Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

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Vol 32 Issue 04

'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across Liechtenstein," a special fund-raising event that raised more than $30 for Liechtenstein charities. Nearly 150 citizens joined hands in a line that stretched from one end of the country to the other, forming a human chain one-and-a-half football fields long. "This is a great achievement and an inspiring tribute to the great spirit of our people," Liechtenstein's Prince Hans Adam II said. "I can barely see the end of the line from where I stand." The $30 raised will go t

Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great." "You guys have been great," Campanelli told them at the conclusion of his 20-minute performance."Thanks a lot and good night." Audiences previously called great by Campanelli include the Friday 8:30 p.m. show and the Friday 11 p.m.

Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as Get A Grip and Pump, has collected three million signatures on a petition imploring the veteran rock quintet to return to drug addiction. "We, the united fans of Aerosmith," the petition read in part, "plead with you to resume the type of liberal use of heroin and cocaine that fueled kick-ass albums like 1976's Rocks and classic tunes like 'Back In The Saddle.' We would additionally like to see a marked increase in alcohol abuse, particularly from one-time 'Toxic Twin' Joe Perry, who, regrettably, has not had a monster riff since 1980."

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?

WNBA Fever

The Women's National Basketball Association has been a big success, with fan interest and attendance high and attendance high throughout the league. Why are people flocking to the games?
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Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

But I recently saw a motion picture entertainment in which the police officers were not the men of honor who I have been lucky enough to pay for with my tax dollars. No, these men were scoundrels who would try to drown the nephew of their ex-wives in an above-ground swimming pool like the kind you would often see back in the days when pool parties and novelty napkins were in fashion. And then the man pulled a gun out of his underpants and started shooting into the air. Bang! Bang! Bang! went his gun. And then he ran away and lived in a tower so that the other bad police officers could not find him and pull him over and arrest him because they would probably just shoot him because that is what they tried to do in the first place.

The movie Coptown starred a number of actors who I am told are popular among the audiences today. First, the movie starred Stan Sylvester as a sheriff with a drinking problem. The problem was that every time he drank, he would get in his car and almost hit a deer, he would be so snookered! But Mr. Sylvester starred in another movie called The Rock about a fellow who boxed and boxed until someone punched his head clean off like a melon. At least, that is how I think it ended.

Back in the Service, there was a young scrapper named Jersey Jenkins who used to engage in fisticuffs with a Chinaman who we captured up near the 15th parameter. And I won a lot of money betting on Jersey Jenkins before he was killed while trying to fix a boiler. I do not know what happened to the Chinaman, but I imagine he went on to his Great Reward.

Another actor in Cop City was the great actress Annabelle Scorpie. She had a smile that would turn a sailor into a filthy bison, she did. I enjoyed looking at that actress, especially when she showed her smile. It seems she has been remembering to brush her teeth, which is important for the acting. I predict that she will win an Oscar one day, but I do not know when the Oscars are so who is to say? Perhaps she will win another award instead, like the awards they give to the firemen if they could squirt the bucket on the telephone wires with a powerful hose.

Then, in the movie, the best scene was a scene where the man went to set things right, but they shot off a mighty gun only inches from his ear and he went deaf and he had to go get them even though he had ringing in his ears.

I spent some years working next to a metal punch, and it made me get ringing in my ears that lasted throughout the Eisenhower era. I would often cry to my wife, "Toots! Stop this ringing in my ears because it is driving me crazy, and I am going to eat poison!" But she couldn't do anything about it. It is the sound of pain.

Copburg is the best movie I have ever seen, except for Beetlejuice. It has another actor in it of some note, Mr. Bobby Dinero, who you may remember from parts one and three of the Godfather movies. Mr. Dinero wore a wig and a fine suit, because he worked for the police finding out which police were pulling their weight and which police needed a good kick in the pants. I do not know if he was the man to give them a kick in the pants, but he certainly looked like he could! I was shaking in my boots looking at him, because I thought he looked like the Reaper. But I am still here, so he must not be.

The best part in this movie was when the men drove across a bridge in their cars, and it was just like driving across a real bridge in a real car. And I know, because I was there when they opened the bridge across the Gulf of Portland in the late '50s. But back then, you could drive across it without having to pay the lady in the booth who had false eyelashes. These modern times!

I would recommend you see the Cop movie if you like movies about cops, or even if you just like movies about the Big City and the people who live there. But I would not recommend this movie be seen by children, because it was filled with foul language and saucy dames.

In conclusion, let me just say that this was a good movie, but it was not that good of a movie, now that I think about it. I have changed my mind. Cop Place is not a very good movie. Do not waste your money on it. We need to send Hollywood a lesson. Maybe then they will listen to us, who pay for the tickets!

Until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen. But do not put salt on the popcorn because my blood pressure will put me in the grave. (My wife, Toots, made me write that.)

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission from The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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