adBlockCheck

Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

Item! It's a week later, and everybody's still buzzing about the star-packed Emmys. "According To" Jim Belushi was there, as was TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony? But the real star of the evening was the host himself, Mr. Conan O'Brian, who "conanquered" any doubts about whether he has what it takes to shine in prime time. "Conangratulations," Conan!

I saw Austin Powers 3: Guildmember, and it delivered thrills, surprises, and plenty of great jokes involving pee-pee, doo-doo, and a certain male body part that begins with "p" and ends with "s" (and it's not the pancreas)! It was rich! At one point, the titular villain rollerskates, just like I did when I was living through the '70s, only I was not as successful with the ladies. I don't know how funnyman Michael Meyers is going to top this, but I'll be first in line for Austin Powers 4: Dr. Weiner And The Two Nuts.

Item! Martha Stewart is still in hot water and, once again, I need to weigh in on this matter. I know we have to take a hard look at corporate crime, what with companies like Enron, Tyco, and Disney cooking the books. But don't we have enough big fish to worry about without picking on a lady who's done so much to make America a prettier, better-smelling place to live? Let's not make an example of her just because she's a celebrity. Lay off already!

You never think to buy an eraser when you're in the store, but it's one of those things you never have around when you actually need it. Know what I mean?

Item! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is the big fat Greek hit of the summer! Who knew America was so hungry for a funny, lighthearted look at the second biggest step a person can take in their lives? Either that, or there are more big fat Greeks out there than I thought.

Speaking of being hungry for Greek, get me to the nearest falafel stand—I'm famished!

Item! The Sopranos is back after a long time away, and I for one couldn't be happier. Like millions of Americans, I can't wait to find out what's been happening to Tony, Uncle Kracker, and Fat Pussy over the last year and a half. I have a lot of catching up to do since I had to get rid of my cable a while ago and missed all of last season. Good thing they're all out on video, but The Sopranos is about eighth on my must-see list, after the Sex In The City videos, In Like Flint, and the Tears For Fears video collection.

To all those child abductors and killers out there, I've got just one thing to say: Enough!

I've been thinking about getting a new computer lately, and I'm really torn. There are those Apple commercials that say I should switch to Mac, and they make some pretty good points, but that Dell guy makes a convincing argument, too. I guess I'll wait until the prices come down again, because, to be honest, Jackie Harvey is rich with hot Tinseltown gossip, but not so rich with money. Hint, hint.

Item! A little bird told me that Matt Affleck is dating Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez, and I couldn't be more excited. I loved Matt in The Sum Of All The Pretty Horse Whisperers, and I've worn out the grooves on J. Lo's latest hit CD. Could wedding bells be in their future? Check here for more on that later!

Item! Llance Bass from In Sync is no Major Tom. The Russians booted the brave "Buy Buy Buy" band boy because his sponsors couldn't come up with the required money. With all the celebrity charity events going on, you'd think it wouldn't be hard to raise $20 million to help a pop star get into space. It's sad to think of all the beautiful songs about the heavens that we'll never hear because Llance will have no inspiration to write them. Oh, well, our loss. Maybe we'll get some money together by the time Aaron Carter is old enough to don a spaceman suit. (I can dream, can't I?)

Call me Jackie LaLanne, but I just can't get enough of those power bars! Talk about a perfect on-the-go snack for on-the-go people.

Just when we thought we'd heard the last of rapper Two-Pack Shaker, we get another layer to this rich story. Some journalists in California did some digging and found that archrival Notary B.I.G. may have had a part in Two-Pack's 1996 Las Vegas murder. I don't want to give an opinion just yet. Journalists shouldn't have the right to declare someone's guilt or innocence until all the facts are in. Just look at how the press handled the O.J. Simpson case! So I, for one, will wait for the American justice system to decide.

Well, that's it for this edition of The Outside Scoop. I have to go out and turn over some rocks, because that's where the best dirt can be found, and that's what you loyal Harveyheads demand of me. So, until next time, keep on dreaming those Hollywood dreams, and keep it on the Outside!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close