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Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

Item! It's a week later, and everybody's still buzzing about the star-packed Emmys. "According To" Jim Belushi was there, as was TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony? But the real star of the evening was the host himself, Mr. Conan O'Brian, who "conanquered" any doubts about whether he has what it takes to shine in prime time. "Conangratulations," Conan!

I saw Austin Powers 3: Guildmember, and it delivered thrills, surprises, and plenty of great jokes involving pee-pee, doo-doo, and a certain male body part that begins with "p" and ends with "s" (and it's not the pancreas)! It was rich! At one point, the titular villain rollerskates, just like I did when I was living through the '70s, only I was not as successful with the ladies. I don't know how funnyman Michael Meyers is going to top this, but I'll be first in line for Austin Powers 4: Dr. Weiner And The Two Nuts.

Item! Martha Stewart is still in hot water and, once again, I need to weigh in on this matter. I know we have to take a hard look at corporate crime, what with companies like Enron, Tyco, and Disney cooking the books. But don't we have enough big fish to worry about without picking on a lady who's done so much to make America a prettier, better-smelling place to live? Let's not make an example of her just because she's a celebrity. Lay off already!

You never think to buy an eraser when you're in the store, but it's one of those things you never have around when you actually need it. Know what I mean?

Item! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is the big fat Greek hit of the summer! Who knew America was so hungry for a funny, lighthearted look at the second biggest step a person can take in their lives? Either that, or there are more big fat Greeks out there than I thought.

Speaking of being hungry for Greek, get me to the nearest falafel stand—I'm famished!

Item! The Sopranos is back after a long time away, and I for one couldn't be happier. Like millions of Americans, I can't wait to find out what's been happening to Tony, Uncle Kracker, and Fat Pussy over the last year and a half. I have a lot of catching up to do since I had to get rid of my cable a while ago and missed all of last season. Good thing they're all out on video, but The Sopranos is about eighth on my must-see list, after the Sex In The City videos, In Like Flint, and the Tears For Fears video collection.

To all those child abductors and killers out there, I've got just one thing to say: Enough!

I've been thinking about getting a new computer lately, and I'm really torn. There are those Apple commercials that say I should switch to Mac, and they make some pretty good points, but that Dell guy makes a convincing argument, too. I guess I'll wait until the prices come down again, because, to be honest, Jackie Harvey is rich with hot Tinseltown gossip, but not so rich with money. Hint, hint.

Item! A little bird told me that Matt Affleck is dating Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez, and I couldn't be more excited. I loved Matt in The Sum Of All The Pretty Horse Whisperers, and I've worn out the grooves on J. Lo's latest hit CD. Could wedding bells be in their future? Check here for more on that later!

Item! Llance Bass from In Sync is no Major Tom. The Russians booted the brave "Buy Buy Buy" band boy because his sponsors couldn't come up with the required money. With all the celebrity charity events going on, you'd think it wouldn't be hard to raise $20 million to help a pop star get into space. It's sad to think of all the beautiful songs about the heavens that we'll never hear because Llance will have no inspiration to write them. Oh, well, our loss. Maybe we'll get some money together by the time Aaron Carter is old enough to don a spaceman suit. (I can dream, can't I?)

Call me Jackie LaLanne, but I just can't get enough of those power bars! Talk about a perfect on-the-go snack for on-the-go people.

Just when we thought we'd heard the last of rapper Two-Pack Shaker, we get another layer to this rich story. Some journalists in California did some digging and found that archrival Notary B.I.G. may have had a part in Two-Pack's 1996 Las Vegas murder. I don't want to give an opinion just yet. Journalists shouldn't have the right to declare someone's guilt or innocence until all the facts are in. Just look at how the press handled the O.J. Simpson case! So I, for one, will wait for the American justice system to decide.

Well, that's it for this edition of The Outside Scoop. I have to go out and turn over some rocks, because that's where the best dirt can be found, and that's what you loyal Harveyheads demand of me. So, until next time, keep on dreaming those Hollywood dreams, and keep it on the Outside!

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