everyone.

Just imagine waking up in the morning with a couple of sweet, fuzzy raccoons in your kitchen. One might bear the stench of a recent fight with a skunk, but no big deal. We stare at you, you stare at us. We make some of those cool chattering sounds. It’ll be a beautiful moment, and you’ll feel truly close to nature.

Listen, I know why you’re still keeping the door closed, okay? I get it. It’s light out, and you’ve been told that when you see a raccoon in the daytime, it usually has rabies. Let me assure you that’s nothing more than a crude stereotype. Sure, I have a touch of rabies, but who doesn’t? I’m not foaming at the mouth or anything weird like that. And admit it, if I bit you it might even be kinda cute—my teeny mouth teething playfully at your wrist.

Not that I’d ever bite you. Okay, maybe I’d bite you. Would it be a total deal-breaker if I bit you? You know what, forget I ever mentioned the whole rabies, biting thing.

Wait a second, are you eyeing that possum over there? Are you serious? I’m sitting here like a chump pouring my heart out, and you’re thinking about opening the door for a fucking possum? If you give that guy the green light, I guarantee he flies in like a goddamn savage and shits all over your living room.

Not that I wouldn’t, too, if given the chance, but that’s obviously different. I’m furry and cuddly, but have you actually seen a possum up close? They’re hideous, rat-faced things. The choice is yours, obviously, but I don’t think you want to wake up tomorrow with a possum hissing in your face.

Let me make this simple: Open the door, I’ll come in, I’ll make a bunch of cute pitter-patter sounds, I’ll root around for a while—and then I’m out. Let’s just get this over with.

Nothing doing, huh?

Fine, fuck it, we’ll do it my way. I’m crawling down your chimney.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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