Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

But I recently saw a motion picture entertainment in which the police officers were not the men of honor who I have been lucky enough to pay for with my tax dollars. No, these men were scoundrels who would try to drown the nephew of their ex-wives in an above-ground swimming pool like the kind you would often see back in the days when pool parties and novelty napkins were in fashion. And then the man pulled a gun out of his underpants and started shooting into the air. Bang! Bang! Bang! went his gun. And then he ran away and lived in a tower so that the other bad police officers could not find him and pull him over and arrest him because they would probably just shoot him because that is what they tried to do in the first place.

The movie Coptown starred a number of actors who I am told are popular among the audiences today. First, the movie starred Stan Sylvester as a sheriff with a drinking problem. The problem was that every time he drank, he would get in his car and almost hit a deer, he would be so snookered! But Mr. Sylvester starred in another movie called The Rock about a fellow who boxed and boxed until someone punched his head clean off like a melon. At least, that is how I think it ended.

Back in the Service, there was a young scrapper named Jersey Jenkins who used to engage in fisticuffs with a Chinaman who we captured up near the 15th parameter. And I won a lot of money betting on Jersey Jenkins before he was killed while trying to fix a boiler. I do not know what happened to the Chinaman, but I imagine he went on to his Great Reward.

Another actor in Cop City was the great actress Annabelle Scorpie. She had a smile that would turn a sailor into a filthy bison, she did. I enjoyed looking at that actress, especially when she showed her smile. It seems she has been remembering to brush her teeth, which is important for the acting. I predict that she will win an Oscar one day, but I do not know when the Oscars are so who is to say? Perhaps she will win another award instead, like the awards they give to the firemen if they could squirt the bucket on the telephone wires with a powerful hose.

Then, in the movie, the best scene was a scene where the man went to set things right, but they shot off a mighty gun only inches from his ear and he went deaf and he had to go get them even though he had ringing in his ears.

I spent some years working next to a metal punch, and it made me get ringing in my ears that lasted throughout the Eisenhower era. I would often cry to my wife, "Toots! Stop this ringing in my ears because it is driving me crazy, and I am going to eat poison!" But she couldn't do anything about it. It is the sound of pain.

Copburg is the best movie I have ever seen, except for Beetlejuice. It has another actor in it of some note, Mr. Bobby Dinero, who you may remember from parts one and three of the Godfather movies. Mr. Dinero wore a wig and a fine suit, because he worked for the police finding out which police were pulling their weight and which police needed a good kick in the pants. I do not know if he was the man to give them a kick in the pants, but he certainly looked like he could! I was shaking in my boots looking at him, because I thought he looked like the Reaper. But I am still here, so he must not be.

The best part in this movie was when the men drove across a bridge in their cars, and it was just like driving across a real bridge in a real car. And I know, because I was there when they opened the bridge across the Gulf of Portland in the late '50s. But back then, you could drive across it without having to pay the lady in the booth who had false eyelashes. These modern times!

I would recommend you see the Cop movie if you like movies about cops, or even if you just like movies about the Big City and the people who live there. But I would not recommend this movie be seen by children, because it was filled with foul language and saucy dames.

In conclusion, let me just say that this was a good movie, but it was not that good of a movie, now that I think about it. I have changed my mind. Cop Place is not a very good movie. Do not waste your money on it. We need to send Hollywood a lesson. Maybe then they will listen to us, who pay for the tickets!

Until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen. But do not put salt on the popcorn because my blood pressure will put me in the grave. (My wife, Toots, made me write that.)

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted with permission from The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.