adBlockCheck

Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole

Talk about not having a sense of humor. These days you can't even sit down, rudely interrupt someone's conversation, insult them directly to their face, and then act like a complete and utter asshole without people getting super offended by it. It's like, Christ—lighten up, will you? All I did was show up and ruin everybody's evening.

Come on, people, relax.

I just don't get it. Why is everyone so sensitive about every little thing I do to spoil their good time? Can't they see that I'm just behaving in a manner that's completely inappropriate and totally uncalled for? It's called "me being unbelievably shitty for no discernable reason." Ever heard of it?

Oh sure, I'm the jerk. I'm the jerk for being a giant prick. I'm the jerk for insinuating— completely out of the blue—that my friend Frank will likely spend the rest of his life failing at most everything he tries. Christ almighty. What do I have to do here? Check with you people every time I might say, oh—I don't know—something completely demeaning and outright hurtful?

Doesn't anyone know how to have fun anymore?

Take this coworker of mine, Diane. Man, is she ever a drama queen. Yesterday, I had barely finished reducing her to a vapid, clothes-obsessed gremlin when she started freaking out on me. It's like, "Take a chill pill, Diane." I guess some people just love getting bent all out of shape over every remark I make about their idiot children.

And then there's my brother, Robert, who made a fool of himself at his own wedding when he refused to laugh at my constant prodding of his deepest personal flaws. Way to bring the mood down, pal. To be honest, I'm still a little hurt you didn't return my high five after I brought up your embarrassing streak of infidelities, right in front of your new bride.

Honestly, Robert. If you're reading this, a simple "I'm sorry" would suffice.

In the end, I just I don't understand why I should have to feel bad about systematically derailing a perfectly fun evening out with friends. If I can't have way too much to drink, get angry over the lack of attention I'm receiving, and then, spurred on by my own insecurities, act like a pompous fuck, what's the point of having friends at all?

For instance, take this past Sunday. If I knew people were going to get pissed at me for being an utter asshole, I would have just stayed home—which is what I was doing until I heard that everyone was going out and decided, out of spite, to tag along.

So come on. Enough with all the dramatics. All I'm doing is being a terrible, petty, hurtful human being. Laugh it off, will you?

You know what? Maybe you people are right. I'm the bad guy here. Me, Jeffrey Studges, the only person who totally deserved to be thrown out of that wake, is the bad guy. You got me. Now, to whom should I apologize first? Mike, I'm so sorry I punched you right in the face. Margaret, please forgive me. I never should have suggested that your father, in fact, deserved it. And Brian, my dear Brian, I'll certainly pay for all the damages to your precious, precious car.

There. You humorless jerks happy now?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close