Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

Hey, you! You in the window with the coffee and the flannel sweater! I see you in there, all cozy in your big warm house. It’s been pretty cold out here lately, what with fall turning into winter and everything, so how’s about maybe opening the front door a crack, just this once, and letting me in? C’mon, man. Help a raccoon out?

Consider it a one-time favor between friends. I’ll never ask again, honest.

Okay, I don’t see a door opening. What gives? Seriously, not even for a second? Come on, I won’t make a big mess. Look at my face! It’s like I’ve got a little bandit mask on. How adorable is that? And I’m sitting here on my hind legs asking politely. What kind of raccoon does that? One you’d want to let inside your house, that’s who.

Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll just come on in, run around a little bit, rustle through your garbage. No biggie. Maybe I’ll check out your cabinets. You guys don’t have any food in there, do you? Not that I’m obsessed with food or anything, so no worries either way.

See how my paws look like tiny little hands? I’m absolutely precious. Just let me in.

You may not know it from the look of me, but I’m actually a very clean raccoon. I’m definitely the kind you’d want in your home. Just ask my friends. Incidentally, they’ll be stopping by later if that’s cool. They can crash in the pantry or wherever. Seriously, they won’t mind. We’ll figure something out that works for everyone.

Just imagine waking up in the morning with a couple of sweet, fuzzy raccoons in your kitchen. One might bear the stench of a recent fight with a skunk, but no big deal. We stare at you, you stare at us. We make some of those cool chattering sounds. It’ll be a beautiful moment, and you’ll feel truly close to nature.

Listen, I know why you’re still keeping the door closed, okay? I get it. It’s light out, and you’ve been told that when you see a raccoon in the daytime, it usually has rabies. Let me assure you that’s nothing more than a crude stereotype. Sure, I have a touch of rabies, but who doesn’t? I’m not foaming at the mouth or anything weird like that. And admit it, if I bit you it might even be kinda cute—my teeny mouth teething playfully at your wrist.

Not that I’d ever bite you. Okay, maybe I’d bite you. Would it be a total deal-breaker if I bit you? You know what, forget I ever mentioned the whole rabies, biting thing.

Wait a second, are you eyeing that possum over there? Are you serious? I’m sitting here like a chump pouring my heart out, and you’re thinking about opening the door for a fucking possum? If you give that guy the green light, I guarantee he flies in like a goddamn savage and shits all over your living room.

Not that I wouldn’t, too, if given the chance, but that’s obviously different. I’m furry and cuddly, but have you actually seen a possum up close? They’re hideous, rat-faced things. The choice is yours, obviously, but I don’t think you want to wake up tomorrow with a possum hissing in your face.

Let me make this simple: Open the door, I’ll come in, I’ll make a bunch of cute pitter-patter sounds, I’ll root around for a while—and then I’m out. Let’s just get this over with.

Nothing doing, huh?

Fine, fuck it, we’ll do it my way. I’m crawling down your chimney.