Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

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Vol 38 Issue 36

Cage Match Settles Nothing

PONTIAC, MI—The long-awaited steel-cage match between World Championship Wrestling rivals Violator and Psycho Sid, widely expected to settle a bitter dispute between the two, settled nothing Monday. "After all the accusations and insults exchanged between these men, I really had high hopes that this cage match would, at long last, provide some resolution and maybe even a sense of closure," WCW fan Jordan Bumpers said. "Yet, strangely, I feel like they're no closer to understanding each other's point of view than before they entered the cage." Psycho Sid, who lost the match by disqualification, continues to insist that he is the superior wrestler, a claim with which Violator vehemently disagreed.

Purchase Justified By Theoretical $50 Rebate

LAKESIDE, VA—The theoretical possibility of receiving a $50 mail-in rebate motivated shopper Jim Crewes, 28, to purchase a color printer Monday. "I really can't afford to be buying a computer right now," Crewes said. "But if I buy the printer and two toner refills, and save the receipt and UPC symbols from all the boxes and buy two more Pitney Bowes products and save those receipts and symbols, and then send it all in with the original rebate coupon, and the offer's still good by then, I'm looking at 50 smackers." Crewes was also swayed by the printer's extended-warranty option, which provides free service and repairs if the printer broke and he actually shipped it back to its manufacturer, which he never would.

Tokyo Squeezes In Five More Residents

TOKYO—Tokyo somehow managed to squeeze in five more residents Monday, when the Takashi family moved into a converted studio apartment. "This was a one-bedroom apartment housing a family of six, but a wall was cleverly constructed to create a small studio," city planning minister Hideki Kumagai said. "This was good: We rarely can fit new citizenry into our city without drilling into the bedrock." The Takashi family, brought in from Osaka's overflow, will pay the equivalent of $12,600 monthly for 144 square feet of living space.

Band Loudly Discusses Record Deal At IHOP

AKRON, OH—The five members of Ratchet Chunk, close to finalizing a deal with Columbus-based Ripchord Records, loudly discussed the deal at the Polk Road IHOP Monday. "We've got to insist on 60 percent of the gross," said bassist Gavin Lee, speaking loudly enough for the high-school girls three booths over to hear. "If they try to go 50-50, I say we take our demo to Dimebag [Records]." Lead singer Kris Maldonado added that he should receive co-producer credit for the album, as the demo was burned on his iMac.

Large Dependent Film Tops Weekend Box Office

HOLLYWOOD—In what is being hailed as a triumph for dependent cinema, Sony Pictures' A Perfect Alibi, a $90 million Mel Gibson-Cameron Diaz thriller, topped the weekend box office with an impressive $39 million take. "This just shows what can be accomplished when you've got a major studio's backing and distribution," executive producer Don Murray said Monday. "Contrary to what some in the movie business would have you believe, there is a place for big, non-character-driven pictures." Murray said he hopes the film's success serves as an inspiration to established, bankable actors and directors.

The NYC Smoking Ban

New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think?

Stephen King Calls It Quits

Author Stephen King recently announced he will quit writing after publishing five more books. How does the King Of Horror plan to spend his retirement?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...


Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!

Item! It's a week later, and everybody's still buzzing about the star-packed Emmys. "According To" Jim Belushi was there, as was TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony? But the real star of the evening was the host himself, Mr. Conan O'Brian, who "conanquered" any doubts about whether he has what it takes to shine in prime time. "Conangratulations," Conan!

I saw Austin Powers 3: Guildmember, and it delivered thrills, surprises, and plenty of great jokes involving pee-pee, doo-doo, and a certain male body part that begins with "p" and ends with "s" (and it's not the pancreas)! It was rich! At one point, the titular villain rollerskates, just like I did when I was living through the '70s, only I was not as successful with the ladies. I don't know how funnyman Michael Meyers is going to top this, but I'll be first in line for Austin Powers 4: Dr. Weiner And The Two Nuts.

Item! Martha Stewart is still in hot water and, once again, I need to weigh in on this matter. I know we have to take a hard look at corporate crime, what with companies like Enron, Tyco, and Disney cooking the books. But don't we have enough big fish to worry about without picking on a lady who's done so much to make America a prettier, better-smelling place to live? Let's not make an example of her just because she's a celebrity. Lay off already!

You never think to buy an eraser when you're in the store, but it's one of those things you never have around when you actually need it. Know what I mean?

Item! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is the big fat Greek hit of the summer! Who knew America was so hungry for a funny, lighthearted look at the second biggest step a person can take in their lives? Either that, or there are more big fat Greeks out there than I thought.

Speaking of being hungry for Greek, get me to the nearest falafel stand—I'm famished!

Item! The Sopranos is back after a long time away, and I for one couldn't be happier. Like millions of Americans, I can't wait to find out what's been happening to Tony, Uncle Kracker, and Fat Pussy over the last year and a half. I have a lot of catching up to do since I had to get rid of my cable a while ago and missed all of last season. Good thing they're all out on video, but The Sopranos is about eighth on my must-see list, after the Sex In The City videos, In Like Flint, and the Tears For Fears video collection.

To all those child abductors and killers out there, I've got just one thing to say: Enough!

I've been thinking about getting a new computer lately, and I'm really torn. There are those Apple commercials that say I should switch to Mac, and they make some pretty good points, but that Dell guy makes a convincing argument, too. I guess I'll wait until the prices come down again, because, to be honest, Jackie Harvey is rich with hot Tinseltown gossip, but not so rich with money. Hint, hint.

Item! A little bird told me that Matt Affleck is dating Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez, and I couldn't be more excited. I loved Matt in The Sum Of All The Pretty Horse Whisperers, and I've worn out the grooves on J. Lo's latest hit CD. Could wedding bells be in their future? Check here for more on that later!

Item! Llance Bass from In Sync is no Major Tom. The Russians booted the brave "Buy Buy Buy" band boy because his sponsors couldn't come up with the required money. With all the celebrity charity events going on, you'd think it wouldn't be hard to raise $20 million to help a pop star get into space. It's sad to think of all the beautiful songs about the heavens that we'll never hear because Llance will have no inspiration to write them. Oh, well, our loss. Maybe we'll get some money together by the time Aaron Carter is old enough to don a spaceman suit. (I can dream, can't I?)

Call me Jackie LaLanne, but I just can't get enough of those power bars! Talk about a perfect on-the-go snack for on-the-go people.

Just when we thought we'd heard the last of rapper Two-Pack Shaker, we get another layer to this rich story. Some journalists in California did some digging and found that archrival Notary B.I.G. may have had a part in Two-Pack's 1996 Las Vegas murder. I don't want to give an opinion just yet. Journalists shouldn't have the right to declare someone's guilt or innocence until all the facts are in. Just look at how the press handled the O.J. Simpson case! So I, for one, will wait for the American justice system to decide.

Well, that's it for this edition of The Outside Scoop. I have to go out and turn over some rocks, because that's where the best dirt can be found, and that's what you loyal Harveyheads demand of me. So, until next time, keep on dreaming those Hollywood dreams, and keep it on the Outside!

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